Adult children taking sides - how to cope

[anotherglass]

Hello, I have instigated a divorce with my emotionally / verbally abusive husband of 26 years. My two sons ( 19 + 22 ). For most of their lives they have witnessed belittling and degrading language from their father towards me. To them it has become normalised. To me, it was damaging and hurtful but I brushed aside for the 'sake of keeping the family together'. Now the father is blaming me for breaking up the family and the sons are siding with him. We are still in the family home but I have been isolated by them. They are socialising together and the youngest, in particular, is being particularly brutal and not speaking to me. I have explained how his Dad's behavoiur towards me impacted me, but he is still sitting with his Dad having a laugh while I'm upset in my room on my own, feeling heartbroken at the prospect of being disowned by my boys. Please help.

I would say they are in shock -you put up with DH and they may have assumed you weren’t hurt by DHs behaviour or possibly they hoped you weren’t hurt by his behaviour.
i would stand firm repeat that you didn’t want to break up the family but you can’t spend the rest of your life like this /with DH, and you hope they will understand.
Give it time. Don’t bad mouth anyone - tell them how sad you are but you can’t go on like this. I suspect they were v upset by DHs behaviour towards you but they are your children and wouldn’t want to upset the AppleCart or their home life.
give them time months /even a year or so to adjust.

It doesn't make me feel anything in particular. I think it will help you to face up to the reality.

Lol.

So you're just a rude and mean person, then. Got it.

Thank you. I am getting a kicking from some posters who like to dump on people who are down. Your thoughtful post is much appreciated. Today is very bad. xx

I am trying to stay strong but my son told me last night that he didn't want to have anything to do with me - my baby. This broke me. I had to leave the house and drove to a carpark and screamed into the void. I have not felt pain like this.

Ignore the victim blaming posts OP, they are disgraceful. Well done for instigating the divorce, your sons are probably still just in shock and will take this out on you as perhaps they know you won’t reject them whereas their father would. Give it time and work on your freedom. Wishing you lots of luck.

What a horrible situation you are in. At least the youngest will be going back to Uni soon so you will have some breathing space from him.

Just wanted to say I think you’re brave and you have proved it’s never too late to throw in the towel.

You need some legal advice so I would focus on that next week.

Look after yourself.

@anotherglass Do look into domestic abuse charities in your area, some offer free counselling sessions. You also have Refuge and Women's aid nationally.
Lean into all of the support you can, it can help more than you imagine.

Do your sons have girlfriends or other women in their lives who may help them to understand what you have been through?

At the moment, it seems you have only said you want a divorce. You now have to put the emotional stuff to one side as hard as that is and focus on practicalities.

Get advice ASAP from Women's aid and financial solicitor etc. Get the ball rolling with the divorce.

I think your son's might be scared of their father, hence siding and copying him. Once you are living separately, they will see your strength and see more clearly why you needed to get divorced. It's likely they will come to you, when you are living away from their abusive father.

I agree with the PP who said they are avoiding the abuse themselves. They are siding with the “stronger” adult.

I think you need to make the narrative about what you loved about him at the beginning. Say objectively how his behaviour has changed into an abuser. It’s the relationship at fault hence you’re leaving for both your sakes. Take the power struggle out of it. There’s no sides for your boys to take.

Steady on op, you've kept the family together for many many years too long, which means that the abuse you've experienced is normal used behaviour for them now. This is absolutely one of the downsides of 'staying together for the kids' and as pp say, it is unfortunately likely that they will go on to treat their own romantic partners just the same as they've observed for years.

A lot of posters on this thread with little / no understanding of domestic abuse

Stay strong. Brighter days ahead. Hold your head high

Be patient with your sons. As they grow older, their perspective may change

@anotherglassThat is really harsh. I feel for you. I hope the space on the family trip will help give them some perspective. A friend of mine had the same and braved through it. It didn’t take long for her DC to realise who was the rational caring provider and then switched homes after a few months. If you stay you will regret it. Your sons need to know that their fathers behaviour is completely unacceptable even if they so t recognise it as abuse.

Telling an unpalatable truth isn't mean or rude. The OP wants to understand why her sons are taking sides, and that won't happen when she shuts her ears and says la la la.

This is such a heartbreaking situation. I would feel so empty and deeply sad. Do you have a place to live?

That is a good point but sadly they do not have partners, yet. x

Yes it is awful. I don't have anywhere to live yet. My ducks were not in a row when everything went bust, due to me being unable to withhold the pressures.

OP my SIL went through a similar situation albeit the children were much younger.

Their initial reaction was to ‘keep the peace’ and soak up all the poison their dad fed them. My poor SIL was heartbroken and the cycle just kept going while she lived in the house with him as they sorted through things. For a while he put on a great act of the reasonable husband and showered the children to buy their affection while painting her as the villain.

The best thing she did was see the divorce through and get him out of the house into his own place. Suddenly the kids living environment was calmer and they weren’t walking on egg shells all the time. She didn’t need to say anything, she merely moved on and created a non toxic home and they soon realised what the difference was.

Little by little they warmed back to her. She’s now in a new relationship and is modelling what something healthy looks like to the children. Unfortunately she has them 50/50 so they still see a lot of their dad and although I’m sure he thinks he’s a great father, she sees in a difference in them (things like panicking if they can’t find a pair of socks that were from ‘his clothes’ or nerves telling him of a change in their school schedule on his days etc).

All she can do is be there for them, wrap arms around them and give them a loving peaceful home. It took about a year for the tide to fully turn from when she first decided to leave.

Undoing decades of abuse and learned behaviour doesn’t happen quickly. You just need to move forwards and keep strong. Don’t argue with the boys or try to ‘win them around’, just focus on being your best self and perhaps seek some therapy. If they question why then as other posters said, just reiterate some of the terrible behaviour and ask if they think it’s ok? I can’t believe they’d agree but it will take time

I am very sorry for whoever these young men marry. They are in for a very rough time. They will expect her to accept the treatment their father gave you.

I had to take a deep breath before responding to this because it has a trolling tone. If you are geninuely well intentioned with your post, generalising can be harmful when people are vulerable. I will make this point known to the moderators if you continue to post comments of a similar nature.

Yes they are, and lots of male victims become perpetrators and by ignoring you, and behaving how they are they are now joining in on the abuse. Whether that is because they are scared of their dad or they truely believe it, but either way they are now exhibiting abusive behaviours

I completely understand how you feel. However, since you don’t have a place to live yet and your sons are taking sides, I suggest taking some time for now and not making any decisions or acting on them. Acting hastily could leave you in a more vulnerable position, which wouldn’t be fair to you. Take your time, and once you regain your composure and you are ready for the worst e.g. your sons taking sides, then decide what’s best for you.

you need support from a domestic abuse organisation such as Women’s Aid , you don’t have to still be in the relationship.