Ear Piercing Disagreement AIBU?

[NekcihcT2b]

Background:
Court ordered 50:50 shared living arrangement for two DD. Parent A has long history of emotional harm and coercive behaviour toward the children but nothing deemed significant enough to warrant a change in the order.
DD1 (now 11) had her ears pierced just before age 10. Parent A did this without seeking my approval and prevented me from attending to watch.

AIBU?
DD2 (9) was gifted a voucher from me to get ears pierced for Christmas. She told Parent A on Xmas day. Parent A did not reach out to me with any concern. However I heard from DD2 on her return that Parent A said to her on Xmas day “no that’s not ok, it’s my job to take you and I was going to take you in the summer”.

I then emailed Parent A inviting them to come and watch and reminded them to communicate any issues directly to me rather than through the children. They responded to say that if DD2 comes back with her ears pierced then they will ‘punish her’ and will remove the earrings. That she needs to be 10 (October) before she is allowed however they have told DD2 that they will compromise at July (without consulting me).

I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical and DD2 was super excited if not a little fearful of Parent A’s response. There is no disagreement re DD2 being allowed her ears pierced, it is a question of 6 months. At which point I know full well they will take her without me per DD1 and is simply a way to prevent me from taking her.

What next?
I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care. I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision for the sake of 6 months and I am genuinely concerned as to how they plan to ‘punish’ her.

Whilst I understand I could have avoided this by not getting the ears pierced. I don’t feel that it is right to threaten to harm your daughter in order to control a situation.

It is understood that both parents should have a say in these matters - this is exactly how I would like to coparent. But the respect is unfortunately never reciprocated. By way of example, if I tell Parent A what I plan to gift the children to avoid duplicating; they will then go and gift it first. Agreements are made and then they are swiftly overturned as soon as they got what they wanted; leaving me without my side of the agreement.

So AIBU and what would you do next? Allow daughter’s return to Parent A knowing she will be ‘punished’ and the earrings removed? Or insist there needs to be confirmation of no punishment and no removal of earrings.

This is childish and both parents are being ridiculous.
Why do both parents need to be there to watch? It's not an exciting event. It's not a big deal.
Both children wanted to have their ears pierced and now both have had them done and that's it. Why all the fuss and drama about something so simple?

The gift of the ear-piercing voucher does sound like revenge on the other parent for them getting DD1's ears pierced.

You both need to grow up and not behave like this in future.

Good God this is all very tit for tat. 🙄

I hate to tell you this, but getting your ears pierced is absolutely NOT an exciting moment!!!

I wish I had a Time Machine. I would then go back and send engraved invitations, pick a special outfit, choose the perfect location, pay for a photographer and have the perfect ambient music for getting my ears pierced.

Feel like I really missed out now.. could this be the cause of any issues I have had in my adult life for not doing this?

Is this a cultural thing? because tbh i don't think children that young need to get their ears pierced, and they certainly don't need Parents A and B to be there

the "Parent A" "Parent B" bullshit way of writing your posts is making me irrationally cross.

Have you taken on board ANY of the "put your children first" advice? or are you still keen for us all to agree with you?

Both parents need to grow the fuck up. Weaponising children is emotional abuse.

This is a crazy story. These poor kids.

I dont think this is about ear piercing,its about control and domination ,with both parents wanting to be in charge rather than co parenting. Its very sad, especially for the children.
Grow up the pair of you and co operate in parenting decisions in future ,because this issue will repeat itself X1000 and your children will suffer.

You’re so petty, looking for trouble. Put the kids first.

No it’s not you fool! Also, you’ve only had DD2s ears pierces to get your own back on your ex. IMO, children should not get their ears pierced until the end of year 6 - your DD will have all sorts of hassle when she goes back to school next week. Great parenting!

You both sound weird and dramatic. Poor kids.

Insufferable point scoring. Grow up.

Ear piercing is not an exciting moment FFS. It takes 15 mins in the town centre.

Those poor children. They will realise in time that they have just been used as pawns between two parents who were too immature to have children.

Given that an OP will, inevitably and understandably, try to make themselves sound as reasonable as possible, it’s quite an achievement that you have made yourself sound every bit as bad as the parent you claim is abusive

Both parents are acting like ridiculous children trying to one up each other.

Don’t use your children for game playing with each other, it’s really shitty for the children. There are obviously some ego/power issues on both sides and it’s a toxic way to raise children.

Those poor kids won’t stay kids for long and as soon as they can no doubt they will bin the pair of you.

Beat me to it.

You made unecessary holes in your 9 year old child to prove a point, shitty parenting IMO

As they get older, your children will learn to keep the peace by keeping both parents out of the loop as much as possible.

Fucking hell - the pair of you need to grow up and stop this silly behaviour. As for both being present when earrings are put into earlobes - don't be so ridiculous.

I think that your DDS are going to grow up and refuse to see either of their parents if you both continue like this. If your ex-partner is a nightmare, you need to find a way to rise above them and greyrock their nonsense. Parents who constantly fight damage their children. When they are 18 you want them to choose to see you rather than trying their best to minimise contact.

Dh is a really loving and involved father (still happily married) he did not give two hoots about ear piercing for either dd I took them myself he didn’t come along. It’s not a thing. You are clearly just using it as the next battle in the pathetic war you seem to have waged with each other.

You both sound ridiculous