low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Your sister seems very focused on the financial aspect.

If she can’t afford to live on her wage then she’ll need to get a different job.

Her kids do not need childcare any more and no judge will see that as an excuse.

But she will get UC top ups, especially if she’s in rented accommodation.

Any court will not take her choosing to work a low paid job with less hours as a reason to go for more custody.

But the kids are old enough to have a voice.
And what’s best for the kids is what should happen.

Where does the ex live in comparison to their school?
It doesn’t matter that he works long hours as they’re old enough to not need childcare but if they can’t get to school then that is an issue.

If I were in your sister's shoes I would very telling him how I would see 50/50 working for me ... including he would be having them every other weekend.

Look at every playground across the country the majority of children are dropped off and collected by their mums (I know there is are a few Dad's before any squawks up that their DH does all the school runs). Women are normally the primary care giver backed by Millenia of evolution.

Obviously there are some shit mums but there are order of magnitude more shit dads.

Custody splits should consider the average of the roles parents have actually paid in the last 3 years in determining splits not what some disney dad suddenly thinks he can do because he found a new squeeze to do the parenting.

But you stated ‘children should be with their mum’

They’re 11 and 15 and she works part time to meet their needs?

Pull the other one.

Many, many parents of children of that age and younger work full time and manage to care for their children.

Working part time when you have children is a choice, not a necessity- many of us don’t do so. It’s a choice that isn’t available to everyone financially, and is certainly not ordinarily available to single parents.

I know very little about the specific situation. But I do know working full time and therefore earning more is an absolute possibility.

thank you!

Which would be the impact. The vast majority of men who suddenly want 50:50 would probably on get every weekend based on a review of last 3 years. That leave the Mums to do the parenting as happens anyway.

It shouldn’t happen anyway.

Women should be expecting men to pull their equal weight in all aspects of family life, from the off, and to maintain that expectation if they separate.

Two people have children. Together. Both parties have equal responsibility to care for and raise the life that they both created.

The kids are 11 and 15 so don't need childcare and will not be eligible for child maintenance for very long. They are old enough for their wishes should be taken into account in terms of where they spend their time.

The split of assets (if there are any) should probably be weighted in your sister's favour as he is a higher earner and at this point has better career prospects. But your sister needs to make a plan very, very quickly to increase her earning potential.

She should also discuss her concerns about her husband's violence and alcohol misuse with her solicitor.

Irrespective of the divorce, in 7 years time both children will have grown. She needs to think about how she is going to support herself in the next stage. I don't know how old she is, but assuming she had her oldest at 25, she is 40. She needs to seek out new ways of earning. In the short term, she may get UC, but once the kids leave home, elements will fall away. She should have already been thinking about this, but now she needs to think about it again in a different light.

As a minimum, she can claim CB.

That doesn't happen in reality and many women don't want it to happen. How many actually want to share their maternity leave with their partner? I didn't and no one I know did, not because the men didn't want to but because they wanted to have the time with the baby themselves.

Did you share your maternity leave for equality sakes?

Oh, I know why!

Yeah because the patriarchy isn't rigged against women at all. I'm sure the OP's sister can just walk into a high-paying full-time job (despite the job market being massively depressed and layoffs happening all over the place at the moment, and despite not having relevant qualifications) and she won't need a penny from her ex-husband. Girl power!

We’re talking about 11 and 15 year olds, so I think the moment for maternity leave has passed.

Women obviously have a higher care responsibility when it comes to breastfeeding, but beyond that obvious biological fact - both parents are equal, and should parent as such.

Carrying a baby doesn’t make you anymore responsible for it.

We did split it, less because of equality and more because I actually didn’t want up to a year out of work. I was also given a financial incentive to return early. Had I been able to breastfeed I would have expressed so night feeds were still shared too.

But that doesn’t mean children should automatically be with their mum. It’s a sweeping statement

2 people have children . They’re equally responsible for them.

DP went down to 2 days a week when the dc were small as the ex wanted their career

She could have gotten those qualifications and experience all along. Women are able to do that.

She chose not to, but let’s not pretend high earning women don’t exist.

She may not walk into a great job but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be working full time and trying to progress.

We all only know what the OP has told us. She mentioned coercive control. This means he's highly unlikely to be a decent dad, or to be acting in the kids' best interest.

Telling her what she should be doing career-wise is a moral judgement, not a practical one. There's an awful lot of moral judgement going on on this thread. Some posters clearly really don't like the idea of women getting any money from their ex-partners, certainly not any more than they are perceived to 'deserve.'

Yes, many parents do work FT - but OP's sister doesn't, as she gave up her career to care for the dc and now works PT in a low paying job. The DH earns £60K. This matters in a divorce settlement/child arrangements order.
She will need a reasonable period of adjustment to get back into FT/better paid work - the courts will allow for this. The greatest consideration is given to the needs of the children - even older children - to minimise upheaval to them.
They will certainly take into account the wishes of dc aged 11 and 15, and according to OP, they want to stay with their mum.

Or………OP dislikes him as he’s divorcing her sister? So it’s biased and 2nd hand info we are getting

We don’t know him and we don’t know her and we don’t know their marriage

The fact remains - she needs to work full time and start supporting herself - she has no reason not to. He doesn’t have to support her.

I’m not telling her what she should do career wise - I’m saying she needs to work full time - same as every one else is and court will. Why shouldn’t she work full time?

OP will both parents be living close to the school?

The court will look at the logistics of how 50/50 will work for the children, as well as the children’s views.

Your sister working as a TA and her wage will not come into it.

Tell him he can have 100% custody with he visiting every other Saturday, starting now. That usually makes them reconsider.

Is DH able to drop off and collect from school? If it's 50/50 ? It's important he would understand support from DW would end on those days