DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Agree. Both are in the wrong!!

I don’t think your daughter is wrong. The shoes in the hall are a red herring. There’s much bigger issues in your household and your marriage than your daughter a your husband getting into petty fights about bloody shoes which happen to be in the hall. My own teenagers are both ND so her reasoning makes sense to me btw. The bath tantrum. The soy sauce tantrum. How can you sleep with someone like that? Or even share the same home as them. Are you afraid of him?

Your other child being too scared to be themselves fully in their own family is heartbreaking. No one should ever have to feel frightened of a parent’s reaction to them being non binary. I have a friend who is gay and has told their mum but kept it a secret from their dad because he knows his dad will go mental. Absolutely disgusting way to treat your own child.

Wow you earn just shy of six figures and aren't allowed to have a bath!

You think it's OK for him to moan about OP using gas if she dares to have a bath?

For goodness sake, what is this leach adding to your life? Get him out of the house, fast.

Another happy blended family.

Seriously though I don’t know why people sign up for this misery, and drag their kids into it.

No child - and that include both his and Op’s kids - should need to grow up in a family/household with an unrelated adult who doesn’t even like them.

He needs to wants the video bene brown on ‘blame’ on YouTube

I have ADHD and my shoes NEED to be by the front door. Absolutely no way are any shoes being stored elsewhere. My DH is the same and we both grew up in households with ADHD parents. Both of our family homes have ALL shoes by the front door.

The thought that people keep their shoes elsewhere is mind blowing. That would disrupt the entire order of getting ready and would be completely insane and very disruptive. The thought of outdoor footwear going into bedrooms is also really unhygienic IMO.

The more you say about your 'D'H, the worse he sounds. Narrow-minded, controlling, short-tempered.... why are you putting up with this? Why are you showing your children that this is acceptable?

Our hallway has about 10 pairs of shoes lying about. They sometimes get put away in the boxes that are there for them, but quite often they need to air off, or dry off, or are needed in the next few hours. Do you know what happens when my husband sees them? He moves them aside if they're in the way.
When we've run out of something for a recipe what does he do? Either makes it without, or goes to the shop.
We have quite a few of our DCs friends around here on a regular basis. Why? Because quite a few are gay or bi. They like it here because we don't care about that stuff. We appreciate that they are friends of DC and that they are able to identify as they wish in our home.

What do you want op everyone seems to be emotionally relying on you. When do you get a break?

Your daughter needs to pucker up and get a proper job and start saving. She needs to take responsibility and you need to stop feeling sorry for her. Toughen up now you ain't getting no younger and god forbid if anything happened to you do you think your husband is going to continue living with her. Find her a course that she can do that can lead to self employment and she can build her own business. Doing nothing and continuing as you all are is not helping her or your husband's anxiety. Has she always been a challenge?

@NewCyanFox

I think you really need to give thought as to why you're there. Why do you tolerate it? If you're staying for financial reasons that can be a valid choice but not if it comes with a very high price. Sure, things are 'comfortable' as far as not worrying about money, but you must worry about so much more than money. Worry about your DS, worry about your DD, worry about saying the wrong thing, worry about doing the wrong thing. I tell you this: it's not worth it. I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit in peace than dine on filet mignon in a mansion in a continual state of vigilance.

I think you should quietly speak to a solicitor. Give them a snapshot of your and his finances and ask about what divorce may mean to you financially.

And I'll tell you this from experience, retirement does NOT change someone's personality. It intensifies it.

Absolutely.
Its the misery it causes the children dragged into it that i find so offensive.
All because a woman cannot exist without a man.
Undoubtedly being raised in a highly controlling abusive home has impacted the mental health of the children who had thix nightmare environment foisted on them.

Of course OP paid the house deposit.....naturally.
Poor children.

OP's daughter keeps 3 pairs in the hall and depending on space, they may get in the way. It sounds like OP's DH is fed up living with her adult daughter.
I think it may be time for her to try living with her girlfriend so she can become independent.

OK, shoes have a place (says the woman with three pairs of trainers in the hall) but controlling men are very unattractive. He never cooks for you???

I couldn't live my life like this. I have ADHD but that's not why. I just can't be doing with conflict over pointless things.

I do agree with this but she also needs to address her approach with her 27 year old daughter who works part-time in a charity shop. If the op doesn't sort her out then she will always be relying on her emotionally and financially. When will the op get a break and someone looks after her?

You won't get sincere, long-lasting change out of him after 20 years and with his attitude. This is who he is. So you need to make a decision (not necessarily right now) if you're happy to spend the rest of your life tying yourself in knots to meet his arbitrary demands.

That doesn't mean daughter gets a free pass either though. Sounds like it'd be good for her to have a glide path towards living independently too.

Why is it so important not to allow your autistic DD the routines that help her cope with everyday life?

I also agree with this statement. All we are getting is the op complaining about her husband's attitude I bet if we got his side it would be a different story. Op can't let go and push her daughter. My parents were like that my brother even said free rent and food why should he change.

The dishwasher comment tells me everything I need to know- controlling and abusive. Get rid of him quickly

The shoes may get in the way and it could be a small space. She does seem to rebel against boundaries no matter how small it is. That for me is a red flag.

You do need to divorce him, but not because your daughter says so

you should divorce him because you are in an abusive controlling relationship

Can you afford to help her get a studio or flat share with a girlfriend?
It may help her mental health and help her to become more independent.
She is already 27 and most people only grow up when they have to sort their own lives out, pay bills, do their own washing and tidying up, etc. Otherwise, they remain eternal teenagers if mum is doing everything on their behalf.

He is very abusive, has he always been like this? You post is worrying. Is your DS afraid of him? Has he caused some of DS problems with his mh? Please get help with leaving this man.

when you live in a house it should be freedom . So if this is happening with the DH doing this to your special daughter then it needs to be sorted out, first talk jt out if it doesn’t work then threaten him

Yep. Blended families are nearly always shit for kids.

Here come the screams of rage from mothers who don't want to hear that moving an unrelated man into their kids' lives was about their own happiness and not at all about their kids.