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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Ear Piercing Disagreement AIBU?

102 replies

NekcihcT2b · 30/12/2025 00:06

Background:
Court ordered 50:50 shared living arrangement for two DD. Parent A has long history of emotional harm and coercive behaviour toward the children but nothing deemed significant enough to warrant a change in the order.
DD1 (now 11) had her ears pierced just before age 10. Parent A did this without seeking my approval and prevented me from attending to watch.

AIBU?
DD2 (9) was gifted a voucher from me to get ears pierced for Christmas. She told Parent A on Xmas day. Parent A did not reach out to me with any concern. However I heard from DD2 on her return that Parent A said to her on Xmas day “no that’s not ok, it’s my job to take you and I was going to take you in the summer”.

I then emailed Parent A inviting them to come and watch and reminded them to communicate any issues directly to me rather than through the children. They responded to say that if DD2 comes back with her ears pierced then they will ‘punish her’ and will remove the earrings. That she needs to be 10 (October) before she is allowed however they have told DD2 that they will compromise at July (without consulting me).

I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical and DD2 was super excited if not a little fearful of Parent A’s response. There is no disagreement re DD2 being allowed her ears pierced, it is a question of 6 months. At which point I know full well they will take her without me per DD1 and is simply a way to prevent me from taking her.

What next?
I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care. I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision for the sake of 6 months and I am genuinely concerned as to how they plan to ‘punish’ her.

Whilst I understand I could have avoided this by not getting the ears pierced. I don’t feel that it is right to threaten to harm your daughter in order to control a situation.

It is understood that both parents should have a say in these matters - this is exactly how I would like to coparent. But the respect is unfortunately never reciprocated. By way of example, if I tell Parent A what I plan to gift the children to avoid duplicating; they will then go and gift it first. Agreements are made and then they are swiftly overturned as soon as they got what they wanted; leaving me without my side of the agreement.

So AIBU and what would you do next? Allow daughter’s return to Parent A knowing she will be ‘punished’ and the earrings removed? Or insist there needs to be confirmation of no punishment and no removal of earrings.

OP posts:
Moreshowergel · 30/12/2025 00:20

Why would you have needed to watch the first child get their ears pierced?
Why the convoluted work to avoid mentioning the other parents sex?

Original poster
NekcihcT2b · 30/12/2025 00:24

Moreshowergel · 30/12/2025 00:20

Why would you have needed to watch the first child get their ears pierced?
Why the convoluted work to avoid mentioning the other parents sex?

It is an exciting moment that both parents should have the option to be a part of, in my opinion.
Because gender is irrelevant, the focus of the post is the actions of each parent and helps to avoid gender bias.

OP posts:
Moreshowergel · 30/12/2025 00:26

It's weird to make it a family event.

Moreshowergel · 30/12/2025 00:27

It feels like you gifted the ear piercing this time as some kind of revenge for not being there last time.
And therefore in my view yabu.
But both parents sound like they need their heads bashed together

patooties · 30/12/2025 01:05

This sounds absolutely ridiculous for your kids. Both parents need to grow up.

Purlant · 30/12/2025 01:11

is this piercing a cultural rite of passage? If not this all sounds very odd. It’s not a spectator sport.

Givemeachaitealatte · 30/12/2025 01:44

I think both of you need to grow the hell up. Your poor DDs being stuck in the middle of this ridiculous charade. YA both BU.

FrazzledHippy · 30/12/2025 01:48

You're both damaging your child here. You're both in the wrong and you both need to grow up and seek help to coparent without having your children stuck in the middle.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/12/2025 01:51

Exciting moment - bollocks !
You are coming across as extremely controlling and spiteful.

God help the children having to live with all this childish nonsense.

and as for ' then she will not be returned to their care.' well what can i say !

Dartmoorcheffy · 30/12/2025 01:58

You both need to grow up

ShawnaMacallister · 30/12/2025 02:26

NekcihcT2b · 30/12/2025 00:24

It is an exciting moment that both parents should have the option to be a part of, in my opinion.
Because gender is irrelevant, the focus of the post is the actions of each parent and helps to avoid gender bias.

Show quote history

Ugh, no it's not
you are the one who escalated this unnecessarily. Your ex may be the toxic person you describe but you have created this situation out of nothing. Getting ears pierced isn't some important rite of passage and now you've exposed your DD to potential physical and emotional harm if her mum (I assume) removes her unhealed earrings.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 30/12/2025 02:53

If your children were pierced with guns instead of needles, then both parents were VVVU.

DarkForces · 30/12/2025 03:01

Why on earth not just wait 6 months? All this angst could have been avoided. The other parent's viewpoint on age is reasonable and it's something you should both be able to agree on and tell dd your conclusion about minimum age before they can choose to get their ears pierced. I definitely didn't find it an exciting event. I hated watching it happening but dd wanted earrings so I got it done properly with a needle by a fully registered piercer.

tripleginandtonic · 30/12/2025 03:12

Your poor dc being caught in the middle like this. Yabu for using dd2 to get at the other parent for not taking you to " watch" dd1 get theirs done.

Yogabearmous · 30/12/2025 03:15

Parent a probably wanted to wait until summer holidays to give them time to heal before school starts. Most people do this.

BreakingBroken · 30/12/2025 03:15

you sound unhinged self centered and controlling, parent a parent b bullshit.
ear piercing is NOT a group event, no more so than a pap smear.
and yes your gift voucher comes with strings which are incredibly obvious.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 30/12/2025 03:41

Are people really this toxic, batshit and willing to put their kids through pain just to score points? Pathetic and damaging

Fatiguedwithlife · 30/12/2025 03:46

Waiting until the beginning of the summer holidays is the sensible time to do it.
You’re both using the lid as a way of getting at each other and it’s cruel.
They are not toys and are not pawns.
Time to grow up

BookArt55 · 30/12/2025 07:56

Trying to read between the lines, it seems like:
You are tired of ex gettting the control, final say and the praise for being the 'better' parent.
You don't like missing out on events involving the kids.
You want to take back some control and put boundaries in place.

Makes sense.

However, I don't think you've gone about this the right way.
Your daughter is now stuck in the middle. Never acceptable. Your actions ha e meant you have lowered yourself to your ex's level, and your child is the victim in this situation.

If you want to be the safe, happy, 'better' parent, you've really mucked up here. You've now gone about this so that your ex can badmouth you, your actions mean you daughter has that dread and isn't safe or protected when she goes to the other parent.

Other parent is unreasonable, doesn't mean you should follow suit and give your kids two unreasonable parents.

Edited to add- you should have messaged saying can we agree when DD can get them pierced, can I take her and you're welcome to join. At least attempt to communicate before going ahead with the voucher.

And I say this knowing I have an abusive, unreasonable coparent. But I wouldn't put my kids in the middle like this.

Mama1980 · 30/12/2025 08:01

You are both in the wrong and behaving badly. Your daughter is stuck in the middle, with respect it’s about her not you ‘missing out.’

Clutterbug2026 · 30/12/2025 08:02

Yogabearmous · 30/12/2025 03:15

Parent a probably wanted to wait until summer holidays to give them time to heal before school starts. Most people do this.

Yep. This is why the first Saturday of the school holidays is very busy for ear piercing.

Eenameenadeeka · 30/12/2025 08:05

You both sound toxic and you need to sort yourselves out, the poor children having to deal with this. Ear piercing is not a whole family activity, it's clearly something your child wants though and it doesn't need to be a competition between you.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/12/2025 08:08

Thi will cause such issues for your DD! She’ll have to take then out for PE. That’s why we wait for the summer holidays. She’ll also have to care for them correctly and put them in and out on her own. That’s why the summer holiday is sensible, so she has time to practice.

My DD had hers done too early (long story) and it caused issues. She had to give them up.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 30/12/2025 08:09

Thing is, if one parent is stubborn and argumentative the other has to prioritise the DC not escalate to punish the other parent.

k1233 · 30/12/2025 08:17

Which one of you is putting your daughter first and not engaging in pettiness and one-upmanship? Neither of you. You are putting you 9 yo child in the middle of your power struggle and using something as ridiculous as ear piercing to do so.

There's a trending thread currently from a mother whose ex kept their child over Christmas, against court order. I suggest you go and read that to see what it looks like to put your child first.