Adult children taking sides - how to cope

[anotherglass]

Hello, I have instigated a divorce with my emotionally / verbally abusive husband of 26 years. My two sons ( 19 + 22 ). For most of their lives they have witnessed belittling and degrading language from their father towards me. To them it has become normalised. To me, it was damaging and hurtful but I brushed aside for the 'sake of keeping the family together'. Now the father is blaming me for breaking up the family and the sons are siding with him. We are still in the family home but I have been isolated by them. They are socialising together and the youngest, in particular, is being particularly brutal and not speaking to me. I have explained how his Dad's behavoiur towards me impacted me, but he is still sitting with his Dad having a laugh while I'm upset in my room on my own, feeling heartbroken at the prospect of being disowned by my boys. Please help.

I actually have hope that the cycle can be broken. You have to stay positive. But hey, thanks for your positive contribution to my plight.

Also, don’t share your feelings about your husband or how you’ve been treated with your children. They may not understand your perspective or empathise with you. Keep your feelings to yourself and let them decide how they feel about the situation.

I mentioned the situation with my own MIL upthread @anotherglass and the problem was that the abuse wears down the victim to a person oftentimes who is not a person who can be relied on by their children. Sometimes in some cases the children start to see the victim through the abuser’s eyes.

My mother in law was a fantastic woman warm, funny, caring but equally she was rendered highly dysfunctional by the abuse.

She became extremely needy and dependent and was in such a dire situation herself that her natural empathy was suppressed after years of having her confidence eroded. Why wouldn’t she be after that experience?

These are not about her character, they are about the impacts of her experience. She also did things due to the abuse that were out of character.

I don’t say these things to be unkind but because they are the effect of years of abuse. She didn’t do what you have done and never had the opportunity to unlearn the patterns of behaviour abuse caused in her. She didn’t have your emotional resources.

That meant that she did not have the reserves to offer her children whet they needed from their mother and actually for all of their lives they parented her in many ways which was a very difficult experience for them.

Whereas on the surface at least narcissists (and all abusers are by definition narcissistic) appear to have resources in spades. Money, friends, good jobs because narcissistic individuals are so self focussed they can generate these things and then to children who cannot get a handle on the dynamics they look like the stronger parent. For some children they can buy into the delusion. But time can be revealing in others.

These are adults who think that abuse is an acceptable way to treat women, the time for the cycle to be broken has unfortunately passed now.

OP you are getting these replies as this is a predominately female site, with so many posts from women who are victims of abuse. It is hard to see young adults who have been brought up to think abusing women is the way men should behave.

Just because you don’t want to see that, doesn’t mean posters are trolling.

My advice to you now is to contact women’s aid and protect yourself.

It is not your fault that your sons are on their father’s side. He has manipulated them. You are a victim. Your sons are afraid of losing their home. Once you are set up in new accommodation they will be fine. Best of luck

Also it’s v hard to admit your DF is a cruel person. I’m sure he has his good points but from your sons’ points of view how can they easily accept he has treated you badly. It’s not them being wrong or unfair it’s just a hard thing to get your head around. Imv

It is not a question of not wanting to see the consequences of the situation on my beautiful young men. To me they are victims too. It is very painful to face up to the situation. Believe me it would be far easier to look away. I just don't see what posters are trying to achieve by pressing this point. I am dealing with a tsunami of emotions that I feel overwhelmed and at times have found it difficult to breath. Bringing to the fore the fact that my lovely lads are damaged and may become abusers at this point, when I am raw and falling apart, the timing is shite.

Hi op
I’m sorry you’re getting such a bashing from some women. They obviously see the situation in black and white. It’s hard to know what to do for the best when you can’t see a way out.
Your sons have not been damaged. They’re just looking for someone to blame and because you stood up and made a stand, it’s you who’s currently taking the flack!

Is there a religion or misogynistic culture involved? I ask because some are very down on women, who should basically have no wishes thoughts or ideas other than ones their husband would approve. Who should never complain about poor treatment from the husband, even if it’s a beating. If that kind of toxicity is involved all the men will gang up together.

Thank you so much for this post. It has rung true in so many ways. What a sorry life you MIL had. It is such a difficult situation to be in on her own, with very few people aware of the internal struggles of an abuse woman, trying to balance her mental health with the needs of a family. If only mumsnet was around for your MIL when she was going thru the worst of her struggles.

This is a good post. You are breaking the cycle OP so you just have to continue.

I know you don't want to think of your sons as being abusers themselves, but their father's behaviour is also likely to be a consequence of a multi-generational cycle of abuse.

You can't change the past but you can continue to move forward.

There is hope. A few years down the line with you free of their father's abuse may change their outlook.

Time will change this OP, keep strong

I want to share a very painful episode which prompted me to tell DH I want a divorce. MIL had been staying for a few days ( made a surprise visit ) and is very close to her grandsons. When she is her DH is worse with the verbal, emotional abuse. He is embolden by her presence as she does not like me. On the weekend, DH began to tell me 'just shut up' would you. He said it twice and I told him not to speak to me like that. He said this in front of her and my sons. When I looked to her, she looked the other way and said 'I'm not getting involved'. At this point I blew up at her, and called her some terrible names for allowing her son to speak to me like that, in front of her son. How this was a terrible example and I wanted her to leave as he was worse when she was around. They both ignored me, I went upstairs and cried. They were downstairs watching the telly and laughing like nothing happened. Except the boys now are angry and upset at me for abusing their beloved granny. She left for a hotel that night. It is not in my character to do this. I had protected her so many times from DH's abusive language and treatment. She never speaks up for me. I should know better than a woman to take the side of the DIL over the son. This situation is so awful all round. The worst bit is my son's are so conflicted about what I said to their granny. I don't need condemnation for this awful episode. A woman pushed to the edge and feeling isolated and alienated from an abusive family. I am now getting much support from this website, for those who are compassionate thank you.

I also was a victim of domestic abuse both physically and mentally in case you missed that part of my post and there is help out there if you want it. I also had no family and plenty of other women I met had no family hence turning to places like a women’s refuge. You are only trapped if you let yourself be, it’s hard to walk away with nothing but the sense of relief you’ll feel being out of the situation will outweigh any bad feelings. Staying in this toxic environment and letting your son treat you the same way as his father isn’t the answer, you can google help for domestic violence and there will be lots of information and help available. If you wait for the right time it will never come, I did it over 15 years ago and I’ve never looked back and my life is in a totally different place now but the harsh reality is you have to save yourself because no one is going to come and save you.

I am sorry for what you went through but yours is a story of hope. I do need to walk, you are right. x

Very good advice, thank you. x

I also thought I was doing the right thing to stay - ironically because I thought they needed an intact family and I could sacrifice myself to be a shield!

The absolute best thing you can do is leave, not just for your own well-being but to provide an alternative way of being and living with others. Without constant conflict and with loving respect. Words trigger the rational mind.

Your sons are old enough to make their own choices. DS1 has been no contact with his dad for 5+ years. His choice. DS2 still sees him occasionally. In fact he has been waiting all day for a visit and for his dad to pick him up. The reality of who he is means more than anything I could say. I teach him to value himself and be rightly pissed off when treated unfairly. Hopefully one day he will hold his dad to account. Until then he has a loving home for the other 360 days a year.

My sons are young adults. It’s not too late. I used to fear they would replicate abuse. It just made me feel more powerless. You need to feel your own potential power and agency to leave an abusive relationship. Women’s aid can help with that.

I’m glad to hear that you’re about to visit your family. Please share what you’re going through with them and let them advise and support you. You’ll feel less alone if you share this with people who love you.

Perhaps if your boys are close to a particular relative, they can have a word with them as well. They’re shocked and confused at the moment and another perspective from someone they trust might help them be more understanding.

Is our younger DS at University? Is there someone you could ring- the student welfare officer or someone who would be able to offer counselling/therapy for him, or suggest it to your DS/put something in front of him. That may give him someone to talk to and give him an outlet for his uset

Sadly I agree that growing up seeing your stbxh treating you like this has made them think it’s normal to treat women/you like this. I don’t know what you can do to rectify it but possibly nothing 🤷‍♀️. It is new to them so they may just be unsettled and come round.

OP, I can feel your pain through your words. I just want to say well done on finally making the decision to break free from this odious man.

It may not feel like it right now but you do have happier times ahead. Just keep putting one step in front of the other. You are stronger than you know. Sending hugs.

OP, my heart hurts for you and I am sorry that some posters have not shown you the compassion that I think you deserve. I have a young son (he is 5) and am currently leaving an unhealthy relationship. Your story emboldens me and whilst I'm sad that you're going through it, I'm thankful that you posted it.
I'm also posting a link to a podcast that you might find helpful on navigating divorce with older or adult children.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/75FV9yHJxcSDv28aCcnUob?si=dNF8cOj2QtOGCxAV7laf8Q

As a parent you need to be cruel to be kind, sometimes. Let them disown you. Stop doing anything which enables them to have a good life. Get your own food, plates, and utencils - Lock it away. Do not wash their clothing, do not cook for them, do not give them any money, do not pay their bills. Remove anything from their room you have paid for and sell it. Tell them if this is what they wish to accuse you of, and turn their backs on you, then this is the hill they can die on. It'll be hard, but once you cut them off and their father does bugger all to support them - Then they'll learn. Your husband sounds like he should be reported to the police. Abuse doesn't need to be physical for you to report it. New laws and legislation even include isolating a spouse from their family. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Either throw them out and change the locks so they cannot get back in from college and work, or rent somewhere private/go to a women's shelter.

Easier said than done, but it can be done, you can do this. Show them what an angry woman looks like. Teach them this final lesson. Deep breath, shoulders back, clear head.

Sorry for what your going through. I was lucky enough to have my children on my side. But I would definitely proceed with the divorce. He is a narcissist trying to control you through the boys. Don't let him. The boys will realise soon enough as he will then try to control them keep trying to.keep a sensible relationship. But you can help your boys after you've helped your self. As this is just the beginning of the fight stay strong. Also living with him is not going to help get legal advice and space.

Hope all works well you.

I feel for you I'm also on the recieving end of bad behaviour of my wife who's filed for divorce and told my 2 adult daughters I threatened her with violence,so they have sided with their mum who's for ever goading me to react ,so it validates her decision ,my daughter's haven't spoke to me for 5 months and it's slowly killing me ,never would I lay a finger on my wife I'm so dismayed with it all ,I feel like giving up and walk away with nothing but my sanity,you've got to look after you be good to yourself ,and give them the space they need to reflect and miss you ,which I'm sure they will ,and hope your boys will reconcile with you ,keep pushing through like I'm gonna do wishing us the best it will get better