Adult children taking sides - how to cope

[anotherglass]

Hello, I have instigated a divorce with my emotionally / verbally abusive husband of 26 years. My two sons ( 19 + 22 ). For most of their lives they have witnessed belittling and degrading language from their father towards me. To them it has become normalised. To me, it was damaging and hurtful but I brushed aside for the 'sake of keeping the family together'. Now the father is blaming me for breaking up the family and the sons are siding with him. We are still in the family home but I have been isolated by them. They are socialising together and the youngest, in particular, is being particularly brutal and not speaking to me. I have explained how his Dad's behavoiur towards me impacted me, but he is still sitting with his Dad having a laugh while I'm upset in my room on my own, feeling heartbroken at the prospect of being disowned by my boys. Please help.

This... and the very next post after it.
Well done on finding the strength to get yourself away.
Sending lots of best wishes, just ride the storm knowing you are on your way out of it.

Appeasing is the word I'm looking for.

It is appeasement by them. That's the coping strategy you and they have developed.

Well done on taking the decision to say no to your husband’s behaviour, and also on this thread! You feel low but you are enforcing your boundaries and for that you should feel strong and proud.

I think that while your sons are now adults, try to remember they still need your guidance. Especially the youngest, has been brainwashed in a way and he needs your to teach him about this. Which you are/have done by showing you will no longer accept being mistreated. It must be so hard but try not to take it too personally and view your son as needing lots of guidance, even if he doesn’t think he does, and you being the adult that needs to provide it.

Thank you. We are all actually due to go on holiday to my home country tomorrow. DH was due to come but it all blew up this week when DH pushed me too far but being abusive in front of his family and they were silent. I told him then that I wanted a divorce. At this point he is planning to travel with us, but do his own thing when we arrive. I will have 3 weeks with my family and the boys. It is all such a mess.
I need to sort a living plan for when I get back. Eldest son has just graduated and is living me us, the youngest is going back to Uni. Thanks for your support.

This happened to a good friend of my mums.
She endured horrible violence and abuse of every kind for years - partly because he told her he would do everything to ensure he ‘got’ the children and she was terrified for them.
She left when the youngest went to college.
The shock did actually break him.
Because she hid it so well and also probably normalised it the boys are in total denial that anything was ever wrong.
The boys have nothing to do with her. They have children of their own and she has never seen them. She sends birthday and Christmas presents every year and one son brings them back and leaves them on her doorstep.
She has found it extremely difficult but still knows it was the right thing to do to leave.
i am sorry some posters have been so unkind to you.

Hi op
just to say I completely understand why you stayed. I stayed with an angry man to keep our little family together. I thought about leaving but didn’t have the resources and didn’t want to break up our family unit.
however, if I did leave now, Um sure my 23 year old son would side with his father, at first.
In time I believe/hope they will come around and have a better relationship with you. Like others have said, you’re husband will show his true colours with them.

I would suggest you contact women’s refuge. They will be able to offer you support both emotionally and practically. You’ve taken the first steps, now it’s time to move forward. Don’t hide in your room from your DC, it’s your home as much as it is theirs. Good luck x

I also think you need to leave.
Tell your children that you are leaving and why- stop sugar coating things.
Give them the opportunity to come with you or stay with their father.
Then, in no uncertain terms explain to them that their father’s behaviour is unacceptable and that they are the reason you stayed and tolerated him.
Quite frankly I expect they will side with him. After all, you have stayed with him for years and given them the impression that whatever he has said and done is perfectly normal and acceptable.
I’m not trying to hit you when you are down, but you should not have allowed this behaviour to ever have become normalised.
Your sons will learn how to become men from their father unfortunately. And so the cycle continues.
Put yourself first. Start thinking with your head and not your heart.
Good luck.

It all came to a head this week.

Your DSs are behaving very normally, albeit painfully as far as OP is concerned, for the victims of DA at this stage of a parental split, and there’s absolutely no reason to think that they’re bad people or will become abusers.

OP, there are at least three dynamics going on here.

First, given you instigated the divorce last weekend, they will be in denial.

Secondly, they’re still your STBXH’s sons, and they’ll be feeling sorry for, and worried about, him because he didn’t want the divorce.

Thirdly, subconsciously they’ll be protecting themselves from him and his awful behaviour. It’s a survival instinct.

Give them time. As a PP has said, they’ll come to understand. That said, you don’t have to put up with rudeness, so pull them up on that. But not on the fact they still speak to and spend time with your STBXH. That’s their prerogative and to be expected.

This.

Your boys are now adults, you are not in control of their happiness, you do not have that power. The best thing you can do is focus on your happiness. The best outcome is that you go on to live a happy, authentic life and start your second chapter. What everyone else does you can't control. That is a scary thing to face up to - you have to do what's right for you and be strong enough to let the consequences others impose be what they are. Let your boys know you love them, keep the channels of communication open, but be firm in demanding the life you deserve and to be treated with respect and dignity. Good luck!

There is rather alot of victim blaming going on in this post. The OP has experienced abuse. That can typically knock confidence and exacerbate the feeling of being trapped in a relationship.

OP - it’s not nice what your children are doing. Hugely hurtful. I’m not sure they will change overnight. I think they won’t look to your own wellbeing and the only way for you to emotionally survive this is to step back. The more you try to explain to them what went on, the more they will be in reactive defensive mode. I have daughters aged 20 and 24 and they have sided with my ex on occasion which hurts given what he put me through so I get where you are coming from. I don’t think they have fully emotionally matured even at this age. I do think children’s perceptions of connections with their parents plays a significant part here. They want a connection with their dad. In time, they might come to see things differently if they spend more time with him and see what he’s like. Google ‘Let them Theory’ by Mel Robbins. I’m working on this myself.

Agree with other posters that your sons need time. Sounds like your elder son has a better grasp of the situation which is good as he will hopefully help his brother see the reality.
The trip sounds quite well timed as you may get some time with just your sons as well as some family support.
Do you work OP? The only thing that occurs to me is that if your husband does not go, he may use the time to remove money from joint accounts etc. Maybe get a print out of any shared financial accounts now before you go on the holiday??
It is going to be a bumpy road for you but worth travelling for the freedom at the end. Good luck.

It's early days and your sons are in shock. I really feel for you, this ostracism seems so unfair.

But they are also still pretty young and don't have much lived experience of adult life and long term relationships. Hold tight and if asked, or if you get the opportunity, repeat the same message: that you no longer wish to be married to someone who treats you badly and you have the right to be free and independent but it doesn't alter your love and support for them at all. You can say that you shielded them from the unhappiness for the sake of keeping the family together, and maybe that was wrong, but you thought you were doing it for the best. Appeal to the grown-ups in there somewhere.

Why do people think criticising the OPs past choices is in any way constructive? She is no doubt drowning in regret but she needs her energy elsewhere. OP well done for standing firm. You are doing the right thing now. Keep going.

Sadly, the fact that you have stayed with him so long will backfire, because your sons will not accept the fact that if he was that bad, you would have stayed. That’s the reality of their current attitude. However unfair and unreasonable that their take on this is. Good for you that you’re leaving now though. It takes a lot of guts to leave and create another life for yourself after so long. All you can do is keep talking to them. With your youngest who isn’t talking to you, maybe write something down and give it to him. Unfortunately, as you say, the behaviour they have witnessed has been normalised, and they probably thinks this is how other households are.

With the space that your trip away will provide, you need to formulate a plan how you will move out ASAP. Even if that moving out means sleeping on friend's sofas or staying with family abroad for a while.

It's ok if your sons can still have a laugh with their dad. That ability ( to still like their dad) would be part of them NOT taking sides.

It's not ok if your sons are unkind to you, but it's going to take a while to unravel the old situation and create new relationships with them. Eventually you would want to refuse to talk at all with them about the divorce bcause the divorce isn't their problem or remit to talk about it. Main thing is Right now you need to get some space to get some resilience for your next steps.

My MIL never got away from her abuser husband, DH’s father. Well done it is a great accomplishment for you. FIL caused problems right until the day MIL died.

There will be ingrained relationship patterns that your sons will have learned in their childhood. DH was as far from being like his father in temperament as humanly possible but there were unconscious patterns of behaviour that definitely tied in with things he had learned from being around his father. He was not remotely abusive but other learned behaviour. He has slowly unpicked them over the years but that has required him to have a willingness to accept these parts of himself and to change them and that is down to how open a person is to change. For example one of his sisters who has very similar temperament to her father displays far more of her father’s patterns of dysfunctional behaviour (ignoring people’s boundaries/controlling people) and is highly resistant to owning that or making any change.

That is the biggest issue for children growing up in these environments, every day they are learning and they learn from actions not words and there is obviously the genetic component too.

For those reasons you now need to accept that as adults your sons are responsible for their own growth. You made choices in a terrible situation to keep them as safe as you felt was possible as children but if they choose to partake in damaging behaviour as adults that is their responsibility to address.

The internalised misogyny on this thread is shocking, I am saddened by some of the responses. OP, hold in mind as you read them, that on the internet, people with such strong responses/reactions are usually projecting their own stuff out.

@LindorDoubleChoc has said it beautifully, it's early days and they are shocked. I know legally they are adults, but remember that our brains are adolescent brains until age 24ish so emotional responses and regulation will still be haywire.

Good luck and stay strong.

Do you feel better for dumping on people? Your unhelpful comment suggests you like giving people a kicking.

Thank you so much. I appreciate the support. x

@anotherglass it is very early days yet. I think you need to hold on to the fact that you are doing the right thing getting out. By taking this stand you are sending a clear signal that DH’s treatment of you is not OK, hopefully in time to help your sons form a better blueprint for how their relationships develop. Set yourself realistic goals (e.g. this week get some legal advice, packing for holiday but also thinking about packing for a potential move and so in). One step, one hour, one day at a time. As some others have said, talk to organisations that might be able to help.

Thank you for your thoughtful post. I am digesting everything but it all feels so raw and painful at the moment. I feel lost and sad about the family breaking up, even though it was dysfunctional and damaging. x