low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Caring for the money than kids being a priority is strange to me,

50/50 is always best if both parents can do it and obviously if it benefit the kids.

What site did you use for 60k salary? why would a parent pay any child support on a 50/50 child care split?

My ex had no job (her choice) and I was on 66k, i had 50/50 care of our 7 year old, i paid nothing as per CMS application she filed.

She could potentially go for a bigger stake in the equity in the house since she is more in needs of funds than him.
problem she’s going to have though is she won’t be entitled to any universal credit if she’s got more than 16k in savings. How much equity will she get? Is it enough to buy somewhere outright? Will she qualify for a mortgage?

He sounds awful, but that makes it even more important that she focuses on her own finances. Both in asset split and earning ability. She's probably better off not relying on maintenance from a nasty ex with an alcohol problem. Yes, this will be a real shame for the school and kids who currently benefit from her talents.

They don't have to choose, they can live with both for part if the week.

She needs to be careful relying on her children's father to continue to support her - how will she manage when her children reach 18 and the gravy train ends?

She would be better at this point to strive to make changes to build her own independence, a better job with more hours. TA work is effectively very part time due to short days and school holidays, she needs a job that will bring her more work.

Op she should go for full custody on the basis of his drinking and kicking the door but if he gets 50/50 at least she can say she tried. If he takes them half the time she would need to agree he pays half of everything like clothes etc. he can’t have them 50/50 but only feed them he still needs to support them also this will give her a break and on his wages he won’t get uc so she should definitely try but either way if he’s adamant he will fight it’s up to the court. I would not bow down to him especially as he is the one instigating it.

The DC are 11 and 15...the dad is unlikely to have the same experience.

At 11 and 15 he hardly needs childcare, they can walk themselves to and from school and won't need much seeing to in school. Holidays either

Just the gov calculator.

Set the salary at £60k, assume there are no pension withdrawals or other kids, put that it’s 50% split.. you get the attached result.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Financial matters and child arrangements are treated separately in a divorce. As the lower earner she could make the case for a higher share of their assets, particularly on the grounds the raising the shared children has negatively impacted her earning potential in the past. However a Judge will expect her to maximise her income and she is considered available to work full time with children as old as hers. Assuming the 11 year old is year 7, no wraparound care is generally needed.

separately to the finances, she could go for a higher share of contact time than 50/50: alternate weekends and one weekday type split is still quite common. If they cannot agree between them, she would apply for a child arrangements order and certainly the wishes of an 11 and 15 year old would be very influential in the decision on custody split. 15/16 year olds are considered to be able to determine their own residence choice really unless the favoured parent is a safeguarding risk

Actually, there is isn't. 90% of single parents are women. CMS is owed hundreds of millions. Women do more of the household management still.

Why do you think it is coercive to seek equal custody?

Unfortunately, your sister has gotten herself into a pickle in terms of her employability and having put her career on hold - lots do, atleast she is married I guess. But she can’t say no to 50/50 based on the fact she is a low earner, moreover I think she’ll be in for surprise at how much maintence she’ll receive.

custody should always be about what’s best for the kids. She needs to focus on what she’s entitled or benefits wise, look to upskill - the kids will need a lot of support post divorce but she really needs to also be considering her career, they aren’t babies anymore- and make sure child arrangements adequately cover 50:50 in reality/ what happens during school holidays as a full time worker etc what provisions are made for the kids whilst he’s at work.

im sorry she’s going through this, equally she sounds well rid.

This feels really grubby to me. Her motivation around wanting the kids full time doesn't seem to be because she thinks it's in their best interests, her motivation around wanting the kids full time doesn't seem to be because she thinks it's in their best interests or because she can't bear to be apart from them, but so that she can get maintenance.

These aren't 5-year-olds where you need to work around wrap around care and school holidays. They are secondary school kids. She doesn't need to work around as her own child care anymore.

It sounds to me like she's trying to get him to subsidise continuing to work part-time.

And it's only after lots of people have said this, that suddenly he has an alcohol problem and might be a danger to the kids. Bit of a convenient drift feed, and seemingly didn't factor into the original post about where she wanted full custody.

How many of those women insist on a lesser custody for the children’s father simply because they’re the mum, or because they want the money - like in this case?

I absolutely believe people should pay for their kids. But I also believe they should have equal access to them, without the assumption it’s always the mother.

Women shouldn’t do more of the household management. It’s not 1965.

If it’s true 50/50 there will be no maintenance payable, no matter what the calculator may claim (although this is noted on the website, and is indirectly referenced in the advisory box on the screenshot). There’s a long running thread on AIBU from a poster that fell afoul of that one.

At £60k he isn’t a higher earner to the point where maintenance would be payable even with 50/50. That applies to those earning in excess of £156,000.

At the ages they are, the children’s wishes will be taken into account. She can argue for a greater percentage when it comes to the division of assets, but the court will also consider his need to support and provide housing for himself. She will be expected to find a job and support herself.

Most of them I would hope. Children should be with their Mum.

Why can’t your sister @SillyFinch pursue a career ? This will be much easier if she shares 50/50 with her husband. 60k isn’t lots of money for spousal support etc and she ultimately decided to sacrifice herself for the family , did she not have a back up plan if things go wrong ?

To add, also from the website:

Will the 50/50 be real ? As he will have them 4 days and get another 4 ? Or his he expecting get to still do most school pick ups and drop offs and holidays etc ?

She knows she can get more money (from the sale proceeds), due to him having the larger Pension, right?

And even more for Economic recompense for giving up her career, enabling him to pursue his?

How will he manage 50/50 if he works full time anyway??

Regardless I f 50/50 childcare arrangement l, wouldn't the children'sain home still be with the mum? And if so, she would he entitled to UC to help meet her rental and living costs.

There are plenty of opportunities to supplement a TA income without claiming benefits. I ga e some examples earlier.

She's the primary carer - she gave up a career in order to care the dc & now works PT and presumably does the majority of the childcare?
Courts will acknowledge that a continuity of the status quo is generally the best thing for children - so she does have a case for continuing the primary care role, with meaningful contact between dc & dad. Court will also take into account her unpaid contribution to the marriage and career sacrifice.
I think there has been a shift towards 50-50. It can work, but I don't think it's always best for the children - children need a permanent base, a place to call home, rather than shunted place to place all the time. The children are older, so should have their opinion taken into account.
Tbh - the amount of time it takes to sell houses/negotiate a divorce these days, they'll be older still - and practically able to make their own arrangements when to see Dad.
Either way, she should make sure she gets her fair share in the divorce - she should still be entitled to some maintenance, make sure he's not hiding any money & look at the pensions.
Encourage her to look into restarting her career she gave up to look after the kids - or a different one in the future - build up her self-esteem.

What a ridiculous statement to make!!

Explain your thoughts behind they should be with mum?

I take great offence to that comment, my daughters mum abandoned her over a year ago and I have had her 24/7 since then. So children need dad too..My daughter is turning out well, probably better than if her mum was around..

The child support she'd get from a £60K salary could in no way be described as 'a gravy train.'

Seem to be a lot of men's rights activists on this thread.