Don’t think I can do this…

[poppymolly]

Original post ‘Lost’.

Please give me advice. I have cried for 6 weeks. My husband left and dated someone 2 weeks later. We have 2 children. She is 10 years younger than me, doesn’t want kids, works with him.

I can’t just get over it’ or ‘focus on the positives’, it’s impossible. I spend my days tracking ‘her’ down on Facebook, wondering what they’re doing together. I’m obsessed and so broken. Why is he with her??!! I’m so sad he chose her over me. I can’t get past that. I don’t feel I ever will. No matter what people tell me, I think about them together 24/7. It’s killing me.

I don’t think I can do this.

Six weeks is still really really early days. You are not failing at moving on. You’re grieving your marriage, your planned future, your family unit, your trust. Of course your mind is spinning and you can’t stop crying- it’s trauma.

You’re trying to make sense of the senseless. But obsessing is only feeding the pain and keeping the wound fresh. Don’t waste your precious energy on him or her, it won’t give you the answers and it won’t change anything.

He did not choose her because she’s “better.” He chose her because he is emotionally limited, impulsive, or unable to face real life like a grown man. He didn’t face the hard or boring parts of marriage, he escaped to a fantasy. He’s a selfish fuckwit.

Her being younger, child-free, or convenient (working with him) says NOTHING about your value. She represents freedom from responsibility and consequences—not love.

If he moved on that quickly, he was already emotionally out the door before he physically left you. It’s likely his started before, or he left to give himself the permission to pursue it guilt free - it’s shitty and weak and you’ll see him for what he is in time.

He’s doing his thing, you need to focus on you and your own thing. You are not broken. You are feeling all the things that are normal to feel right now. It’s utterly shit but it’s not permanent.

You do need to go cold turkey though - no more searching for her, no more looking at his socials etc.You cannot heal while picking that scab and it won’t make you feel any better or tell you anything good. Block him and set ip an email address for correspondence so you’re not tempted to rage at him - if you act angry and mad (even though you’ve every right to) it’s probable he’ll confide in her about his crazy ex he just had to leave. Don’t fuel it. Let her have her ‘prize’. He’s not your friend so don’t contact him about anything but child arrangements and divorce. The less contact you have and the more you’re in control of it the easier it’ll be to move your mind elsewhere.

Treat yourself like someone who’s been in an accident. You’ve just had your life flipped inside out. Be very very kind to yourself - don’t expect too much too soon. Have you got friends and family to support you? Get some counselling if you can afford it - talk this out, not to him. You need to grieve this, but take it literally a breath at a time, a minute, an hour etc. It sounds like a cliche but eventually it will get better and you’ll start looking forward to a different kind of life without him.

He didn’t leave because you are not enough. He left because he is not enough. Her existence doesn’t erase your value. You are so worthy of love and happiness and you will get back there - don’t give up. You’ll be so bloody strong when you come out of the other side of this. 💛

I feel so much sadness in your post. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You will find a way through this, for your children’s sake if nothing else, and things will not always be as hard as they are right now. You have survived six hard weeks already, you are surviving and things will get better with time.

I don’t know if it helps at all to reframe the loss as you not so much losing your husband, as losing the man you thought he was. He has shown you now that he isn’t that great a guy after all. He lacks the commitment and dedication of a great husband. He lacks consideration for his family, thoughtfulness and kindness. He lacks wisdom, and understanding of what truly matters most. He does not have values that line up with yours. He has blessed you by walking away freeing up time for you and your family to spend with better people. By all means grieve the man you had thought that he was, and feel saddened by his deceit, but know that he has now shown you he is a kind of man that you do not need. You deserve better, and in time better people will show up for you.

Keep on keeping on, you can get through this very tough time, you are stronger than you know and there are a lot of great women here to help you through this.

She doesn’t want kids but her new beau has 2! Trouble in paradise already. Would you rather he F’d off with her and left you to it, or the pair of them had your DC a couple of nights p week?
She’s not likely to bond with them if she’s not interested in having any of her own. Although she might change her mind if she’s young and where does that leave your ex?
What ages are your DC?

Thank you so much. I’m going to keep reading this to myself. I took what I felt was a very big step this evening. For 6 weeks HE has called the shots. HE has constantly told me to stop bombarding him with texts. HE has told me he’s in no rush for a divorce. HE has told me ‘I’m sorry, I’ve apologised, there’s nothing I can do to change any of this’.

Tonight I feel like a winner. I feel empowered because I have decided to stop wearing ‘MUG’ on my head. He turned his phone off because he was with her. He did this so I wouldn’t disturb his time with her. He didn’t think that I might need to contact him in an emergency. He put HIS needs over his children’s. What if something had happened? His phone was off. SHE took priority over everything. That stops now. I need to move on. I don’t care what he does with her anymore, I will not be texting him anymore, I accept their relationship. He can have what he dreamed of. He will not hold me back anymore.

I’ve told him to collect his belongings asap! He said, do you want me to hate you? I told him, I’m not here to be liked. Collect your things. It makes no difference whether he hates me or not. He has caused me so much pain and I’m not prepared to put myself through this anymore.

I’ve told him we will be totally amicable for the kids, but we’re done. I am not fighting this anymore. He wins. He can have her. I hope he finds out the grass isn’t always greener!

I loved your FUCKWIT comment!!

What emergencies have you been trying to cotact him about to find out he is not contactable?

She will not be going anywhere near my children that’s for sure! I have made that very clear to him.

It will certainly be interesting to see how this all works out for him. I wonder if the grass really is greener….

In all honesty, I don’t think it will be long before he realises, if he hasn’t already, what he has lost. He will never have half of what he had with us.

No emergencies thank goodness, but why does he get to pick and choose when he has his phone on? He is a dad. He is also responsible for his children. No one knows when he might be needed.

You cant dictate who he allows to see the children nor when he has his phone on or not, you are coming across as being way over the top, yes it is not nice but he has moved on and you do not sound mentally well enough to be there for your children through this, if you cant think rationally you will need professional help apart from the legal side

Stop trying to wonder about him and what he’s doing. I know it’s hard but he is not giving you a moment’s thought. He is consumed by the exciting new relationship that was almost certainly the reason he left you.

He will respect you MORE if you respect yourself. At the moment he has two women to choose from in his mind and you’re just the tiresome one with the children and all the baggage and it’s more fun with the new one.

So pleased to see you have realised this now and found your anger. Don’t take him back. You know who he is now. It’s over. Read ‘The Script’ and be prepared as it’s likely he won’t be happy that it’s no longer all about him.

Don’t make a big deal about him collecting his stuff. Just pack it up and let him know it’s there and that you’re moving in one way or another so it’s all just practicalities now. Be neutral and don’t engage. Take the thrill of the fight away from this affair couple. Enjoy knowing he will soon be dealing with being a weekend dad and living a mundane life with this woman who is happy to have an affair with a father and husband. You’re better than her and your life will be better than his.

What are the practicalities? Housing? Childcare?

You can’t control him letting her meet the children. You can’t control his phone. You can make it clear you have accepted he has gone and will now no longer contact him unless it’s urgent and about the children.

Then don’t contact him! Only to sort out custody, finances and the divorce.

You seem angry. Are you ok?

For 6 weeks HE has called the shots. HE has constantly told me to stop bombarding him with texts. HE has told me he’s in no rush for a divorce.
He's pulled the ground from under you and you have been left totally off balance and lost, but you can take back control.

Just because he's in no rush for a divorce doesn't mean you can't get the ball rolling. Get some legal advice and start making a list of all the financial information. If you can find paperwork for all the bank accounts and investments get copies. If you start the process you have practical things to do, which may also help you feel more grounded.

So you do seem to be making it easy for them. The one thing that would make her run and seriously fuck up his whole new life is him having the kids as much as possible. 50% of school runs, 50% of evenings and 50% of weekends would be seriously unsexy and unromantic. Stop hoarding the kids.
Send him a proposed timetable that’s as inconvenient for him as possible and put all his shit on her doorstep.

Sorry op but you’re unreasonable to start saying you’ll dictate what he does with his children. You can’t stop them with the ow ( although it’s too soon ). If you start using your children as pawns in this then you’re a really nasty person

hopefully it’s just your hurt coming through now and you’ll realise this will only impact your children and stop

start taking control by not contacting him and getting the divorce started. Don’t wait for him to file or do it when he’s ready. You do it.

and only contact him with regards to arrangements to children or emergencies

I think the OP is behaving in a perfectly normal way for someone who is six weeks out from her husband leaving her for someone else, and who is now ignoring her messages, and doesn’t seem in a rush to pick up his things or start a divorce despite saying he doesn’t want to be with her anymore.

I also think he shouldn’t turn his phone off in case there is an emergency with the kids.

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Things will get easier. I’ve seen enough threads on here of women who have been left who have found their feet again and who have gone on to have happy lives either alone or with a new partner. I know that will be you in time but of course it is still early days and the hurt is still very raw. Definitely stop searching for the OW and comparing yourself and go low contact with your H, for your own sake. It helps a lot!

Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me xxxx

I love this!!!!

If my ex was constantly texting me about nothing or not rejected to kids I’d turn it off too!

op is hurt. Understandable so. But can’t almost stalk him, or send loads of messages pointlessly to the point of harassment or start threatening him with controlling access to kids etc.

currently it is raw so we get that emotions running high. Hopefully op can start to focus on divorce and proper access schedule and her own healing which does not include this behaviour

Let him walk OP.
She will be stuck with this weak excuse of a man now.
She will also know that if he's capable of walking out on his own family , not looking too good for her.
You have to try and look at it as though you haven't actually lost much.
Your life could be looking very different further on. She might get sick of him and novelty of looking after your kids and leave him, only for you to find your much better off without this useless lump of lard, and much prefer a better way of life on your own or with someone else.
Blessings often come in disguise and only realised further on down the line.
There's a lot of truth in endings are beginnings of beautiful things.
You are still in the raw painful stages, l hope you have much support and things really turn around for you.
Keep playing Gloria Gaynor I will survive until you honestly believe it, your heart will mend, and know that life can often throw us lovely unexpected surprises after great turmoil.

I’ve done that. I’ve been the stalker. I’ve harassed him day and night but that’s because it has killed me to think of them being together just TWO WEEKS after leaving his 17 year relationship. TWO WEEKS!

I’m done now. I have no energy to be fighting this anymore. He has lost so much through all this: his closest friends, being the fun daddy he once was, a wife who loved him. It goes on. But this was his choice and now he is free to live his wonderful new life. I won’t be texting. I won’t be stalking.

he has his wish.

I know op and it’s clear you’re in pain.

but you admitted pretty much to obsessing over them and sending messages almost for no reason. His reaction is to turn his phone off and start calling you crazy.

what’s he’s done is crap for sure, I’m not denying that. He may end up regretting it. Maybe he won’t. Relationships end and it’s shit.

but you can’t stop the children from
having a relationship with their dad and that may involve this woman at some point ( or not if it breaks off soon) or controlling that.

and at some point down the line, holding onto the anger and bitterness will only harm you.
seek support, counselling etc to help you work through it . And yes it will take a long time, and no after 6 weeks you’re bound to still be reeling. Dont let it consume you ultimately

You stop the stalking and get angry. See a solicitor and start the divorce, put the house up for sale if needed. Pull the rug out from under him

I'm sure the OP knows all of this. Give her a break! She's suffering. I think most people in this situation go through this whirlwind of emotions and wanting answers. I know I did. It takes time to get your head together after having the rug pulled out from under your feet.

I would take heart op, they almost invariably try and worm their way back when the shine wears off new relationship. I would take satisfaction in forming the perfect response for when that day comes.

@GreenwayHouse i have. I’ve acknowledged it’s very early days and op is reeling from the hurt and betrayal and also that it will take time and support to recover

but I also don’t buy into the notion of get angry or hold onto that as it will hurt her and her children the most while her ex moves on and brands her crazy. It’s best for the children if they can at least be civil even if they don’t agree. And totally wrong to start trying to control access to children

but I do recognise it’s very early days !