DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Have a shoe cupboard fitted for your hall. Trust your gut re how you feel about your relationship with your dh

Agree
So sorry OP
So unfair what he’s doing.
Very selfish
Why doesn’t he cook for all of you, not just himself.

Our shoes are near the door. Cleaner carpets elsewhere then.

That’s very sad DS can’t be himself.

It really sounds controlling.

Sorry you are going through this

Do you mind if DD keeps her shoes in the hall? It seems a logical thing to do, & something that people would suggest if she asked for tips on getting out of the house on time. You know, ‘Lay out clothes the night before, make sure bag, coat & shoes are in the hall, ready to go.’

And I bet her mental health would improve if DH wasn’t around.

I wouldn’t necessarily divorce DH on the advice of DD, but everything you say about him screams Leave!

A lot of people here don't understand the connection between the shoes and the DDs neurodivergence. I'm autistic so hopefully I can explain. Its not that the shoes are the only reminder that tell her to go to work, its that the shoes are part of a larger network of thoughts and rituals to make sure she doesn't forget anything.

An example. I have my medicines, make up bag and hair stuff all on a row on the floor infront of the mirror. My clothes are in the wardrobe next to this. So when I get up I just work from left to right. Then I leave thst room to brush my teeth. If someone tidied away one of those things not only would I not do that bit, but it would completely throw out all the other rituals I hinge my memory on to get sorted. Maybe I'd be so confused I'd forget to brush my teeth, or so worried that I forget my laptop bag. All these things are connected and are rituals that ND people have to construct to do things that come more easily to NT people.

Please go and be happy on your own with the cat, OP. Imagine being able to have a bath when you want one, be warm in your own home, and never worry about how to stack a dishwasher. Life is really too short for all this bullshit.

You've been looking forward to retirement, but he's really not going to get any better with age.

You're the frog that has been slowly boiled, for so long that the water has just about evaporated dry and the saucepan lid is clanging!!!!!!!!

I think the reality is that many step parents would start losing patience with their step child still living at home as adults; especially if they are a bit difficult to live with. (Same goes for parents and their biological children really!)

So maybe take dd out of the equation mentally, if she were to move out and it was just you and DH, would you have a happy life with him?

Doesn't sound like it to me, he doesn't sound loving or kind.

@MiloManni agree with this. @NewCyanFox you are contorted by accommodating so many people who need completely different things. Living with people (and you are all adults) is a series of compromises and the only one bending over is you. I imagine YOUR anxiety is through the roof trying to make everyone happy.

I second the ‘I am fucking off and leaving them all to it’ approach. When do you get to have your life?

This is exactly it

He belittles things I enjoy, like he says gaming is for kids and I should grow up

Please leave. You are being abused. If you have a good salary then you can afford not to worry about money. Your DD will be happier and so will you

I'm not neuro divergent. But there's a pair of shoes, a pair of boots and a pair of sliders in a row in the hall. It's the obvious place to put them, as that's where I need to put them on to go out, and that's where I need to take them off when I come in.

Why on earth would I carry them upstairs and put them in my (non existent) dressing room or take them down to my (non existent) cellar, when in an hour I'm likely to be putting them on again to go to Tesco/to put out the bins/to get something from the car?

AND THIS THREAD IS NOT ABOUT SHOES FFS!

Ah a friend is going through this a difficult divorce and four properties. The solicitor has said all four properties must be sold up and the money divided between the two of them.

I’m so confused what does DH mean . Too many posts post like this

DH is her husband

Yep. He sounds vile.

Yeah, your DD is right, you need to divorce this arsehole not just because he's horrible to her, which he is, but because he is horrible, abusive and disrepectful to you.

I wouldn't bother with a discussion with him, all you're doing is giving him a heads up to whats going on and time to plan malicious responses. Just find out where you stand and get the wheels in motion, he'll find out when he needs to.

What a wanker

She sold her house for the deposit though, I'm assuming she put a larger amount than him down. Maybe Op could clarify.

I did put down a larger amount. Everything is jointly owned 50/50.

He sounds dreadful and controlling tbh. Yeah shoes in the hall are annoying if you like a tidy home but there are people living there and it's not like she's leaving them in the kitchen sink, it's logical to leave them by the door as you take them off I guess.

You reveal a pattern of behaviour in your DH however, has he always been like this or is it since he retired and got older? He will feel being retired and spending alot of time in the house it's even more his own domain, and is controlling it. You're working full time, I think you can afford the gas to heat your bath water, he had an issue there.

The fact your DS can't be out to him too, is revealing. Again something your DH can't condone or control, so he will go ballistic? He doesn't sound particularly nice.

He's always been rigid and anxious about doing things out of routine. However I think he has got worse since he retired.

He sounds on the spectrum and I see huge similarities with an in law who is too, he controlled the thermostat and even if windows could be opened, and put a box over plugs to stop teenage stepkids playing games late at night etc. He's getting worse as he gets older and has less time to fill so what most would class as a none issue becomes absolutely massive to him.

He also cannot engage with any conversation about his behaviour or anything that goes too deep into emotions etc, it's not possible. He also holds onto the remote and controls tv, I remember I once had it on with cartoons when visiting with my toddler and when I briefly left the room to follow the toddler and come back he'd snuck in and turned it off in the 60 seconds we'd went to next room.

You might find this useful!

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

You're in a great position to build a new life for yourself, OP. Time is ticking on and it won't get easier.

You can't keep everyone happy sadly, it's often the woman's burden to bear in a family dynamic but you can't make your DH happy as his demands are impossible when existing in family life living with adult children, both of whom have vulnerabilities. It's classic that he's always been rigid about routine and it's worse now he'd retired, textbook really, but he needs to know he's not the boss of the house. The similarities with an inlaw of mine are so specific.