Background:
Court ordered 50:50 shared living arrangement for two DD. Parent A has long history of emotional harm and coercive behaviour toward the children but nothing deemed significant enough to warrant a change in the order.
DD1 (now 11) had her ears pierced just before age 10. Parent A did this without seeking my approval and prevented me from attending to watch.
AIBU?
DD2 (9) was gifted a voucher from me to get ears pierced for Christmas. She told Parent A on Xmas day. Parent A did not reach out to me with any concern. However I heard from DD2 on her return that Parent A said to her on Xmas day “no that’s not ok, it’s my job to take you and I was going to take you in the summer”.
I then emailed Parent A inviting them to come and watch and reminded them to communicate any issues directly to me rather than through the children. They responded to say that if DD2 comes back with her ears pierced then they will ‘punish her’ and will remove the earrings. That she needs to be 10 (October) before she is allowed however they have told DD2 that they will compromise at July (without consulting me).
I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical and DD2 was super excited if not a little fearful of Parent A’s response. There is no disagreement re DD2 being allowed her ears pierced, it is a question of 6 months. At which point I know full well they will take her without me per DD1 and is simply a way to prevent me from taking her.
What next?
I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care. I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision for the sake of 6 months and I am genuinely concerned as to how they plan to ‘punish’ her.
Whilst I understand I could have avoided this by not getting the ears pierced. I don’t feel that it is right to threaten to harm your daughter in order to control a situation.
It is understood that both parents should have a say in these matters - this is exactly how I would like to coparent. But the respect is unfortunately never reciprocated. By way of example, if I tell Parent A what I plan to gift the children to avoid duplicating; they will then go and gift it first. Agreements are made and then they are swiftly overturned as soon as they got what they wanted; leaving me without my side of the agreement.
So AIBU and what would you do next? Allow daughter’s return to Parent A knowing she will be ‘punished’ and the earrings removed? Or insist there needs to be confirmation of no punishment and no removal of earrings.