DD wants me to divorce DH

[NewCyanFox]

Hi all. Welcome all thoughts here as I genuinely am torn about what to do. Sorry this is long. Background: been married to DH for 20 years, and I have a DD (27) from a previous relationship. We have a DS (21) and he has 2 older DDs in their 30s. My DD, I will call her Abby, lives with us. She is Autistic and has ADHD, and has had mental illness health problems in the past, including OCD. DS (Billy) is at university, is nonbinary but not out to their dad, and attempted suicide last year although is now on medication amd seems stable.
DH and Abby have a volatile relationship. This has come to a head today over some shoes. DH has insisted Abby can't leave her shoes in the front hall. Abby says she needs them there as a reminder when she leaves for work. There are usually 3 pairs. He told her to move them and she didn't so he left them outside her room. She has seen this as another example of him not wanting her in the house. She put them back. He has now sent her a message saying he wants nothing to do with her. This is not the first time he has done something like this. For example, we can't have anyone round as he goes into a frenzy about the state of the house. I can't have a bath without him complaining about me using gas. He says no-one except him does anything in the house, yet he is retired and I still work full-time. Abby wants me to divorce him and says he is verbally abusing her and doesn't want her here. I dont know what to do!

This is him exactly. If I'm watching something on tv and go to the kitchen for 5 mins he will switch it over. He's also getting a little deaf and won't admit it, and gets cross if he can't hear something said to him.

How much larger, was it say 10 or 20 grand more than him? Or 50/100?

He definitely sees himself as the boss of the house.

You are mortgage free, earning nearly 6 figures and have adult children.

If you unhappy, being 'worried about the disruption' and the bit on your lifestyle are lame excuses not to split. You just either don't want to or you can't be bothered to.

It fine if you want to stay with him. Just don't come up with shit excuses why you can't split. Being 'worried about the disruption' and the hit on your lifestyle are lame excuses stay together.

I always say the notable thing on threads like this is the following: you've made 38 posts on this thread (so far) and you haven't said you love him ONCE.

Your only reason for staying with him seems to be convenience and because spliting is too scary.

You need to come up with some GOOD reasons of why you want to stay together. Not for MN's viewer benefit. But for you and your own self worth.

If you can't come up with a good long list, this should give you serious food for thought.

I paid the deposit, the rest was mortgage.

All from my house sale.

That's because he is.

Imagine being the boss of your own home! You can do this!!!

Your daughter needs her shoes in the hallway because of her autism ADHD. Many people posting on here don’t understand that she needs that reminder to function. Your husband is ignorant of this or unwilling to accommodate her. I don’t know what the answer is. Does your daughter understand how divorcing your husband would impact both your lives? Sending strength

You need to see a solicitor about finances. You may lose some of what you've put into the marriage, but I would think the loss would be worth it.

This doesn't sound like a healthy marriage. You might be able to seek some advice from women's aid, or you might like to try counselling for yourself so you are armed with tools to be honest with yourself about how controlling this relationship is.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do going forward.
National domestic abuse helpline which is run by Refuge is 0808 2000 247

I'm wondering if he's a lot older if retired. If so @NewCyanFox needs to think hard about her long term future. she sounds like the frog being slowly boiled to death unaware of the danger. Letting things slide which just emboldens him.

He treats her like staff, cooks his own meals, sleeps alone. Would she be missed?

After twenty years of marriage the three properties would be split 50 50. They are in an envious position

who the fuck is he to stop you having a bath? sounds horrible

@NewCyanFox this is what you have told us about your (D)H: anxious, controlling, demanding, irrational, controlling, abusive, homophobic, intolerant, uncaring, unkind.

This is what we know about you: hard working, high achieving at senior level job, peacemaker, conflict avoider, accepting limits imposed by abusive husband, anxious and lacking in confidence in personal matters, UNHAPPY.

You are in a good position financially and you are totally able to divorce your abusive controlling husband. You WILL be OK. In fact, you'll be much more than OK - you will be happy and content. Imagine setting the thermostat to a level YOU are comfortable with, having 2 baths a day if you want to, choosing your own home decor ...

Please think about counselling for yourself - don't bother mentioning it to H again.
And start getting the financial info together that you will need.

Good luck! 💐

And we're done. I get not wanting a 27 year old woman living in your house creating a mess - and moving her shoes is absolutely fine. But the more I read, the more it seems it's a him problem.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is shouting at you, making it impossible to have visitors and moaning because you have a bath? Obviously, ditch him if you can, this is no way to live.

Your retirement is going to be absolutely miserable if you don't do something, OP.

I’d be willing to bet the mental health of both children would be vastly improved by you getting rid of this grumpy, controlling prick.

Doesn’t cook for you? Mean. Controlling. What’s the point of him?

Leave him, or this is your life forever.

And your children will avoid him, and therefore you, in years to come.

My father and as not a million miles away from your description of your husband. And I spend as little time with my parents as possible.

I felt a bit sorry for him at first. However, he does sound far too demanding and controlling. If you would be happier without him then get divorced.

The shoe thing could be annoying for some.. the fact he goes nuclear about things his son is in a state of fear you can't do an everyday normal thing like relax in the bath when you work everyday.
He doesn't even cook you something to eat .
Why would you want to stay married as daunting as a divorce might be the life you gain away from this life will make it all worth it .
Be brave look inwards are you happy do you want the rest of your life this way.
Think of you do it for you x

He sounds awful. I think your DD is right sadly. Have you got any good friends you could talk to? Is there anyone who could support you if you decide to divorce him?

Your DD has autism and other neuro diversity challenges and commentators don't get that her shoes need to be there because it's part of what she needs? Wow, just wow. How ignorant our society seems.

Three pairs of shoes in the hallway is no big deal. But for you) r, DH is might be, he sounds like he might have neurodiversity too - I honestly don't like to think people are automatically AHs, though he might be one if he isn't ND amd even if he is, he needs to manage his behaviour better.

Anyways, can the shoes be placed in a really nice storage of some description? I have a hallway bench with storage, for example. Would that work?

But the shoes really aren't the issue are they? Your DH is abusing your DD and you ignore it and remain trapped, deal with it and it stops or leave and it stops.

Which do you want? What's best for you?

Of course you should divorce him! He sounds awful and abusive.

Shoe issue aside, I’d be getting rid of the controlling man. And I’d lay in the bath while he packs his bags.

You say your son is non-binary - is he also autistic ?
A lot of young autistic people are identifying as the opposite or no sex due to not being able to relate to other people easily. Is he also gay like your DD?

Are any of your DH children from his previous relationship autistic?
If so, that may be the issue for all 3 (your DD, DS and DH).

Otherwise it just sounds like the usual squabbles that happen after 20+ years living under the same roof. Most parents expect their children will move out when they grow up, it can be frustrating when they don't.

I wouldn't listen to your DD as she's just looking to do what she wants when she wants and your DH isn't allowing her to do that. She needs to get up earlier if going back upstairs for a pair of shoes is enough to maker her late for work.
She needs to grow up - you won't be around forever and it's best she does this now.