Adult children taking sides - how to cope

[anotherglass]

Hello, I have instigated a divorce with my emotionally / verbally abusive husband of 26 years. My two sons ( 19 + 22 ). For most of their lives they have witnessed belittling and degrading language from their father towards me. To them it has become normalised. To me, it was damaging and hurtful but I brushed aside for the 'sake of keeping the family together'. Now the father is blaming me for breaking up the family and the sons are siding with him. We are still in the family home but I have been isolated by them. They are socialising together and the youngest, in particular, is being particularly brutal and not speaking to me. I have explained how his Dad's behavoiur towards me impacted me, but he is still sitting with his Dad having a laugh while I'm upset in my room on my own, feeling heartbroken at the prospect of being disowned by my boys. Please help.

I hope you're feeling a bit more hope today OP. My only advice is not make everything about the divorce with your sons, or try and justify your actions at the moment. If you can, just have low-emotional demand interactions and give them the chance to ruminate a bit.

The thing is, even if they don't recognise/acknowledge/agree that your husband is abusive, are they not at all bothered that you are unhappy in the marriage? Hopefully they will come to realise that you are entitled to leave a relationship that doesn't make you happy regardless of their opinions on your husband's behaviour.

That's probably a good thing. They have some work to do on themselves, it appears.

Focus on yourself and get out of that house as soon as possible.

I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation OP and some of the replies you have had are absolutely uncalled for. Unless anyone has been in a domestic abuse relationship they have no idea the strength it takes to leave and should not be saying you should have left sooner as they do not understand the trauma bond they create, if you are without finances, have been isolated and have no support and being torn between breaking up a family or keeping it together. Not to mention the fact you will have been battersd down and probably have very little confidence. I left my marriage last year after 8 years with my abusive husband. First of all...there is no right or wrong answer for how long you have stayed. This should never have happened to you and wether you stayed 1 year or 20 years you were doing your best in a horrible situation. Unfortunately your sons have probably picked up behaviours from their dad and see it as normality and that they aren't now doing anything wrong to you. Their father may also be bad mouthing you and getting them on his side pretending that he is the victim in all of this. It must be terribly upsetting for you. Perhaps once you are away from their dad and you can spend one to one time with them they may see things differently. Have you had any help or support from anyone? I got loads of help from a charity called IDAS, it was group therapy and it was lovely getting support from women who had been through the same as me. I am also currently having counselling and she has been amazing too.

Oh OP women can be so cruel.
Well done you for being brave, for standing up for yourself and making a change.
Keep strong, hold your head high and repeat to your children you are no longer going to accept abusive behaviour, you’ve tried hard to keep the family together but you need more for yourself.

Focus on the fresh start you need and your children will come around. And remember don’t apologise for wanting to be happy.

Are you able to leave and live elsewhere at the moment? Just explain to your sons how you are feeling. They are men now and need to realise that their mother is due love and respect. I think that when they have to fend for themselves at home they will rapidly learn to appreciate what they have in you.

I'm sorry you have had to go through years of abuse from someone who should have given you love but instead chose to treat you like sh*t.
4 years ago i made the decision to leave my childrens dad who was emotionally/mentally abusive but was also just short of being physically abusive. As a woman who was disabled, alone with no family close by i can understand why you stayed because i did the same. Until he raised his first and then that was me done.. I didn't want my kids (girls X2, boyx1) to think that it was ever ok to physically harm another person in that way. Unfortunately the damage was done for the emotional abuse, they witnessed it, they hated it. My eldest who is a teen now, speaks of my relationship with her dad and says she wished I had left earlier. We can't change the past but we can change the future and for a short while the kids did hear from him, saying I was awful for leaving him, I kicked him out, until he started taking his agression out on them. That's when the Switch flipped for them.
I hope your sons realise that you and they are both victims. That they come to the realisation that you need them, as much as they will need you.
Me and my children are now closer than ever and dare I say it, me and my ex have a better relationship as exes than we ever did together. I've done interventions with him, to help him be a better parent for them and he listened, so even he has shown some growth.

I really don't want to question your choices as it is not helpful.
But I will say that you haven't managed to shield them from emotional harm given their behaviour towards you. Your MIL is not the problem, blowing up at her, regardless of how your DH behaves in her presence, this is not where you should focus attention, responsibility for his behaviour sits with your 'D'H.
Now I think you need to concentrate on moving forward, you really should find somewhere else to live, I appreciate you are in your own home but it is not a comfortable situation. Are you employed? I think that a bit of distance between you all may be the best way forward, but he may delay divorce proceedings just to be difficult so you may have a long road ahead.

Focus on moving forward. Don't let the negative comments on here get you down. What has happened is clearly not ideal and may have coloured your DC's views on what is appropriate behaviour towards you and towards women, but you are now standing up to it and showing them that it is not acceptable in your words and in your actions. Don't put them in the middle of your divorce or ask them to take sides, but call them out every time they speak to you in a manner which is disrespectful or demeaning.

Well said.

Hope you are ok @anotherglass

Agree. Don’t expect sympathy from your sons even though you deserve it. They don’t want to hear details, the family rupture is all too painful emotionally.
As some posters have ably demonstrated, societal misogyny means victims can get the blame however much you try to explain. And not just from manipulative H.
Put it simply to your boys, something like, “I wasn’t treated with respect, I asked H to change and he wouldn’t, I wasn’t happy. As a human being I have a right to be treated with respect, I have a right to be happy”.
At the same time you would be setting an expectation of a healthy relationship for them.
And don’t hide in your room unless you are physically afraid. Walk tall, claim your space in your home. It’s not you who should be ashamed 💐

This is terrible advice. I really would not give your DC ammunition like this to justify them cutting contact with you.

From what I've read about divorce you don't leave the family home.
Get busy speaking to solicitor and working out what finances are there to share.

I agree with previous comments that it is hard to leave abusive situations. It took me 10 years. I think the worst thing is that it can normalise derogatory behaviour for the mother from the children's aspect. I think you need to just get through this tough part and hope your sons will come around in the end. They really shouldn't be taking sides. They are at the age where they could be leaving home soon as well and so won't necessarily only live with one of you for a great length of time. It looks like your 19 though may stay with his dad for a couple of years. I think just make sure you have a spare bedroom when you move out and tell your sons you do expect them to visit. Otherwise, make sure you get the house and they will probably stay where they are. I'm very sorry this is happening to you

I think the comment about your boys being horrible people was meant to show that their behavior is horrible. As you have described it as such. Young people learn how to behave not by what is said but by what is seen in my humble opinion. Her thoughts that they will treat their partners similarly may be correct if you had never left. Hopefully this will show them that mental abuse will not be tolerated and eventually a person will get fed up. I hope that you are letting them know that you love them and that this situation has nothing to do with them and is between you and their father. Don't try and get them on your side. In a divorce the poor kids are pulled to pick a side when they have nothing to do with it.

Your post to the commentor should give insight as to why they are treating you horribly. When someone hurts a loved one you react without thought and really trying to understand. Your boys are doing the same. They are hurt seeing their father hurt and are reacting without really trying to understand. As you did with the commenter.

Hopefully time, good commination and maintaining boundaries.. not only with your soon to be ex but also your sons.. will bring about the loving respectful relationship you once had with your boys. I have a son and we have gotten into it but I'm not someone who will sit and deal with it so my son knows.... even at 32... he better act right around me because that's just the way it is. In turn I act right to him. We communicate calmly but when it escalates i just have a look and he knows..... it was taught when he was young. I don't continue the conversation we take a break and come back later
when we are both calm.

Momma bear show them their behavior towards you will not be tolerated either. That you are still their mother and that you LOVE them but they will treat you with RESPECT. THAT IS THE LAW. The commentor could be right. If you don't do some damage control for unintentionally allowing their young minds to normalize abuse (as you have described it) then they 2 may perpetuate it as well. Family therapy?

Did you say one child is at uni? If hes being financially supported by dad that might influence them