SAHM divorcing a high earner - experiences?

[Ifonly33]

Contemplating divorcing DH. 6 years of infidelity.

We decided together that I would be a SAHM, his job requires long hours but pays well (salary around £500k, likely to increase significantly in the next few years). Important to add (before someone comes along to start SAHM bashing), I very much wanted to stay home with the children, I have treasured the time with them despite how tough and lonely it can be. I believe we made the best choice for our family.

Married 8 years, with 2 DC. I am hopeful we can remain amicable, despite being a shit husband, he is a good father and cares deeply for his children (with the obvious exception of cheating).

Our assets are relatively small in comparison to his earnings but it could be financially possible for me to stay in the family home with DC, minimising the change to school and home life.

Spousal maintenance - I understand that this is a rare now but considering his earnings and my situation, is that up for discussion? 8 years is not that long. But SM for a period would allow me to find suitable employment. I say suitable because his job is so demanding that I would still be the primary carer, any job I take would need to fit around the children’s lives. We could put them into wraparound care 5 days a week but he is strongly against that (as am I). He still wants me to be a ‘hands on’ (for lack of a better term) Mum, so if he wants that and earns that much money then surely he will need to make up for the shortfall in my earning potential?

At what point should I be finding a job? I read on a thread here that you should wait until the divorce is finalised because it could negatively impact the settlement.

A few posters mentioning my fixation on the house. Thinking more on this, I suppose I would like to stay in the home short term to minimise impact on the children. That said, it is not a huge house and pretty cost efficient to run. But longer term (when DC are secondary school age) it is highly likely we would leave London to be closer to family and better schools.

OP - you do need to think about housing and your needs. And also remember - once you are divorced and have an established routine with co-parenting and kids going between yours and future exH's houses you will NOT be able to easily move areas. For example - it won't be easy to move out of London to be closer to your family - if H doesn't also move or agrees to move. And generally he'll be unlikely to agree. And also - your elder child will be at secondary age sooner, and once he starts you'll most likely not want him to change.

I had not thought that far ahead, thank you this is also important for me to consider carefully.

What amazes me sometimes is that divorce these days are being planned with pros and cons in mind - financially. Sounds like most of the divorces happens after the kids grow and here I go for claiming the payout.
if his job requires odd times and pays more that 500k, he is doing his bit, going out working hard, the least one can do is be there to support him and your children, coz once you divorce and you may not get the finance that you want the lifestyle you may have now will never be the same.
good luck

He's also shagging around. Did you miss that bit?

You've had (mostly!) great advice @Ifonly33 and it's clear you're taking it on board. If he's making a big show of being reasonable, splitting everything 50/50 etc and he hasn't mentioned his pension, then he fully intends to rip you off. I bet he's said you can sort this out without solicitors. I would book in with the best solicitor you can find ASAP even if the appointment is in January. If he's savvy and sneaky he will talk to the best solicitors so that if you try to instruct them, they will have to decline due to conflict of interest. Wishing you all the best 💐

Re his pension, OP. It's likely to be worth a few hundred thousand pounds by now.

There's not enough info here.
Is his industry 'safe?'
What can you do for a job and what does it pay?
If you do school hours what is the difference between that and having wraparound care?
Can you do part time?
What is your house worth Vs the 350 equity?
Where do you live ? (London Vs North east varies massively).
Who do you have for local support?
Are you doing private school or expecting to?
He is absolutely going to get nasty at some point lovely. Get some female tigers to support you!!

ah.sorry indeed. grrr.

@bigboykitty There’s quite a lot of high class solicitors in the Legal 500! He cannot talk to all of them. That’s impossible. His pension has to be declared but if he’s only been a high earner recently, it might not be worth £1/2 million yet.

Why is that something you find strange?
For example - when I was married to my now exH - I gave up my career to raise our kids. We both worked in high earning and intense jobs - and knew that either our kids would be raised by nannies, or I take a step back.
Fast forward 10+ years of marriage and our marriage is not working. But - we have small kids, and I have no way of getting back to the sort of job I used to have - after a long career break. Kids are happy and have a secure home and routine. So - my choice at the time is to chose to prioritise myself - or stick it out for loer to the kids have stability of a two-parent household for as long as I can stick it out.

When I did divorce - it did not demand the "pay out". I asked and received my fair share of our family assets. While married - I did my share of duties, he did his. I raised our kids and made it possible for exH to focus on his career without any need to compromise anything for childcare, etc.

So - of course divorce is not just an emotional decision when there are kids involved. It is a financial decision - there are + and -. You have to consider what sort of life you'll have after, and how you will be able to raise your kids. And what sort of life you'll have - will you actually be happier.
For eg - when women come on here saying - H doesn't pull his weight with kids, I want to divorce.... I often say - sure, as long as you realise that when you on your own, you'll be doing 100% and more, more often than not. And most likely in a smaller house, and with less income available.

Op just be aware that support for kids can end at 18. He might choose to support them at uni etc or he might not. Make sure you plan ahead and don’t assume he any of your best interests at heart - sorry.

Very good point.

as for “When I did divorce - it did not demand the "pay out". I asked and received my fair share of our family assets”……. What exactly does this mean?

I wouldn’t be too fixed about not wanting to move. A new place might make the divorce easier for the kids rather than harder. It just depends. I’d also think about trying to capitalize on him being agreeable a sit might not last. If you want to move areas he might be more likely to agree now than at a later date.

Indeed. As a PP said, the later the move, the more he can object to it.

Plan to move close to your family and support sooner rather than later, OP! Before he figures out what you're doing, and while you've got a good legal reason for doing it.

ETA: And also, your children won't be living in your "family home" without their father there. It will be a new start for them, and kids are very adaptable.

Does he know you know?

The poster I was responding to made it sound as if women who divorce after kids are older are demanding some unfair "payout".
All I am saying is that I disagree with seeing the asset division after divorce as "pay-out" to the parent to stayed at home and didn't earn. Marriage is a financial arrangement - and is designed to combine financial and non-financial contribution and values both equally. Hence - the finances are divided equally(ish) to reflect both types of contributions.

Divorces don't work like that. OP does NOT have any legal reason to move away closer to her parents when filing for divorce if her H doesn't agree . And, her H would be not likely to support such move, especially if he will be blindsided by her filing for divorce, and angry about splitting assets and paying maintenance.
Not many divorces manage to go through financial negotiations staying amicable...

People think spousal maintenance is rare because the most common solution nowadays is a “clean break” instead (a lump sum upfront in place of spousal support) but that clean break is in addition to splitting assets 50/50 and can be a very large number in some cases. You need a good lawyer with high earner experience asap (I would not wait till after Xmas). Your legal fees should usually be paid by him as well.

Yes. I know it won't be amicable. I covered that earlier in the thread.

If her "D"H has been shagging around, and maybe has a sidepiece, he won't want the children 50/50. Also, he would need to employ an expensive nanny or two to facilitate that. Which, let's face it, he's unlikely to do. So OP has reason to move closer to her support network, while the children are young and irritating and expensive (to the "D"H).

ETA: If he wants to sell the house, in order to liquidate some money, that is even more the point at which OP makes plans to move closer to her family network.

Even if the H won't want the kids 50/50 - he'll want to have them a few days each week. And kids are settled at schools, and H has his job.
OP will need to start showing attempts to start getting towards employment, etc.

None of that is going to support the need to move to the countryside and to take the kids away from their father. And potentially make them spend hours in a car being shipped between houses.

And H doesn't even need to actually go for 50/50 - financial side of divorce is settled separately from child arrangements. In my divorce during FDR (negotiations re financial split) - the split of time was not discussed. Both parties were assumed to have same housing needs, because even if kids stay with father EOW for the weekend +few days - they need as many rooms in the father's house.

So - no, OP can't claim the need to move closer to her parents for childcare support if H does not agree. And if she does want to move against H's will - she'll have to go to Court over, and unlikely to win.

I didn't say the financial and childcare aspects were connected. I just said that if he wanted 50/50, he was going to have to stump up for childcare.

OP can claim what she wants to claim for moving. And she can move where she wants to move. It's not like she's going more than about an hour away.

OP is not divorced yet and hasn’t even decided if or when she’ll even start.

Personally - given my experience of a long and difficult divorce - I’d say, don’t rush. Take your time and plan. If he only recently started making a really high salary - I’d possibly consider waiting a little longer so that there is more record of his high earnings.
Do speak to a solicitor - they can advice on best timing given your specific situation.

If you lived together before marriage - you should be able to include cohabitation.
Longer marriages (over 10 years) give sahp more protection.

Spousal maintenance is still awarded in cases of high earners, but it is usually limited in time and used to help you get to employment. it does tie you to your ex-spouse for longer, and in many ways getting a higher share of assets upfront is actually better.

The one piece of information I wish I had known from the beginning is that he needs to pay for you to have a Lawyer.
I couldn’t afford one so I was told I didn’t get one until we went back for the consent order when the judge was absolutely disgusted and said most of this could’ve been avoided. If you’d have had a lawyer did he blame X for that? No of course that was my fault for not being able to afford it.
Make him pay for a lawyer

The discussion around op moving - in the cases I’ve known it’s the MEN who move and say it’s for work when often it’s linked to where the new partner is