Ear Piercing Disagreement AIBU?

[NekcihcT2b]

Background:
Court ordered 50:50 shared living arrangement for two DD. Parent A has long history of emotional harm and coercive behaviour toward the children but nothing deemed significant enough to warrant a change in the order.
DD1 (now 11) had her ears pierced just before age 10. Parent A did this without seeking my approval and prevented me from attending to watch.

AIBU?
DD2 (9) was gifted a voucher from me to get ears pierced for Christmas. She told Parent A on Xmas day. Parent A did not reach out to me with any concern. However I heard from DD2 on her return that Parent A said to her on Xmas day “no that’s not ok, it’s my job to take you and I was going to take you in the summer”.

I then emailed Parent A inviting them to come and watch and reminded them to communicate any issues directly to me rather than through the children. They responded to say that if DD2 comes back with her ears pierced then they will ‘punish her’ and will remove the earrings. That she needs to be 10 (October) before she is allowed however they have told DD2 that they will compromise at July (without consulting me).

I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical and DD2 was super excited if not a little fearful of Parent A’s response. There is no disagreement re DD2 being allowed her ears pierced, it is a question of 6 months. At which point I know full well they will take her without me per DD1 and is simply a way to prevent me from taking her.

What next?
I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care. I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision for the sake of 6 months and I am genuinely concerned as to how they plan to ‘punish’ her.

Whilst I understand I could have avoided this by not getting the ears pierced. I don’t feel that it is right to threaten to harm your daughter in order to control a situation.

It is understood that both parents should have a say in these matters - this is exactly how I would like to coparent. But the respect is unfortunately never reciprocated. By way of example, if I tell Parent A what I plan to gift the children to avoid duplicating; they will then go and gift it first. Agreements are made and then they are swiftly overturned as soon as they got what they wanted; leaving me without my side of the agreement.

So AIBU and what would you do next? Allow daughter’s return to Parent A knowing she will be ‘punished’ and the earrings removed? Or insist there needs to be confirmation of no punishment and no removal of earrings.

Poor bloody kids growing up with all of this point scoring madness.

Saying that a child getting their ears pierced is an event is bollocks. You have said that to make a point and in my opinion it’s made you look controlling.

It is also completely transparent that the poor nine year old has now been made into a human sacrifice by being manipulated in to having her ears pierced in the Christmas holiday when she’s nine. Just getting in there first. Now she has to go back to schools with earrings she can’t remove.

Your children are growing up in a toxic environment and will probably slope off with the nearest person who shows them a bit of kindness.

You are doing a terrible job.

It sounds like you’re deliberately seeking conflict by having them pierced now when it could have waited 6 months and then you both would have been in agreement. Also it is loads better to have them done at the start of the summer holidays so they can fully heal before DD needs to contend with PE and taping or removing them. And it’s not a spectator sport that requires an audience, why would the other parent need to be invited to watch? It really seems like you’re trying to cause drama.

But as for the other parent removing them- I have a hard enough time changing my 8YOs earrings at her request. I seriously doubt they could remove her earrings if she doesn’t cooperate with it unless you think they’re capable of pinning her down and ripping them out.

It’s not an ‘exciting moment’, that’s ridiculous. The pair of you sound childish and toxic. At least one of you needs to step back from using your daughters as ammunition, try modelling decent behaviour rather perpetuating conflict.
How on earth do you think your poor daughters feel and what do you think they will say about these episodes when they look back as adults? Parenting is about caring for your child and putting them before playing stupid games with your ex.
God, people are so depressing sometimes

So your adult decisions have made a childs exciting day turn to worry? Turning something good into bad feelings?

Both of you need to grow up! It also feels like your gift was more of a revenge tactic, even if not a conscious one.
toxic parenting strikes again!

I agree you both need to grow up and stop using your DC to get at each other.

Ear piercing does not need both parents to watch.

Both of you sound toxic.

very weird you want it to be a “family event”. It’s really not that important

possibly some of parent a’s justification is that it’s a good idea to have it down at the beginning of the school holidays, which makes perfect sense to me. At schools round here earrings are just not allowed so all the girls get them done in late July.

How about one of you puts your child first rather then a scoreboard? Grow up.

And ear piercing is not a spectator sport ffs

You’re both being ridiculous.

you're supposed to love your child more than you hate your ex @NekcihcT2b

Using your child to "score points" against parent A is a form of parental alienation which is both damaging and emotionally harmful for your daughter.

"I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical

I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care.

I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision"

Do you hear yourself @NekcihcT2b what is abhorrent is that you both have zero compunction in maliciously parenting your daughter to flex.

Do better fgs, your poor daughter.

This kind of pathetic power/control play between the parents is nothing to do with a little girl’s ear piercing and all about the parents’ failure to cooperate with each other in parenting their children properly. They should both grow up and start thinking about what’s in the kids’ best interests, as opposed to how much they hate each other.

I understand many of the comments in that yes I could have told DD2 that Parent A will take her instead, when they decide. With DD1 I asked if Parent A would be in agreement to get her ears pierced and we could take her together since it’s something DD1 has been asking about. Parent A then proceeded behind my back. I could see this was going to happen and reassured DD1 to go ahead if Parent A takes her and that I do not need to be there.

In this scenario with DD2 I completely see that I could have done the same to avoid any conflict.

There was a comment from @BookArt55 around setting boundaries and this is about right and agreed it could have been handled differently. Had I messaged Parent A to agree a date and could we both attend, Parent A would have simply proceeded without responding. I probably should have allowed this to unfold.

With regards to revenge tactics, I can see thats how it may look, it’s actually a case of DD2 asking me for ear piercing. Me surprising her with the gift and then Parent A telling DD2 no, it’s Parent A’s job to do it.

As for making it a family event, that’s not the point. DD would have liked both there hence the invite, it also helps to show DDs there is no issue from either side.

The issue now is that the ears are pierced, rightly or wrongly and DD2 is over the moon. I am concerned that Parent A is going to cause harm as punishment.

There is no issue re PE etc as they are allowed to wear tape.

You both sound as bad as each other and totally bonkers. Ear piercing is not a family event that both parents need tickets too. I feel very sorry for the little girl stuck in the middle of this egotistical power game.

Since when was ear piercing a family event ? Good grief , what next ? A family event to buy first sanitary products/ bra/ lipstick ?

Does it really matter who takes them to get ears pierced ?

summer hols is recommended as 6w to heal and learn to look after them - it’s why I took dd8 this summer

I doubt any parents could yank/rip them out an tbh if this might happen you have more issues to contend with and if issues with emotional harm I would be going back to court so that my kids didn’t stay with them

I thought no school allows children to tape their ears anymore due to new Gov guidance?

You are both behaving like children and it’s a ridiculous thing to squabble over.

grow up

I don’t think they do. They need to be removed for PE.

As for making it a family event, that’s not the point. DD would have liked both there hence the invite, it also helps to show DDs there is no issue from either side

Stop being ridiculous @NekcihcT2b . It's clear you don't respect "parent A" so "family events" are not a thing that can happen

You both sound as bad as each other.

Yeah another one not understanding the 'watch' moment with ears pierced. Are we now counting this as yet another 'milestone?'

both parents sound as toxic as each other, and both need to grow the hell up!

Grow up.
Poor kid is now stuck in the middle.

That’s what I got from this.

TBH knowing what happened with DD1, you knew this was a difficult topic so to get your daughter involved and tell her you’ll be getting it from her without consulting the other parent sounds just as toxic to me.

Both of you need to grow up and stop getting your children caught in the middle of your pettiness.

You both sound pathetic tbh. July would have been much more sensible to have them done and I don’t understand the need to have both parents present either. Poor children.

But there is an issue from the other parent. An entirely predictable one and now you've got a child caught in the animosity between you. You knew all this and went ahead anyway. Was this really the hill to die on? You've created an entirely avoidable situation where now your dd may be punished and you're going to have to deal with the fallout. Much more damaging than waiting 6 months and letting the other parent 'win' this one.

Both parents need to grow the fuck up and consider how this ridiculous tit for tat is affecting their poor child.

There is zero need to do ear piercing together. Your expectations are ridiculous. People are telling you that, but you're not really listening. Stop trying to insert yourself into situations with your ex. You shouldn't have given the voucher. You're causing distress to your children.