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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DD wants me to divorce DH

421 replies

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 18:18

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

OP posts:
EmeraldDreams73 · 01/02/2026 20:14

He sounds appalling. This is not about shoes. Please get away. You're in a great position to be able to do so.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2026 20:17

Hellohelga · 01/02/2026 20:09

Maybe adult DD should move out. Then she can put her shoes where she wants.

This isn't about the shoes

allthingsinmoderation · 01/02/2026 20:17

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:13

So, the towels thing I just ignore. The pans, I let him get on with it , as if he wants to hand wash them then do it, but I won't. This if course means he moans that I haven't done it. The pans go in the dishwasher when he isn't here. He tends to do this thing where he walks about muttering to himself about it.

Show quote history

i think ignoring is perhaps not helping.
If you said i dont agree the towels need to be washed separately and i dont agree the pans need to be washed separately. You do as your prefer and i will do as i prefer.
Why are you reluctant to voice your opinion?
Are you fearful of him?

Alittlefrustrated · 01/02/2026 20:17

Your DD is right, in that he sounds abusive, and you should divorce him.
Though with regards to her shoes, surely having bare feet as you leave the house is all the reminder you need?
Edited for typing error

ParmaVioletTea · 01/02/2026 20:18

Your DD needs to keep her shoes in her room. If she thinks she'll go to work having forgotten to wear shoes (????) she can put them by her bedroom door.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice. I think you & he need a calm talk - if that's possible.

But your DD needs to butt out of your marriage completely. She's old enough to have a home of her own - or a room in a share house. She has no right to dictate to you your lifestyle.

Shimmerandshine21 · 01/02/2026 20:20

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 19:46

Honestly, I would like to try counselling first but he would never do it.

Show quote history

Well he’s an adult. Give him the option. If he declines and you explain your position then that’s his issue and you move forward. If you don’t suggest it it definitely won’t happen and he’ll likely say he didn’t know there was an issue/that you felt like that etc etc. don’t get me wrong it may change nothing but you’ve tried. If your 27 year old struggles with your DH then she needs to try and deal with that herself. She’s an adult. It sounds like they’re both being very rigid and neither will flex for the other but that shouldn’t be your issue they need to sort it out between them. I would be telling DH that as “the adult” messaging he wants nothing to do with her is childish and solves no issues

DaffodilTuesday · 01/02/2026 20:20

Yes, this is every level of wrong. Surely you choose the decor of your own bedroom - in what possible world is it unreasonable to expect to do this? My DC chose their decor as soon as they were old enough to do so. And while I understand it is difficult to leave and it takes time to realise this is abusive, but this man hates your DC and is homophobia when one of them is gay. I mean, you do know this, but it takes a while to process and decide what to do.

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:22

ParmaVioletTea · 01/02/2026 20:18

Your DD needs to keep her shoes in her room. If she thinks she'll go to work having forgotten to wear shoes (????) she can put them by her bedroom door.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice. I think you & he need a calm talk - if that's possible.

But your DD needs to butt out of your marriage completely. She's old enough to have a home of her own - or a room in a share house. She has no right to dictate to you your lifestyle.

Ok maybe I explained the shoe thing badly. Its that she has trouble keeping to time and if the shoes were upstairs she would spend time going backwards and forwards and make herself late. She has problems with executive dysfunction.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:23

allthingsinmoderation · 01/02/2026 20:17

i think ignoring is perhaps not helping.
If you said i dont agree the towels need to be washed separately and i dont agree the pans need to be washed separately. You do as your prefer and i will do as i prefer.
Why are you reluctant to voice your opinion?
Are you fearful of him?

Show quote history

Not fearful. but used to trying to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 01/02/2026 20:24

This relationship sounds like hell.

You earn six figures, you both have accommodation options I don’t know what you are waiting for.

KimuraTan · 01/02/2026 20:25

Is your husband maybe just fed up of your gender neutral, special needs, diverse set up?

He sounds exasperated - I am not defending him but looking for possible reasons why he’s stone-walling.

Your 27 year old DD can surely find her shoes in her own bedroom. Tell her to put her clutter away. And then tell your husband to pack it in if he goes on about gas if you have a bath.

BufferingAgain · 01/02/2026 20:28

Shoe rack is a red herring. There are a thousand reasons to dump this controlling git, not least that he is homophobic and you have a gay child.

The fact you have a great salary is massively in your favour. It might sound scary leaving but you’d be living with so much less anxiety if you weren’t surrounded by his. Go be free

allthingsinmoderation · 01/02/2026 20:28

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:23

Not fearful. but used to trying to keep everyone happy.

Show quote history

Maybe its time....
Time to keep you happy? Set some boundaries with the whole family,stand up for yourself.
You sound like a caring,kind person who has tried to do what everyone else wants, taking the line of least resistance and its brought you stress and misery. Im not blaming you for his behaviour but you may have enabled it somewhat and i think you've had enough....
Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2026 20:30

OP did you ring-fence the money you paid for the deposit?

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:31

pinkyredrose · 01/02/2026 20:30

OP did you ring-fence the money you paid for the deposit?

No!

OP posts:
Elphamouche · 01/02/2026 20:31

The shoes are not the issue… you need to get out.

Starlight7080 · 01/02/2026 20:31

Why would you want to be with someone who wont accept either of your children for who they are. Mental health wise he will always cause them problems. Not to mention yours. He is not going to change at his age. He will only get worse .

elkiedee · 01/02/2026 20:32

This is the home of the people who lives there, including your DD.

To me it makes total sense to keep shoes by the door, though we don't have our house set up so we can do so. DS2 and I always take outside shoes off when we come in, DP and DS1 don't. I'd like it if everyone did and I think taking shoes off near the door encourages people, and you don't get so much mud and dirt from outside on carpets (stairs and upstairs) and laminate/lino (dowstairs and bathrooms). But there does need to be a system so no one is tripping over them.

Is there space for a shoe rack, or some way of keeping shoes neat by the door?

I think this isn't really the issue, and he sounds as if he's being pretty mean. It's concerning if your child together is out about being to everyone except their dad, and judging by ages, he has been around for most of her life.

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/02/2026 20:34

Hellohelga · 01/02/2026 20:09

Maybe adult DD should move out. Then she can put her shoes where she wants.

The shoes are the least of it.

WhyDontWeJust · 01/02/2026 20:35

I know it probably feels like an enormous thing to leave him OP but I'm 99.9% sure you won't regret it. Life is too long to live like this. I'm guessing there are lots of things you put up with that you haven't mentioned here

ElfridaEtAl · 01/02/2026 20:37

@NewCyanFox I’ve only read your replies so haven’t seen if it’s been mentioned, what’s his relationship like with his older children?
If he doesn’t see them is there a reason that you’re aware of? What was the reason for his previous relationship breaking down?

Fully echoing other posters who have said you need to end things, this is no way for anyone to live.

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:40

ElfridaEtAl · 01/02/2026 20:37

@NewCyanFox I’ve only read your replies so haven’t seen if it’s been mentioned, what’s his relationship like with his older children?
If he doesn’t see them is there a reason that you’re aware of? What was the reason for his previous relationship breaking down?

Fully echoing other posters who have said you need to end things, this is no way for anyone to live.

He does see them both. Im not sure why his previous relationship broke down but it happened many years before we got together. He tends to keep both families quite separate. Although he blames me for this as well.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/02/2026 20:41

ParmaVioletTea · 01/02/2026 20:18

Your DD needs to keep her shoes in her room. If she thinks she'll go to work having forgotten to wear shoes (????) she can put them by her bedroom door.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice. I think you & he need a calm talk - if that's possible.

But your DD needs to butt out of your marriage completely. She's old enough to have a home of her own - or a room in a share house. She has no right to dictate to you your lifestyle.

This, your dd and dh both seem to want to be controlling and demanding of you.
and both are selfish, tell
both to leave !

Original poster
NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:41

I dont get on at all with his eldest, who is very much his favourite child and can do no wrong.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/02/2026 20:42

NewCyanFox · 01/02/2026 20:31

No!

Show quote history

Ah fuck. You're in a vulnerable position. Who's idea was it to sell yours but not his?

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