DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

Regardless, he doesn't get to scream at her over soy sauce or moan at her for having a bath, or mutter under his breath as he rearranges the dishwasher, or control access to the TV, or demand they do not wash towels with other clothes, or demand nobody increases the temperature on the thermostat beyond the mark he has dictated it should remain below, or claim his wife is lying when she states that DS is not on drugs and harass her about this repeatedly.

So no, he's just an abusive arsehole and no excuses can be made for his choice to be an abusive arsehole.

Your DD is right op. You do need to divorce him.

The comments about the shoes, I had no idea some people never keep shoes in the hall. Mind blown. But as others have commented she has a system that helps her and having some shoes in the hallway in her home shouldn't be such a big deal.

Neither should you being able to choose programmes, or have a bath, or either of your children being able to be open about who they are and how they feel. (Personally I am definitely not homophobic but I am gender critical, but I'd still hope my children felt they could be open if they were experiencing any discomfort around their sex/body).

It sounds like you have enough joint assets that they could be split and you both be homed.

I think you need to think about, and linger on the idea of living in a house without all this control, tension and negativity.

I left my eldest's dad who was very controlling and just so rigid and miserable to live with. Once we split it was like a dark thunder storm had cleared and I could feel the sun on me again.

Go for counselling alone if you can op.
You said he wouldn't go and it's not recommended anyway as he's controlling and emotionally abusive. Go just for you by yourself, and it will help you so much.

Also: living with my eldest's dad has very much influenced how I approach my own ND kids (me and their dads are definitely ND, I was diagnosed as an adult, they haven't been but definitely are!). I do not let my eldest control our home. He does want to. Things like windows being closed, wanting only his shows on, wanting to keep every item he ever owns, etc. I don't let him! He can sit with the anxiety and discomfort of not controlling our whole family's lives and life with it. I feel this is very important as a parent of ND kids. The world won't bend to their will and I don't think the people they live with should constantly have to either. Living in a home together means give and take from all parties. Right now your home doesn't have that at all.

He abuses you and both your children.

You have the financial means to leave.

Why have you stayed?

But you say that his old house is now jointly owned by you both. Does that roughly equal things out? Sorry if I've missed some posts.

The important thing is that between you you own two houses, and so separating would be relatively easy (compared to most couples that would struggle with both having somewhere to live).

One of the things I dislike most about Mumsnet is how quickly threads descent into "leave the bastard" even if all he's done is left a sock on the floor but in this case I honestly cannot see why you are together and worse I don't think you can either.

Whatever direction she chooses she is still a carer to her daughter. I feel sorry for the op and the mess around her.

Sounds like he is absolutely sick of both you and your DD. Why would you want to live with a man that is abusive, selfish and clearly doesn't like you or your kids? Do everyone (him included) a favour and get a divorce.

only sometimes?

He doesn't sound nice to any of you.

Soy bloody sauce?

Why are you putting up with this?

Yes, I agree that her daughter should not be so dependent and living with her mother - regardless of her daughter's issues, OP deserves a proper life free of dancing attendance on everyone else.

However, as a parent of young adults who have had their own challenges (and are thank God doing very well now) having a needy adult daughter would not be nearly so awful as having a husband being abusive to you daily. As well as being abused herself, OP isn the meat in the sandwich trying to keep her daughter protected from his moaning and emotional and verbal abuse.

It is quite likely affecting her daughter badly living with this man, and of course she should be out there on her own, but perhaps if OP ditches her abusive husband the much more peaceful, much less stressed environment will lead to bigger and better things for the OP and her daughter.

She can at least remove one albatross around her neck, the one she didn't bring in to the world, and her life is bound to improve, if not immediately once they are all settled in a new routine.

What are you thinking???
Most women in your circumstances would be dreaming about setting up life on their own but can't afford it.... you can, so why are you putting up with all this crap. One thing for certain he isn't going to get better.
This is YOUR life... not a rehearsal... get sorted. Good luck

I have very little experience with Autism and ADHD in adults so I didn't want to give advice on something I know very little about. If her DD was NT I'd say it was time to start 'pushing her out the nest', but given her DD's diagnoses I didn't know if that would be the right thing to say. OP should certainly consult with experts on the best way to help her DD become independent.

I hear you about OP needing a break. But I think it'd probably be less stressful on OP if she ended her marriage. Then it might be easier for her to help her DD become independent since she wouldn't have her DH antagonizing the both of them.

Personally I don't think having one or two pairs of shoes by the door is the crime of the century. I think it falls more under 'hills you don't want to die on'.

Shoes left by the door would drive me up the wall. I could not tolerate this and would keep moving them. However, he is abusive over and above this, and if it doesn't bother OP to have the shoes there then when she and her daughter are free of him, all good.

And I absolutely agree that without this abusive man making their home a miserable place to live her daughter will probably do much better. The stress of living in such an unpleasant environment with such a selfish, unpleasant, unkind man would be like an anvil hanging over your head every day.

Tomorrow (today!!). Read all of your own posts, then try to answer why you'd stay with him.

im as soft & sentimental as they come. But j can't think of anything he's bringing to your life that's positive.

honestly thats what I thought.

my SIL is German and has her home running like clockwork.
Shoe rack by the door everyone has to take their shoes off when coming in. MY nephew was APPALLED to see in our house we didnt take our shoes off when we came in. And insisted we did so 'theres no dog poo in the house' Quite right

where would you keep the shoes?

I realised too late that I was in an abusive and controlling marriage and I lost everythign becasue it was a factor in me getting psychosis

I think I agree with this. I stayed too long and it broke me completely in ways I didnt even think possible. I went int psychosis from stress and lost every single tight id worked for

Re: I dont know what to do

> Forget divorce - separation IS what you should do. You dont HAVE to live together, if you dont want to
You ONLY need a divorce IF you are wanting to remarry - and make THAT official
Simply separate - don`t live together, live WITH somebody else if that IS what you want to do ?

Somewhere tidy, not at the door. Depends on their set up.

im currently probably going ot have to separate from ym husabnd but we are not intending to divorce just now. although I would be financially much better off if we did

Agree with this, you can afford to get out OP! He sounds very controlling. You say he thinks hes boss of your house, do you not challenge him on this, and the rules u have to follow?! Every time he turns the tv over on purpose, pls turn it back over, every time, pls stop rolling over for him. Can u cope living with this man in retirement 24/7?!!

I havent seen anything about her final situation - have I missed soemthing somewhere?

You ONLY need to divorce IF you have a replacement partner IN the wings who you ARE about to marry.
Separation IS a common thing - divorce IS the financial part ONLY
> Arguments sake - you DO divorce TOMORROW - signed and sealed, what are you goin to do?
Learn to live again, separate and find yourself
> Maybe you WILL remarry, maybe you won`t ?
Find yourself, who you are and where you want your life to take you

thing is im totally dependent financially on my partner. he was a contributory factor in my stress that sent me into psychosis nine years ago and I lost everythign and havent been able to work

I get where you are comin from - you clearly NEED to separate from your partner
> I have a solution for you.
Finances aside you need to find love again.
God will always love you - Gods love IS a safer love Go to church - you WILL be welcome Just turn up, go in have a look around - go through the motions You might get somethin from it - if you dont, what have you lost - an hour
of your day - that is all it takes

Sounds to me like he feels to have lost power now he is retired, so I resorting to trying to control you all in different ways - eg bath and shoes
doesn’t make it right whatever his motivation!