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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

SAHM divorcing a high earner - experiences?

105 replies

Ifonly33 · 09/12/2025 19:45

Contemplating divorcing DH. 6 years of infidelity.

We decided together that I would be a SAHM, his job requires long hours but pays well (salary around £500k, likely to increase significantly in the next few years). Important to add (before someone comes along to start SAHM bashing), I very much wanted to stay home with the children, I have treasured the time with them despite how tough and lonely it can be. I believe we made the best choice for our family.

Married 8 years, with 2 DC. I am hopeful we can remain amicable, despite being a shit husband, he is a good father and cares deeply for his children (with the obvious exception of cheating).

Our assets are relatively small in comparison to his earnings but it could be financially possible for me to stay in the family home with DC, minimising the change to school and home life.

Spousal maintenance - I understand that this is a rare now but considering his earnings and my situation, is that up for discussion? 8 years is not that long. But SM for a period would allow me to find suitable employment. I say suitable because his job is so demanding that I would still be the primary carer, any job I take would need to fit around the children’s lives. We could put them into wraparound care 5 days a week but he is strongly against that (as am I). He still wants me to be a ‘hands on’ (for lack of a better term) Mum, so if he wants that and earns that much money then surely he will need to make up for the shortfall in my earning potential?

At what point should I be finding a job? I read on a thread here that you should wait until the divorce is finalised because it could negatively impact the settlement.

OP posts:
bumptybum · 10/12/2025 14:02

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2025 13:09

What is the house actually worth and how big is your mortgage?
With 400K savings and 350K equity you’d straight away be likely given £375K in a financial settlement, plus a share of his pension. On top of that, if your Dc stay with him 1 night a week you’d be entitled to £1600 CM monthly. Add to that a possible monthly salary of £1500 then you’d likely earn enough for a reasonable mortgage.

There would be more of a share going to Op as she has to build up her earning potential. The courts absolutely take that into account. They will also take into account where the dc will live

BuckwheatBlini · 10/12/2025 14:05

AlastheDaffodils · 10/12/2025 13:48

To everyone asking about pensions: on £500k salary his pension contributions are legally limited to £10k pa. Until a couple of years ago it was £3k. So pension assets are likely to be fairly modest.

This isn’t correct - you can put as much as you want into a pension, it just won’t all be tax deductible.

PollyPlumPeach · 10/12/2025 14:06

AlastheDaffodils · 10/12/2025 13:48

To everyone asking about pensions: on £500k salary his pension contributions are legally limited to £10k pa. Until a couple of years ago it was £3k. So pension assets are likely to be fairly modest.

His pension contributions are not legally limited to £10k. £10k is just the limit to how much he can put in and still get the tax advantages. He can put in more than £10k into pensions but would not get any tax relief on the amount over £10k

AllJoyAndNoFun · 10/12/2025 14:07

PollyPlumPeach · 10/12/2025 14:06

His pension contributions are not legally limited to £10k. £10k is just the limit to how much he can put in and still get the tax advantages. He can put in more than £10k into pensions but would not get any tax relief on the amount over £10k

Show quote history

right, but that means he is unlikely to have done it. Why would you? If there's no tax advantage you'd invest the money in a more flexible vehicle.

Popcorn76 · 10/12/2025 14:13

AllJoyAndNoFun · 10/12/2025 14:07

right, but that means he is unlikely to have done it. Why would you? If there's no tax advantage you'd invest the money in a more flexible vehicle.

Show quote history

His income has only recently gone up to £500k, he started on 90k which would not be affected by the tapering and could earn up to £260k without being affected. In addition he can carry forward up to 3 years of pension contributions so it is likely he will have a substantial pension by now if he has made any effort to reduce his tax bill.

HoppityBun · 10/12/2025 14:17

Get a good solicitor, OP. You need a high-end Solicitor who is used to dealing with the type of finances that your family has.

The work that you have to do, thoroughly and urgently, is to work out how you will earn your living in the long-term and what training you need to do to get there. Be realistic, look at your qualifications, look at qualifications you need, look at the time it takes to get them under the cost and at what your potential earnings could be. This will allow your solicitor to negotiate that Into the outcome. Investigate how and at what stage in your children’s lives, you would be able to train.

Make sure that you have every scrap of evidence you can get about your husband‘s assets and bank accounts that you aren’t a signatory to. I’m not saying that he would withhold information about this but it is a requirement that he gives full disclosure and there are many, many husbands who try to avoid doing that.

summitfever · 10/12/2025 14:25

Don’t fixate on staying in that house. Take your settlement and buy yourself something nice that you won’t have a mortgage on. A move takes a weekend and kids settle quick. That way you cut ties from the prick. Take a car, your half of the assets (you’ll be minted) then with no mortgage you’ll be ok on his maintenance until you find a job. Honestly staying in a house long term that’s attached to him will fuck you up. Cut ties as much as possible. He’s being
nice now but that won’t last once he realises how much you’re entitied to, which could well be even more than 50% given you’re a sahm. Don’t forget your future earnings are stunted too.

Original poster
Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 16:33

bumptybum · 10/12/2025 14:00

Your calculation is almost exactly mine! I agree. 750k is pretty much bang on.

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Yep you two have this bang on. Excellent calculations!

As for his pension, I actually have no idea about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 16:35

HoppityBun · 10/12/2025 14:17

Get a good solicitor, OP. You need a high-end Solicitor who is used to dealing with the type of finances that your family has.

The work that you have to do, thoroughly and urgently, is to work out how you will earn your living in the long-term and what training you need to do to get there. Be realistic, look at your qualifications, look at qualifications you need, look at the time it takes to get them under the cost and at what your potential earnings could be. This will allow your solicitor to negotiate that Into the outcome. Investigate how and at what stage in your children’s lives, you would be able to train.

Make sure that you have every scrap of evidence you can get about your husband‘s assets and bank accounts that you aren’t a signatory to. I’m not saying that he would withhold information about this but it is a requirement that he gives full disclosure and there are many, many husbands who try to avoid doing that.

This is very wise advice, I need to think this through very carefully. Thank you for commenting

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 16:43

Bythewayimgoingouttonight · 10/12/2025 13:09

You are going to be more than fine. Have a lovely Christmas and instruct a lawyer asap. I’m going through it now. It’s a long process but believe me, you will be taken care of and that’s a fact. Plus you’ll be able to sleep soundly knowing that nobody is cheating on you. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for such a kind message, I am sorry to hear you are going through this too. The future looks so uncertain right now but what I am certain about is staying with someone who has treated me this way is not an option.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 10/12/2025 16:51

I think you need to do your homework before you make a move.

  1. Top tier lawyer you need someone good and experienced in high net worth.
  2. Career Dont start work. Start working out in detail what you want to do as a career and male a full plan... what you'd do, where you'd study, Would your new home need a studio or extra room so you could work from home if you were osteopath / mail or lash tech / therapist )
  3. Get an overview on savings and pensions including making sure you have all your state pension credits for the year you were a SAHM. If you dont sort it now amd get him to pay them.. get copies of all financial records you can efen if you jist take photos on your phone.
  4. Research homes and running costs. Your current home likely isn't practical and will feel like a mill stone in 5 years (running costs maintanance) get a feel for what you could get mortgage free or with a small mortgage.
  5. The kids assets If you dont already have them maxed...I'd say it worth getting some cash tucked away in JISAs and JSIPPs now (get in on this tax year and then again next april). You might think he "loves the kids" and would never do X... a decade and a new wife and family later and you'd be surprised... I'd be looking to lock a few quid in for them now just in case

I would be willing to play the long game to come out on top.
My perspective would be he's been cheating for 6 years a few months is neither here nor there.
Limp through christmas, get things in order amd then get moving

You will be fine
Good luck...!

Nightlight8 · 10/12/2025 16:54

arcticpandas · 10/12/2025 10:21

You will get so much in child maintenance that you won't need to work. Go to the cms database and you will see.

I think OP should work tbh even if it's 2 days a week or something. CMS are pretty useless although on that salary I think the courts would have to decide the amount of CMS. However if he could go self employed OP would get sweet AF so I wouldn't bank on that alone.

Enrichetta · 10/12/2025 16:58

I’m sure that, in addition to maximising his tax-free pension, he will have used his yearly ISA allowance. Who knows, maybe he even opened ISAs in the OP’s name, and/or junior ISAs for the children.

Not to mention bitcoin investments and the like.

@Ifonly33 - you have some snooping to do…

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2025 16:59

You will be fine lovely.. don’t fixate on the house if that proves difficult -

Beerlzebub · 10/12/2025 17:02

  1. It will not be amicable, OP. Not once he realises he's going to have to give you some money.

  2. Don't forget his pension. You'll be entitled to (I think) half of what he's accrued so far. But IANAL.

  3. Get a divorce solicitor.

  4. Assume your DH will try to hide some of his assets/money.

  5. Once again - it will not be amicable. Do not let the fantasy of that make you settle for less than you are due.

ETA: I see that his pension has been mentioned already. But tbh OP, you don't seem to have much understanding of how pensions and pension contributions work. This is why you need a shit hot solicitor.

Irememberwhenitwasallfieldsroundhere · 10/12/2025 17:06

Beerlzebub · 10/12/2025 17:02

  1. It will not be amicable, OP. Not once he realises he's going to have to give you some money.

  2. Don't forget his pension. You'll be entitled to (I think) half of what he's accrued so far. But IANAL.

  3. Get a divorce solicitor.

  4. Assume your DH will try to hide some of his assets/money.

  5. Once again - it will not be amicable. Do not let the fantasy of that make you settle for less than you are due.

ETA: I see that his pension has been mentioned already. But tbh OP, you don't seem to have much understanding of how pensions and pension contributions work. This is why you need a shit hot solicitor.

Edited

100% this

You need a shit hot solicitor. You need to protect yourself. Especially with another woman on the scene. Nobody here can help you more than excellent legal representation.

Beerlzebub · 10/12/2025 17:10

And don't forget, OP, that you running the home, supporting him and looking after the children has enabled him to increase his salary. These things get taken into consideration now.

You might even have a call on his future earnings.

You need a solicitor.

OhDear111 · 10/12/2025 17:29

@Ifonly33 My DD is a family law matrimonial barrister. She works with couples like you a lot. Obviously I don’t know details of cases but in general, you do need a solicitor that understands about high earners. He will stay earning because no doubt he loves the money and status.

Solicitors dealing with cases like yours are found in expensive areas. Where people have wealth in other words! So where is a wealthy area near you? Also be aware of solicitors promising the earth that isn’t deliverable. A certain degree of pragmatism is useful.

I understand that in many cases you would need to move to a smaller house or a less expensive area. This is because clean break divorces tend to be just that - a clean break from financial obligation for a mortgage. Your DH might be happy to pay for your house but who will own it and when will it be sold? You would be beholden to him after divorce as you are now. Is that ok or not? You need to protect yourself and definitely need good advice.

WiltedLettuce · 10/12/2025 17:29

I would have thought the split of assets would be rather more than 50% in your favour given the sacrifices you've made, lower earning potential and that you'd be doing most of the care for the kids.

Jobs-wise, are both your DC at school? I understand not wanting them in wraparound care 5 days a week, especially if their other parent is fairly hands-off (though this is what many parents have to do), so I'd be looking to retrain/build up qualifications and go back to work at least part-time in a couple of years when the little one is a bit older and things have settled down to a new normal.

Original poster
Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 17:45

Beerlzebub · 10/12/2025 17:02

  1. It will not be amicable, OP. Not once he realises he's going to have to give you some money.

  2. Don't forget his pension. You'll be entitled to (I think) half of what he's accrued so far. But IANAL.

  3. Get a divorce solicitor.

  4. Assume your DH will try to hide some of his assets/money.

  5. Once again - it will not be amicable. Do not let the fantasy of that make you settle for less than you are due.

ETA: I see that his pension has been mentioned already. But tbh OP, you don't seem to have much understanding of how pensions and pension contributions work. This is why you need a shit hot solicitor.

Edited

You are right re pensions, I absolutely need someone guiding me through this. You’re also right about everything else! My aim is to get more clued up on everything, think carefully about my future and find a good solicitor early 2026.

OP posts:
Wolbutter · 10/12/2025 17:50

Have a look at Stowe family law, this is all they do and they are nationwide. Their podcast is good too

Enrichetta · 10/12/2025 17:53

I’m baffled as to why my post has been hidden. All I mentioned was various alternative investments OP’s husband may have made in addition to his pension contributions…

Enrichetta · 10/12/2025 17:56

Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 17:45

You are right re pensions, I absolutely need someone guiding me through this. You’re also right about everything else! My aim is to get more clued up on everything, think carefully about my future and find a good solicitor early 2026.

Show quote history

Divorce for Dummies is always a good start. If you do your homework, you can literally save thousands in legal fees.

Form E - which both parties have to complete - is also very useful.

But you definitely need a SHL.

OhDear111 · 10/12/2025 18:12

The Legal 500 ranks family law solicitors by area. Stowe is huge and has 90 offices. Others will be good too.

Original poster
Ifonly33 · 10/12/2025 18:18

WiltedLettuce · 10/12/2025 17:29

I would have thought the split of assets would be rather more than 50% in your favour given the sacrifices you've made, lower earning potential and that you'd be doing most of the care for the kids.

Jobs-wise, are both your DC at school? I understand not wanting them in wraparound care 5 days a week, especially if their other parent is fairly hands-off (though this is what many parents have to do), so I'd be looking to retrain/build up qualifications and go back to work at least part-time in a couple of years when the little one is a bit older and things have settled down to a new normal.

Yes this is my plan, both DC at school now (youngest started reception in Sept) so I have already started looking at what my next career move will be in terms of training, experience, skills etc. I was planning to return to work anyway, but now the circumstances are different.

OP posts: