Adult children taking sides - how to cope

[anotherglass]

Hello, I have instigated a divorce with my emotionally / verbally abusive husband of 26 years. My two sons ( 19 + 22 ). For most of their lives they have witnessed belittling and degrading language from their father towards me. To them it has become normalised. To me, it was damaging and hurtful but I brushed aside for the 'sake of keeping the family together'. Now the father is blaming me for breaking up the family and the sons are siding with him. We are still in the family home but I have been isolated by them. They are socialising together and the youngest, in particular, is being particularly brutal and not speaking to me. I have explained how his Dad's behavoiur towards me impacted me, but he is still sitting with his Dad having a laugh while I'm upset in my room on my own, feeling heartbroken at the prospect of being disowned by my boys. Please help.

How long ago did you instigate the divorce? Maybe they’re still in a denial phase. I would sit them down and ask them did they feel your DH behaviour to you was ok? Is it something you should have put up with for the rest of your life? I’d be shocked if they said yes.

The discussion was had at the weekend. I am concerned DH has been bad mouthing me. I think the boys are so normalised to his abuse that they don't see it as a problem. DH framed my protests as over-reacting or telling me to calm down. I made a rod for my own back by putting up with an abusive situation for so long. Now I am the baddie when I am the victim. Son is not acknowledging my suffering. I feel like I have lost him and this is heartbreaking.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. It sounds as if their Dad’s behaviour has become normalized to them and they’re angry with you for saying enough is enough. Which you have every right to. 💐

They're young adults so quite frankly, you don’t have to do anything for them while they’re being so horrible. Just a thought-do you have any relatives whom they’re close to who could speak to them? A uncle perhaps who’s witnessed your husband’s behaviour?

They need to realize that this isn’t the way to treat your partner.

Unfortunately this is the result of your effort to keep the family together.

As you’ve said yourself, your husbands behaviour towards you has become normalised, it’s all your sons have ever known, and it’s highly likely they will go on to treat their own girlfriends and wives in exactly the same way. You’ve upset the status quo and none of them like it.

I don’t know that there’s any way to resolve this right now, your sons are two unpleasant individuals, just like their father.

I guess you’ve got to crack on with the divorce and hope that once you’ve got your own place and you can spend some time with them, without their father present, things may improve.

How horrible to call my sons two unpleasant individuals. They are victims of domestic abuse as much as me.

@HenDoNot They’re being unpleasant towards you right now though. It’s really not OK.

They don't see his behaviour as harmful to me, but that doesn't make them unpleasant individuals.

@anotherglass I’m not saying that they’re unpleasant people, but their current behaviour -ignoring you- IS unpleasant.

Please don’t accept it, stop doing anything for them and get your ducks in a row (financial, make an appointment with a solicitor, etc.)

Sorry but you should of left years ago, they've learnt his behaviour and see it as normal. 'Keeping the family together' is not always for the best.

You cannot understand how unhelpful this is to my plight. I am in the UK, without family who live overseas. I did not have the financial resources to leave and set up on my own. I was concerned about my children spending time with their dad, if separated, when he was lax about their safety, and a functioning alcoholic in a professional role. At other times he was a supportive dad taking them to football matches but with a bad temper. I attempted to get him to go to counselling and get therapy but to no avail. In a perfecty world I would have left, but my decision at the time was to stay and do my best to shield my growing boys from any emotional harm / bad mouthing of me that may have occured when he was with them. I have to deal with my current situation and beating a down woman is just as abusive as the man I am divorcing.

You always have a choice. I left with two children and hardly anything but I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that abusive behaviour was normal. I also had no family to help me but there’s plenty of organisations out there that will help you get on your feet.

Unfortunately now your sons see this behaviour as normal and have grown up watching your husband treat you like shit and now they are following suit.

You get what you put up with and if you continue to let them treat you this way then they will. I understand divorce might be a shock to them but their behaviour towards you isn’t acceptable and they are adults who should know better. It’s not about taking sides and neither you or your husband should expect them to pick, it’s about them both maintaining a relationship with you and not getting involved in your problems and divorce. I might sound harsh but my mother tried to get me and my sister to take sides and I’ve never forgiven her for her behaviour.

When does the living situation change, Op? It sounds absolutely horrendous. But - what do you want? For your sons to stop talking to their dad? It's unfair to expect them to take side at this point, but they should be treating you with respect.

I am a victim of domestic abuse and your post is needlessly harsh. People who are in these situations may not have the emotional and financial resources to leave. I had NO family to help faciliate me leaving. This is CRUCIAL. I am very sorry you seem to lack the compassion and empathy to understand why and how women feel trapped in these situations.

I am at an extremely low point dealing with overwhelming emotions of sadness, isolation and alienation by my family here. To those posters who want to have a go at me for not leaving earlier, you are giving me an emotional kicking. I do not have the resources to continue defending my decisions. Please think before you post. I need support through a very critical time.

My sister went through a very similar thing, her dc were a similar age and for about a year they blamed her.
Once they had moved to seperate homes the dc started seeing their father for what he was really was because their mum wasn’t there protecting them from his rude, selfish and manipulative behaviour. Two years on and both dc still see and get on with their dad but totally understand why my sister left. (By the way, my sister has met a truly wonderful gentle soul who loves her to bits. It’s fantastic to see her in such a loving relationship)
So I think the main thing you can do is give your dc time.

Well said.

Can I remind everyone that this topic is “Divorce/Separation” NOT AIBU so stop with the “you should have done X” posts, they are adding noting to the conversation!

They are behaving horribly. They have learnt to copy their father. Unfortunately common. I feel for you but you posted on here for advice. The best thing you can do is keep going regardless. Their father will probably turn on them and they will learn or, if you dont address their adult behaviour they will probably have unhappy partners and wonder why

Thank you. I am so happy to hear your sister had a good result. I am hoping for a happy outcome for my boys and I. This is my main priority. I don't know how I will cope if they become estranged from me. I have been alienated my entire family here now as it was my DH's network. They are siding with him. This is part of the reason why I did not leave earlier. My family here is my husband's family. To detach from this would have left me fully alone in this country. I could not cope with this emotionally years ago, as I was suffering from anxiety and depression related to husband's behaviour, and me carrying the load of taking care of the kids emotional well-being. I am holding on to the hope there will be better days ahead once we are through this.

Unfortunately they are victims of abuse and are becoming abusers. By following through with the divorce no matter how hard they make it for you you will give them a chance at an abuse free life. You are doing this for them as much as you and need to accept the, hopefully shirt term, pain for the long term gain. Do you have to stay in the house? Can you go to a refuge? Living with 2 or 3 abusive men is not good. A refuge will help you in more ways than you realize.

Unfortunately they are victims of abuse and are becoming abusers. By following through with the divorce no matter how hard they make it for you you will give them a chance at an abuse free life. You are doing this for them as much as you and need to accept the, hopefully shirt term, pain for the long term gain. Do you have to stay in the house? Can you go to a refuge? Living with 2 or 3 abusive men is not good. A refuge will help you in more ways than you realize.

The horrible thing is that DH has turned on my eldest son and I have protected him most. He favours my youngest son and it is he who is frosty with me. The eldest is more understanding of my position. This is all so horrible.

Give them time. They are probably afraid of your dh and taking his side because of that. In time they will see what's been done to you and them. Dh will mess up and they'll see him as the abuser that he is.

OP this is a normal reaction to the current situation. Stay consistent and try to stay strong. Please use the domestic abuse support services available at women’s aid and other local charity organisations. The freedom program teaches all about the bad father and the behaviours you have described in your post.
Your husband is using this tactic to try and get you to agree to stay. It is manipulation. Your boys are in survival mode and are trying to minimise the impact on themselves emotionally.
in time they will see through their fathers behaviour.
Good luck OP this is the hardest time but you are doing it for all the right reasons. On average it takes 7 attempts to leave an abuser.
no one should ever judge you for the decisions you have made. Ignore the petty unhelpful comments above.

I think you need to get somewhere to live ASAP. If he is abusing your sons now they need somewhere safe to go to, away from their father. You need to nip your youngest sons behaviour in the bud and tell him you won't tolerate bad behaviour towards you. Unfortunately it is possible his father will allow him to behave badly and he will continue along this path but you have to try and have faith that your younger son will see what his father is like as he gets older and he has a safe calm place to go. Are either of them planning on leaving home/ do they have job s or studying to go to?

You will break free and have a glorious and much happier life with new friends and interests. In time they'll see their father for what he is, he'll probably crumble without you.

They are avoiding becoming targets themselves. Once they are more independent they won't feel the pressure to take his side.