Don’t think I can do this…

[poppymolly]

Original post ‘Lost’.

Please give me advice. I have cried for 6 weeks. My husband left and dated someone 2 weeks later. We have 2 children. She is 10 years younger than me, doesn’t want kids, works with him.

I can’t just get over it’ or ‘focus on the positives’, it’s impossible. I spend my days tracking ‘her’ down on Facebook, wondering what they’re doing together. I’m obsessed and so broken. Why is he with her??!! I’m so sad he chose her over me. I can’t get past that. I don’t feel I ever will. No matter what people tell me, I think about them together 24/7. It’s killing me.

I don’t think I can do this.

i will never stop my children from seeing their dad. Never. I wouldn’t be happy with them being introduced to her right now. In fact, I don’t think I’d ever want that, but that’s doesn’t mean they don’t see their dad.

You are grieving for the life you had and the man you thought he was.
Your DC will need you to be strong for them, to tell them, it’s ok to feel confused, sad but we will ok.
I would pack up his things and store them somewhere like the shed or garage or drop them off at his parents. Make the house your home without his shit about.
Get your ducks in a row, make copies of bank his separate bank, joint accounts, mortgage etc and store in safe place. Know when direct debits etc come out of bank. Start the ball rolling on divorce.

Just what I was thinking @GreenwayHouse - talk about pour vinegar in the wound!!

@poppymolly I agree with the posters who've advised you to go completely neutral and unbothered towards him as possible (outwardly). If you stay completely calm on the face of it and give them no reaction, it’s going to blow their minds. This new woman is a thrill, because she is novelty….but thrill and novelty only last so long…. See how much this new woman is content with having two kids around her, especially when she doesn’t even want any kids herself.

Be prepared, you probably will do the facebook stalking again, some days are easier than others. Hormones don't help. He will most likely be a divorce arsehole and currently be looking to move money & hide assets.

Thank you. I know some posters are all about the tough love but, when something is so raw, it feels like being kicked when you’re already down. Most people go through a similar phase and then calm down a bit. There are some posters I’ve noticed who are quick to jump to judgements when most people need sympathy, empathy and practical advice to get them through the first few weeks and months of a horrible split/being left/infidelity.

I have made some progress in the last couple of days and have taken control for the first time. He’s moved most of his stuff out and I will not be texting him unless children-related. ‘Kill him with kindness’ is what I’m aiming for as I think it has more effect than anger.

I have told him (nicely) that I am done with all this. He can have her. I hope she’ll be everything he ever dreamed of. I hope she knows that she has many voids to fill-his lost friends, family, being a dad 24/7, family life etc. it’s all so messed up because of the choices he made and he is well aware of that.
I hope she is worth all the pain he has caused. I hope the betrayal was worth it. The stream of lies.

My life will get better. I fought for my family. I am loyal. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I would make a big effort to not tell him anything else, with the exception of practicalities regarding the children. All those things you want to say to him (or to her), write them on here as much as you need so you get them out of your system. Your pain comes through even on the 'he can have her' message so it's best to keep all those thoughts away from them - they are not on your side and so you should aim to be a closed book to them. Kill them with kindness is not necessary. Go for perfunctory and unemotional if you can.

The next year will be painful and hard but it will also go quickly in many ways. Plan ahead with friends and give yourself things to look forward to, little things are fine, doesn't have to be big holidays or anything. But it makes a difference. Everytime you find yourself thinking of them, force yourself to come up with a counter- thought about something you can look forward to in your future that is nothing to do with him or something you are grateful for.

Well done for taking charge — you already sound much calmer.

At every step, ask yourself are you putting yourself and your kids first, or him? Are you in control, or is he? Aim to be in control - you’ll feel so much better even if the choices you have to make are horrible, at least they’re on your terms. He won’t like you for it, but that’s not relevant anymore - he doesn’t care about you sadly. Only himself.

My guess is that he’s reluctant to rush into divorce because it wouldn’t be in his favour. Keeping things vague gives him a chance to try out his new relationship while knowing he can fall back on you if it doesn’t work out.
Nothing will drive home what he’s lost (maybe not right now, but in the future) than forcing him to live fully with the consequences of his choice, without the comfort of a fallback. Take that safety net away. He may never regret his choice, but it’ll be harder for him to live it if you’re not pandering and making it easy for him.

You are both single parents with independent responsibilities now. His choice, but you need to start setting up your life on your own terms. Right now. Make sure he’s sharing responsibility for the kids so you’re not left with 24/7 childcare. You need to have the time and space to rebuild an independent life - and who knows, maybe even meet someone yourself. It’ll also make his new “single man” lifestyle more complicated. If it’s harder for you to date again, why should it be easy for him? Switch your phone off when you go out while he’s got the kids. Well done for keeping comms to kids only, but don’t use it as an excuse to contact him. Only contact about him about the essential - be really strict with yourself about this.

He’s shown that he either exaggerated his depression as an excuse to leave, or it was situational depression that conveniently lifted once he changed his situation. Either way, he seems perfectly fine now — not remorseful, just relieved. So don’t trust him blindly. He’s not the man you thought you knew. He’s proven he acts in his own self-interest.

I’d be really cautious about what he is or has been planning. He’s fundamentally untrustworthy and unreliable. He may already be moving assets. I hope you’ve gathered all your financial and asset records and have spoken to a solicitor. Have you agreed childcare arrangements with him and filed for CMS?

He’s only been playing nice because it suited him. Don’t be caught off guard when he decides to push forward with the divorce — be ready, and know exactly where you stand. Or pull the trigger yourself if you feel you’re ready and if it benefits you.

Don’t let him live a carefree life at your expense @poppymolly!

@BiggySwish

Thank you for taking the time to write the comment.
i definitely need to make the childcare fairer so will have a think about that. At the moment, he has them for a few hours on a Saturday. He spends more time with HER than his own children which I think is totally wrong.

We only have the house to think about, thankfully. There’s not much else we’d need to sort out financially.

Yes that’s totally wrong. He needs to be taking them at least an evening a week even if he can’t have them overnight. What do you want long term? 50/50?
Do neither of you have pensions?

@BiggySwish
I have a teacher’s pension 20+ years as I started working as soon as I graduated. He has had a pension since he started his new job a few years ago.

I don’t think 50/50 childcare would work as he has a room in his friend’s house but I like the suggestion of him having them for an evening during the week. I’m sure he’d be up for that. I did suggest that he spend time doing homework with them as he’s definitely better at the practical side of that. He said he would do that.

Financially, it’s just the house, which was originally mine until we got married and I added his name to the mortgage. He would like a small amount of cash from the house but that’s it and he’s in no rush for it. Our fixed mortgage deal ends in 2 years.

@Trallers
I will definitely only be texting about our children and I will only do that if I really have to.
To him, I will not show my emotions. I will not mention the situation at all. Just kid talk. I can let this destroy me even more than it already has.

Ok you need legal advice here Op. All assets are on the table and will start with a 50/50 split potentially. Both of your pensions would be added together and the value split 50/50. Your house is a marital asset, he could claim half unless you’ve got something legal in place to protect it. How long have you been married?

In 2 years time he might feel very differently about being generous and walking away with just his pension and a small amount of cash, particularly if he wants to buy somewhere new with the GF.

You need to speak to a solicitor and get legal advice asap.

Get practical, not emotional.

1. Get a STI test. He was probably shagging her way before he left you.
2. Work out what YOU want from a divorce, not what crumbs he's offering.
3. Allow yourself to think that he's a weak man who is not strong enough to uphold his vows to you.
4. If you have joint accounts, divert money to pay the bills. Set up a new bank account (ideally with a different bank to avoid being linked to him) and have your wages/benefits paid into it

@MrsMoastyToasty

1. I don’t think anything happened before he dropped the ‘date’ bombshell. (He went on a date with HER 2 weeks after abandoning us)
2. I want the house back in my name. That’s all.
3. Weak man….100%. He put HIS needs before his family’s.
4. No joint accounts thankfully

You see a solicitor about the divorce and house, because in a few years he may want a house of his own and the cash price he wants from the house will get higher. I take it mortgage just gets taken from your account? You need to find out what he is entitled to regarding house.

@SpryCat
We have spoken about this many times and he has always said that he would never do anything to change our living arrangements. He wouldn’t do that to his children. I believe him, but then I believed many other things he said! I honestly don’t think he would stoop so low.

As for the cash, I have a figure in my head that I haven’t shared with him because he hasn’t shared his with me. I don’t think he has thought about it tbh. In all honesty, I would like to know sooner rather than later how much he is expecting, but at the same time I don’t want to start texting him again.

You didn’t think he’d walk out on his family, and he did. You didn’t think he’d cheat on you - he very likely did (he’s only going to admit to what you found out, he would at least have been talking to her before then. I’m sure he left to chance his arm with her). You didn’t think he’d be the kind of man that spends more time with his girlfriend than his kids. He is. You didn’t think he’d be the kind of man who would throw away everything- reputation, friends, because he couldn’t be bothered with his family anymore. He is. I wouldn’t be basing mine and my kids financial security on the word of a man who has proven himself to be untrustworthy.

If it were me I’d go to a solicitor and seek legal advice asap about about what you are both entitled to, even if you offer significantly less to him and don’t use a solicitor for the divorce (which sounds like it might be in your favour to play it that way). Does he realise if you have the kids 90% of the time he’s got a big maintenance bill coming his way? Has he accounted for that?

He sounds love struck and distracted at the moment, but if someone (mate, parent, new GF) tells him to get legal advice for a divorce he’ll realise what he’s entitled to and he may very well change his tune. When he realises living in his mates spare room is not a long term housing situation, or when he moves in with his gf and needs to pay half her rent / mortgage, he’ll begin wondering why he’s settling for a lump sum. Is he still paying the mortgage and bills? Can you afford the mortgage and bills if he stops paying now?

Don’t offer him anything unless it’s part of a divorce settlement as he could come back for more at a later date, and be entitled to it. He may not wish to upend your living arrangements but if he thinks you can give him 50% equity and still live in the house, he’ll do his own mental gymnastics to justify that.

Take control here Op. Do not sit around waiting for him to give you a figure. Don’t sit around waiting for him to tell you child arrangements he prefers. Decide what arrangements you want for your kids. Look at the whole picture and what gives you the greatest security. He’ll need to find a way to accommodate that even if he’s sat in his mates spare room now - but that might force his hand to find alternative accommodation at which point half the house might come in very handy for him.

Sorry to labour the point, I’ve just seen this scenario play out so many times where one partner gets shafted because they believed their partner would never shaft them but when the chips were down they absolutely did.

@BiggySwish
You’re right. I don’t know who he is anymore. He isn’t man I married so I have no idea if he’ll screw me over. It would be good to come to some kind of agreement with a solicitor, have a signed document stating what he will get when the time comes. He doesn’t understand why I keep bringing it up, but I actually feel really anxious about the future of the house and whether he’ll change his mind.

At the moment, I would struggle to pay everything on my own. He pays half the mortgage and half the bills. In a few years, I will be better off as my youngest goes to secondary and there will be no childcare fees/school trips etc.

I do agree that he needs to have the children more.

I’m not surprised it’s worrying you - he could take your house and your pension from under you and leave you a full time Mum while he plays happy families with his new OW. Or tomorrow he could stop paying the mortgage and bills and leave you high and dry (do claim CMS directly if he does this and then speak to CAB to see if you eligible for any benefits. I hope you’ve already registered as a single person for your council tax).

It’s so so hard to think practically when you’re still reeling emotionally and reevaluating your whole life and the man you thought you knew. But while he’s in cloud cuckoo land you need to get practical - doesn’t mean you have to be hostile or aggressive. Calm, informed and assertive will do nicely.

It will be one less thing to keep you awake at night if you feel protected financially. I do expect when he starts having the kids more it’ll (a) mean little ms cinema club will have to work around his parenting commitments which isn’t the biggest turn on to a woman who doesn’t want kids and (b) it could be when you see his parenting commitments wane OR he’ll realise his current living arrangement as a twenty something single lad with no commitments aren’t going to work.

Don’t bother discussing the house with him until you’re ready to propose a settlement.

@BiggySwish
I’ve applied for the single person council tax. He was more worried that I had given his friend’s address as his forwarding address! He was worried it would affect his friend’s council tax!

Thanks for all the advice!

Good for you! You have pulled it together and faced the inevitable with a lot of grace. A year from now you will be in the midst of your new life and happier for it.

Honestly OP, I would start the divorce proceedings now while he’s hopefully feeling guilty and is distracted with his new girlfriend.
Ive seen many of my friends go through divorce and without fail all the men (even ones who were seemingly lovely before) turned into absolute w*nkers about money.
Get a clean slate as soon as possible, so you know where you stand and can start moving forward. Even if you’re worse off in the short term.
Otherwise, it’ll drag on a few years and he could get a lot more - he could go after half your pension and half the house.
Assume the worst case scenario, do not rely on his good nature. He doesn’t have one.

@MidlifeWondering
Great advice, thank you x

Just have to say that this is my experience too. We weren’t married but we have a house together and my ex has turned into an absolute bastard about the finances. I never thought he’d be so money grabbing as he has turned out to be. He has four other houses but is trying to screw me out of every penny he can from the one asset I have. This is a man who left me and who is kicking me out of our house. He feels no remorse for that at all. Be careful, OP!