DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

how can you live with a man like that?

Shoes off by the door in our house for cleanliness reasons.
The rest...he sounds ghastly. I really feel for your DD

You own 3 properties, mortgage free. You’re working, earning 6 figures.

You’re in an abusive relationship, and should get divorced. You don’t need to worry about the money aspect of it. Presumably you’ll split the 3 properties, and can buy something for you (and maybe DD) to live in. Small mortgage if you want a bit more room.

Basically, leave him. But also expect higher standards of tidyness/work around the house from a 27 (!!) year old who is still living at home.

I’ve never known a house where people didn’t leave their shoes by the front door, what a bizarre thing for him to get worked up about. Do you all keep your shoes in your bedrooms?? I’ve never know such a thing.

Yes there would appear not to be anything financial to hold you back really either. He could just move back to his former flat and have the thermostat however he likes there.

Was he always like this? Why did you get together with him at first? What is it that is keeping you here because it’s hard to see from the outside. Yours and DDs mental health would be much improved by not living with him.

I have a nice coat stand in the hall with a stand in the bottom for shoes. Looks good.

This is a man who asks if your DS is on drugs repeatedly, picks on your DD, does not allow you to take a bath, does not allow you to watch TV you want or does not compromise his wishes, expects you to mind read his shopping needs, only cooks for himself - that is all I can remember off the top of my head - oh yes, blames you for everything.
What exactly will counselling achieve?

Even if he did decide to change his behaviour after counselling and managed to stick to it, it would be hard to come back from the point that he could have behaved better at any point over the last two decades but chose not to. But he also has no reason to change his behaviour as you put up with it, so right now, his behaviour works for him. I am thinking more that he would refute every point you try to make in counselling.

Team cunt is a bold choice

Oooffff... Your DH sounds like my elderly DF. Here's what happens if you stay: your adult DC will figure out how controlling he is and move back away from him. They will keep any grandkids under close supervision near him or away from him entirely. The scope of family life will get smaller and smaller until it is (more or less) just you and him. Is that what you want?

@NewCyanFox

"He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this"

WTF are you with a man who says this to your daughter?

What has homophobia got to do with the DH's reaction to his son having a non-binary identity? Non-binary isn't a sexuality.

Your husband is a scum bag and your kids are afraid of him. LTB.

I can't beat this earlier and very succinct post.

No wonder your DD has mental health issues and a lack of confidence. No wonder your DS is scared of his dad.

Put your children first (and yourself). You're in an incredibly fortunate financial and housing position, so you've really no excuse to stay with him. Counselling would be pointless. He's abusive, and not just to you.

Then you SHOULD divorce him, not for your adult daughter’s sake, but for your own!

Does anyone know what non-binary means in practice?

Oh please, let's not divert the conversation down that route.

Completely spot on….you need to divorce him because he’s a nasty bastard, not because of shoes left in the hall !!!

Same

Tbf it’s not exactly a stretch to assume that a man like that is homophobic.

Some more examples, again setting it out here for my own benefit

He says things like. Is DD awake? When more idea than he does, not possessing the ability to see through walls. He gets irritated if I say I don't know.

He got annoyed yesterday because DD went out without a coat and expected me to have told her to take one.

We have separate bedrooms, and he recently redecorated mine but he doesn't want me to have any of the decor I like. He thinks I am ungrateful.

He is a hoarder. Ive been trying to decanter and he tries to go through the bin bags to check I haven't thrown away anything he thinks might one day be useful. I gave away a kids book about roblox on a free app and he was annoyed because one day it might be valuable

When we got married he said he loved that I have so many books. Yet now all he does is complain they take up space.

He is homophobic. DD is gay BTW.

Maybe adult DD should move out. Then she can put her shoes where she wants.

The shoes situation isn't a big deal, that alone isn't being abusive. It sounds like that is just the tip of the iceberg though. You can't let your adult DD make decisions on your relationship but if you feel uncomfortable and not valued in your home/marriage you should probably consider if you would be happier separated.

Does he have mental health issues eg:OCD.
How do you respond when he says these things eg: Him :You are not allowed to wash towels with other clothes or you are not to put stainless steel pans in the dishwasher.? Do you capitulate?
Id say : you can do not do those things if you prefer but i dont think there is a valid reason for not doing those thing s so im doing them....
What happen then?

So, the towels thing I just ignore. The pans, I let him get on with it , as if he wants to hand wash them then do it, but I won't. This if course means he moans that I haven't done it. The pans go in the dishwasher when he isn't here. He tends to do this thing where he walks about muttering to himself about it.

It’s strange you say DD wants you to divorce DH but it doesn’t sound like you like him or have a good relationship. In which case yes divorce him. But for you not for DD.