SAHM divorcing a high earner - experiences?

[Ifonly33]

Contemplating divorcing DH. 6 years of infidelity.

We decided together that I would be a SAHM, his job requires long hours but pays well (salary around £500k, likely to increase significantly in the next few years). Important to add (before someone comes along to start SAHM bashing), I very much wanted to stay home with the children, I have treasured the time with them despite how tough and lonely it can be. I believe we made the best choice for our family.

Married 8 years, with 2 DC. I am hopeful we can remain amicable, despite being a shit husband, he is a good father and cares deeply for his children (with the obvious exception of cheating).

Our assets are relatively small in comparison to his earnings but it could be financially possible for me to stay in the family home with DC, minimising the change to school and home life.

Spousal maintenance - I understand that this is a rare now but considering his earnings and my situation, is that up for discussion? 8 years is not that long. But SM for a period would allow me to find suitable employment. I say suitable because his job is so demanding that I would still be the primary carer, any job I take would need to fit around the children’s lives. We could put them into wraparound care 5 days a week but he is strongly against that (as am I). He still wants me to be a ‘hands on’ (for lack of a better term) Mum, so if he wants that and earns that much money then surely he will need to make up for the shortfall in my earning potential?

At what point should I be finding a job? I read on a thread here that you should wait until the divorce is finalised because it could negatively impact the settlement.

Men earning £1/2 million rarely have dc a few days a week unless they employ help. They aren’t going to do the school run! He’s going to want a weekend or two every so often.

This Dh is high earning but there aren’t substantial assets. They need two homes. Op has no way of providing for herself and dc at the moment. If he wants her to stay at home post divorce, he will have to commit to paying. It’s not usual for men to do that in the cold light of day. That’s why the op needs advice from someone used to this scenario.

Of course the OP can move. Unless he's willing to have the kids full-time, there is no way he can stop her moving.

It is not true, unless you mean OP can move without her children. Moving away without children Is, of course, possible.

Moving a significant distance with the children - specifically a move that would require changing schools and making it harder for the kids to go between parents’ houses on a weekly basis does need to be agreed by both parents.

The other parent does NOT have to be a 100% parent, or even a 50% parent. But if the kids will be spending a few days a week in the other parent house - which is the normal arrangement - such move will not be considered by courts in the kids’ best interests. Kids have a right to a relationship with both parents and this will take priority over mother saying she needs help with childcare.
Father will simply file for Prohibited steps order - and/or Child arrangement order. And he’ll then go for 50/50 and hire a nanny, which the court won’t see as a negative against him.
Yes - to us moms it does not make sense, but this is the reality.

But again - OP is nowhere near this decision atm.

@WiltedLettucehe can get a prohibited steps order to stop the children moving

Except for that way called the law 🤔

What a load of nonsense my ex tried to stop us coming back to the UK from Australia and got told by the court to sit down and behave himself unless he was willing to have 100% custody which finally enough he wasn’t

It is not nonsense. And without knowing your circumstances in Australia and rationale for UK move it’s hard to comment.

But here in the UK family courts - plenty of parents successfully file Prohibited steps orders that prevent the other parent moving away with children from where children are currently settled - either across or outside the UK.

They would only be granted that on the basis that they were going to do the childcare themselves
But in these situations it’s much better to ask for forgiveness than permission. If you don’t require going through passport control that’s what I would’ve done and I had the option.
And it’s what I recommend to anybody else

I have two friends whose parents did what you say you’d have done. Moved countries/continents without the other parent’s consent.
In legal terms - it was abduction, and both other parent had to go via court to return the kids.

The impact on both had been profound and long lasting. Years of therapy, and affected grown up relationships. So - really, abducting children and moving countries isn’t really a solution, unless you are escaping abuse, or smth.

As to agreeing to 100% childcare - I guess if one parent says - I am moving irrespective of the court allowing me to take kids - sure. But in this case - you must be prepared to your ex to call your bluff and say: go ahead, move. Were you prepared to move without the kids @kittywittyandpretty ?

@kittywittyandpretty In the uk parents cannot move miles and miles away and not consider the other parent. What Australia does might be entirely different. If a parent tried to move from London to Scotland, the courts won’t agree. They certainly would not agree to Australia so a parent has no chance of seeing dc grow up.

Given that the Australian laws were written by the UK and actually it’s child Movement laws and child support laws and anything to do with children are so tight you might as well hand the kids over to the state really.
I find it very hard to believe that any judge would prevent a mother from moving miles and miles away if the other parent declined to pick up the slack

Could you wait a couple of years? Until you've settled back in a career.

I was definitely prepared to call his bluff on the matter, yes
Men make a lot of threats when going through divorce and it’s actually mildly amusing when they get in front of a judge who says Jolly Good what are we going to do about that then? And watch them squirm as they admit that actually they can’t fulfil any of them.

Oh they absolutely do, regularly.

You need to see a solicitor yesterday. If he meets someone else in the next few weeks it may change everything.

Completely agree with this. I was in a similar position; I did have an income but it was tiny compared to his (also a £400k plus earner) as I'd gone very part time and freelance after children. Solicitor and I put together what we thought was a reasonable split of assets to compensate for the size of his pension and the disparity in income. He refused any pension transfer, refused any notion of spousal support, refused to pay any more than the legal minimum of child maintenance or put anything aside for our daughter's future. He insisted on a 50:50 split of assets, in which the equity in the house (when sold) would go to me, and he would retain all our joint savings. He then stopped paying the mortgage which has meant I have to or else we default; this alone is three times my salary. Luckily I had a small pot of savings of my own which I've used up to pay legal fees and the mortgage, and the house should be sold in the next month or so.

I was advised that if I took him to court then I would get a much, much better settlement. But his enormous income means he could tie this up for years and I'd need to borrow from my family to pay for it. It's been a nightmare.

Be aware that the child maintenance service will not calculate payments for incomes above £160k. You're expected to agree a top-up amount between you to cover the excess.

This has resulted my entire salary being put towards the costs of housing and raising my daughter. He will be paying in the region of 9% a month of his income.

Not if the other parent goes to court to stop it they don’t.

Often with people like him - going through the motions of going to court - filing, etc. makes them realise that you mean business. And very quicky their solicitors explain to them what would happen. Also - financial disclosure of assets, etc comes very early in the process, which also gives them the kick they need.
But OK - you didn't want to fight and split assets 50/50.

As to the appropriate child maintenance - you can still file for a top-up under Schedule 1 of Children's Act 1989. You don't need to "agree" top up with him - but go through court. This is done to that high earners pay maintenance on all of their income, not just the £160K that CMS takes into account.
If your kids are still small - it's worth doing it now. Your assets are already divided, so he doesn't have any power over you anymore. I'd find a direct access barrister - as it's a cost effective way of doping it and put in an application.

He can't stop the OP moving, only the kids. Unless he wants the kids full-time, he's up a creek without a paddle.

And it was highly amusing watching the judge relay that

I can imagine that it was a bit upsetting for your ex to find that he couldn't force you to stay local to him as his unpaid nanny but he'd have to pull his finger out and look after his kids himself.

Personally - and unless the father was some sort of monster and abused both you and the children - I feel bad for the children in this situation.
I don't know anything about the family setup, or where the kids were born and felt at home. But assuming they were settled in Australia - they would have benefitted from having both parents in their lives, even if the adults didn't get along.

When one parent blackmails the other to get their way - which is what KittyWitty seems to have done - I am not sure it's about the children.
Again - assuming no abuse.

I think folks have missed the op is only thinking about divorce, she’s not decided to leave him at this point.

@Sashya If a parent announced they are going abroad with dc, the parent left behind is very upset and usually tries to stop it. Judges don’t like a parent doing this as, in general, it denies dc having both parents in their lives and is all about vindictive adults. I also don’t see that being a mum is an unpaid nanny as has been asserted. Most mums love dc and do want to be with them. The op can and should share dc with ex. This should be discussed with a solicitor.

If one parent does bugger all for the kids, it's better for the other parent to live where they can get the most support in actually parenting them imo. It sits very ill in the mouth of someone who pays the bare minimum and does an unreliable EOW to say "don't move my kids away".