SAHM divorcing a high earner - experiences?

[Ifonly33]

Contemplating divorcing DH. 6 years of infidelity.

We decided together that I would be a SAHM, his job requires long hours but pays well (salary around £500k, likely to increase significantly in the next few years). Important to add (before someone comes along to start SAHM bashing), I very much wanted to stay home with the children, I have treasured the time with them despite how tough and lonely it can be. I believe we made the best choice for our family.

Married 8 years, with 2 DC. I am hopeful we can remain amicable, despite being a shit husband, he is a good father and cares deeply for his children (with the obvious exception of cheating).

Our assets are relatively small in comparison to his earnings but it could be financially possible for me to stay in the family home with DC, minimising the change to school and home life.

Spousal maintenance - I understand that this is a rare now but considering his earnings and my situation, is that up for discussion? 8 years is not that long. But SM for a period would allow me to find suitable employment. I say suitable because his job is so demanding that I would still be the primary carer, any job I take would need to fit around the children’s lives. We could put them into wraparound care 5 days a week but he is strongly against that (as am I). He still wants me to be a ‘hands on’ (for lack of a better term) Mum, so if he wants that and earns that much money then surely he will need to make up for the shortfall in my earning potential?

At what point should I be finding a job? I read on a thread here that you should wait until the divorce is finalised because it could negatively impact the settlement.

How old are the children?

All divorces are no fault divorces now, so his cheating will have no impact on how things are worked out. I imagine because of the break you’ve taken to look after the children, hopefully you’ll be entitled to some sort of recompense when assets are being divided. From what I understand, it’s very rare nowadays for spousal maintenance to be granted. I imagine you’ll be expected to find work as soon as possible- he won’t be expected to enable you to stay at home. If I was you, I’d focus on trying to ensure the divorce houses you adequately- possibly staying in family home- and that he pays decent maintenance. But I think you should look for a job - one that hopefully will allow you to still be the more “hands on” parent, as it’s what both you and your husband want.

You need a SHL. My divorce started amicably and ended in a shit show so things change especially when it comes to money.

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• Family solicitor websites
• gather all financial documentation
• see a SHL

You need a good lawyer but on that salary with young children you will have a strong case for spousal support. Most of my divorced friends have it. Most of them have also been able to remain in the family home until the youngest child has finished university when it has to be sold. Given your financial circumstances you do need a lawyer with experience of working with people with this level of income to get you the best outcome

You should get quite an impressive amount of Child Maintenance that will help you to work likely part time. Depends on your lifestyle of course.

A job now won’t impact your settlement as any settlement will be based on your earning potential not what you earn now ( or not)

on 500k spousal is absolutely up for discussion, but you’ll also be looking at very large child maintenance payments too

you need to think about what you want. Spousal puts you in his control, he could lose his job etc . Capital is more safe for you . You say assets are low relatively. What assets are there ?

how long would you expect spousal ? Are you also expecting him to pay the mortgage ( if there is one) and bills on your home ?

have you had legal advice?

How are your assets low if he earns £500k pa? That’s highly surprising. Are you sure? Where the heck had the money gone?

Not for one second do i think your assets are low. Think about it - he's had £4 million during your short marriage - where is that money?

Assets probably hidden, not low.

To get the ball rolling you need to know what assets you have. Once you know this, you can make him an offer and see what he says.

You will get so much in child maintenance that you won't need to work. Go to the cms database and you will see.

His salary only increased to £500k this year. When we married he was on £90k, that was 8 years ago. It has steadily increased, he is extremely ambitious and working in a high paying industry.

So assets probably £400k savings, £350k equity in the house. But yes I am trusting that we have £400k savings and not more, considering he lied to me for 6 years he is capable of lying about money too.

Not sought legal advice yet. Will do after Christmas. I don’t think this is a local solicitor type job though, need someone experienced with a high earner?

I do not have a lavish lifestyle, I consider a weekly cleaner, hair coloured every 3 months, therapy (due to his behaviour) to be my luxuries.

What I want out of this is to stay in the family home with the children, which prioritises their well-being during the split. And the time to find the right job. This would mean him paying my mortgage (as part of CM i suppose?), because I doubt I’d be able to buy him out of the home and be mortgage free (I’d obviously prefer this).

DC are 6 and 4.

thanks for all of your replies, I’m starting to have a better idea of my position now. I’m still in disbelief that I’m in this situation, it feels unreal right now.

Child maintenance through the system is capped at well below the ex's earnings. She can get more through the courts potentially, but that can be reviewed after 12 months.

But no, she isn't going to get enough through CMS to not work.

I bet his pension pot is huge….. that’s part of marital assets too!!

well half of it will have gone in tax. And most people on that sort of money don’t have stable incomes. If as OP says (admittedly after your post) he was on 90k at the beginning of their marriage and is now on £500k, then assuming he gradually worked up to 500k cumulative post-tax marital earnings have been about £1.4m. So £750k total assets today sounds pretty plausible. That implies about a 50% savings rate.

Assets probably hidden, not low.

Definitely this. Get a good solicitor who will be able to find where he has stashed the money earned during your marriage

However amicable it is now don’t think that it will continue like that. Even if he has the best of intentions any future partner he has may not.

You are going to be more than fine. Have a lovely Christmas and instruct a lawyer asap. I’m going through it now. It’s a long process but believe me, you will be taken care of and that’s a fact. Plus you’ll be able to sleep soundly knowing that nobody is cheating on you. Wishing you all the best.

What is the house actually worth and how big is your mortgage?
With 400K savings and 350K equity you’d straight away be likely given £375K in a financial settlement, plus a share of his pension. On top of that, if your Dc stay with him 1 night a week you’d be entitled to £1600 CM monthly. Add to that a possible monthly salary of £1500 then you’d likely earn enough for a reasonable mortgage.

So assets probably £400k savings, £350k equity in the house

Pensions?

If he wants the split too and he’s a good dad plus fair the best option is an amicable split with a private maintenance agreement. Depending on the size of your mortgage it may not work staying in the same house long term but it’s all about what he offers - the law will not be giving you that much, 60% or assets perhaps a bit more and you would be expected to maximise income, spousal is usually time limited. If he wants to be with his mistress and doesn’t want any fuss, play on this to get a good private agreement and either agree to sell in x years or the mortgage payment forms part of your spousal perhaps.

be prepared though to need to downsize, it’s rare to keep the same standard of living when you divorce

The Op said he earned 90K when they first married, so assuming a gradual increase over 8 years to get to £500k now that’s not going to total £4million. Plus, that’s his gross income. Net will be much lower. A salary of £500k with a 10% pension contribution will bring in a net income of £280k. Assuming total annual spending of £100k that would leave £180k. Over 8 years with the tapers increase in salary they’re likely to have only saved the £400k the OP believes.
If he had been earning £500k for 8 years his net income would have been £2.24 million.

If you are on £500k, you take home less than 300k. If you spend, say, £150k a year on living (easy to do, especially with a mortgage), you can save £150k a year, so it still takes a while to get rich.

As someone said, you need a good lawyer. I suspect you will get limited spousal and the lion’s share of the assets.

However, in a divorce, you split the fruits of the marriage. It’s not a claim on future wealth (except in a very limited sense). After all, he could lose his job tomorrow.

So, you will be expected to maximise your own earning power.

This kind of divorce can get very messy if you both have very different expectations, so I advise you to think about what is actually fair and reasonable. He will end up a lot richer than you, and that is not an unfair outcome. But you and your children should have your (reasonable) needs met.

@Ifonly33 I PM'd you my experience of divorcing from a high earning H as SAHM....

To everyone asking about pensions: on £500k salary his pension contributions are legally limited to £10k pa. Until a couple of years ago it was £3k. So pension assets are likely to be fairly modest.

Your calculation is almost exactly mine! I agree. 750k is pretty much bang on.