Ear Piercing Disagreement AIBU?

[NekcihcT2b]

Background:
Court ordered 50:50 shared living arrangement for two DD. Parent A has long history of emotional harm and coercive behaviour toward the children but nothing deemed significant enough to warrant a change in the order.
DD1 (now 11) had her ears pierced just before age 10. Parent A did this without seeking my approval and prevented me from attending to watch.

AIBU?
DD2 (9) was gifted a voucher from me to get ears pierced for Christmas. She told Parent A on Xmas day. Parent A did not reach out to me with any concern. However I heard from DD2 on her return that Parent A said to her on Xmas day “no that’s not ok, it’s my job to take you and I was going to take you in the summer”.

I then emailed Parent A inviting them to come and watch and reminded them to communicate any issues directly to me rather than through the children. They responded to say that if DD2 comes back with her ears pierced then they will ‘punish her’ and will remove the earrings. That she needs to be 10 (October) before she is allowed however they have told DD2 that they will compromise at July (without consulting me).

I went ahead and got them pierced because quite frankly it is hypocritical and DD2 was super excited if not a little fearful of Parent A’s response. There is no disagreement re DD2 being allowed her ears pierced, it is a question of 6 months. At which point I know full well they will take her without me per DD1 and is simply a way to prevent me from taking her.

What next?
I have now emailed Parent A to say that if they do not confirm that they will not be holding DD2 responsible or punishing her by forcing the removal of her earrings then she will not be returned to their care. I think it is absolutely abhorrent to threaten to punish her due to my parenting decision for the sake of 6 months and I am genuinely concerned as to how they plan to ‘punish’ her.

Whilst I understand I could have avoided this by not getting the ears pierced. I don’t feel that it is right to threaten to harm your daughter in order to control a situation.

It is understood that both parents should have a say in these matters - this is exactly how I would like to coparent. But the respect is unfortunately never reciprocated. By way of example, if I tell Parent A what I plan to gift the children to avoid duplicating; they will then go and gift it first. Agreements are made and then they are swiftly overturned as soon as they got what they wanted; leaving me without my side of the agreement.

So AIBU and what would you do next? Allow daughter’s return to Parent A knowing she will be ‘punished’ and the earrings removed? Or insist there needs to be confirmation of no punishment and no removal of earrings.

Are you a man, @NekcihcT2b ?

You sound controlling.

Who do the kids primarily live with?

You are both more bothered about being in control of a situation than you are about the impact on your children.
Parent As response was awful - but you thought it was worth calling their bluff anyway. Ugh.

Frankly you are both acting like arseholes who are more concerned with getting one over on the other and using your dds as weapons against each other than what is actually in the best interest of the children.

I feel very sorry for your children being stuck in the middle of two narcissists.

It's obvious from your post that you're the dad, which is why you're taking a kicking. You would have done better to have pretended to be the mum rather than the parent a and b stuff.

Might have got some support and decent advice that way!

Your ex sounds like a prize knob btw. Mine did all that 'pipping at the post' with presents and events. Very quickly stopped telling them anything at all!

You are both using your poor child as a weapon. You went out of your way to deliberately cause a problem.

Depends on the schools policy

And I have never, ever, heard of any family treating a child getting their ears pierced as such a special event that both parents need to attend to watch. It’s not a spectator sport. It’s not a wedding or a university graduation ceremony. You’re being totally ridiculous and thinking only of yourself and your one-upmanship games with your ex. In years to come your poor children will remember all this dreadful behaviour from their parents.

I would hazard a guess that the OP is an abusive man whose ex left him. He probably did no parenting until the separation and then fought for 50/50 in order to avoid paying maintenance. He's on a mission to get women to vote that his ex is abusive. Pathetic thread. Pathetic excuse for a parent.

You both sound as bad as each other! I feel sorry for the children caught up in this.

I’ve heard of people weaponising their children but weaponising ear piercing is a new one. You might not of always been like this, but to an outsider it looks like you’re playing a game of tit for tat at the expense of your kids. Both sound unreasonable & unfair on your girls. Also agree with PP about it being a bit strange to want to ‘go and watch’.

Both Parent A and Parent B are dicks.

Would DD really have liked you both there?? I doubt it if this is how you both behave. You’re both being disgraceful parents and you both need to do better. Stop point scoring off each other. Stop using your children to get back at each other. All your doing is damaging them.

In this scenario, I agree with this. It’s all very tit for tat, using the children as pawns, from both sides.

Actually, no. Whilst I agree that men get a hard time here, OP’s behaviour here was petty and he dragged his daughter into a ridiculous dispute with his ex just to get one over on her because she didn’t involve him when their first daughter got ears pierced.

You both sound quite mad. Why would parents both need to go and watch wars being pierced? When my daughter got hers pierced, it was 2 ladies doing the piercings so they could be done at the same time. Also me in the room. If I added her dad into the mix too, the room would be very full of adults and probably end up being a bit overwhelming.

An exciting moment - now I have heard everything.

This

So @NekcihcT2b, your coparenting relationship is high conflict and not conducive to both being civil and in the same room at the same time. Both being their for ear piercing isn't an option, your ex has made that clear.
So now you need to decide, what is it your daughter truly wants. Does she want her ears pierced qith one parent present and to enjoy them? Or to have only one parent present abd for their to be conflict that she thinks she has caused (she didn't, the adults did)?
If you were truly child focused, you would have prioritised your child. You could have got the voucher so you felt involved, but then the other parent coukd have taken her and your daughter would have been happy. Instead, it appears you prioritised what you wanted over your daughter's wellbeing. At the end of the day, you can't change your ex's behaviours, and I believe your ex is correct with one thing- for the sake of your kids the two of you should never be in the same room together unless it's a large school function where you don't sit near each other. You can't change your ex, you can only manage your actions and reactions, that is how you put in boundaries, with the priority always being your children. And yes, that means you don't get to do all the firsts, you do miss out on things, but if that means my kids get a great experience then I have to do that and when I listen to them telling me all about it I know they wouldn't have had that experience if I had pushed my wants first.
Time for a rethink. Your children only get one childhood, don't spend it at war qith your ex.

You’re both appalling to be honest.

Does anyone else think this reminds them of the South Park episode abiut Meghan and Harry? They basically did a worldwide ‘respect our privacy tour’ and the hypocrisy was delicious.

The OP is very you can’t do anything without consulting me or going through the kids but then does something that will have a direct negative effect for her child. I’m going to do something I know you won’t agree with and we aren’t having a conversation but it’s fine because I texted you.

Classic putting yourself before the child here and involving them in your arguments. Parenting and person fail.

Your OP was much longer than necessary and mum and dad, them and me would have been sufficient.

Ridiculous.

You both sound toxic in the way you communicate. Poor child.

Pick your battles - this really is not a hill on which you should choose to die.

Having said that I think you are both unreasonable - the child is not old enough to fully consent.

You are completely out of order. You have put your daughter in to the middle of an argument with your ex. The poor child.