Don’t think I can do this…

[poppymolly]

Original post ‘Lost’.

Please give me advice. I have cried for 6 weeks. My husband left and dated someone 2 weeks later. We have 2 children. She is 10 years younger than me, doesn’t want kids, works with him.

I can’t just get over it’ or ‘focus on the positives’, it’s impossible. I spend my days tracking ‘her’ down on Facebook, wondering what they’re doing together. I’m obsessed and so broken. Why is he with her??!! I’m so sad he chose her over me. I can’t get past that. I don’t feel I ever will. No matter what people tell me, I think about them together 24/7. It’s killing me.

I don’t think I can do this.

@whymewhyme
Your message made me smile-100% accurate. He has taken me for a fool for far too long and that stops.

@poppymolly you know him and we don’t. But then everyone who has had a battle financially with exes who have done this probably thought the same. Honestly you have nothing to lose. You don’t need to tell him or even use any of the information you get unless it becomes necessary , you aren’t doing anything wrong, you don’t need to engage a solicitor. Just book a one hour appointment with one - a reputable family lawyer. Take a friend.

It’s just for advice. Stating your financial position, telling them what he had said / promised and discussing possible outcomes. That’s it. Obviously it’s your choice but you have absolutely nothing to lose apart from the fee for an hour (my friend paid £200 for an hour this week) and you will know where you stand if things take an unexpected turn.

@beasmithwentworth
I have a free 30-min call today with a family law solicitor x

Ah good. Sorry I misread and thought you had decided not to. You might want to (to be on the safe side) book an gooey as so much of that half hour is information taking. Anyway. Wise move. I hope it’s a positive call.

Give yourself a big squeeze Op, you’ve gone 3 days nc and you’ve got a 30 min solicitors appointment lined up. These are big wins. Well done 😊

Hope your call goes well OP

@BiggySwish
It has been hard, but I’ve definitely made progress!

If you’ve got a voice recording app on your phone, or Google docs on your laptop (set to voice recording to type function), you can record the call and refer back to it later if you find you get emotional and hard to concentrate.

Keep going, you must celebrate all of these wins and be proud of yourself.

The only piece of paper that’s relevant and binding is the consent order. Anything apart from that is not binding

All of what @StarlightExpresssedsaid! Read this every day op x

I'm so glad to read how you're dealing with him now, although I acknowledge how heartbroken you must be feeling.
Keep this strength up, don't contact him unless it's vital.
I hope he keeps his promise for the house.
You deserve better OP, I hope your pain eases xxx

@Diarygirlqueen
Ashamed to admit that I text him today. I just needed to have a rant! Really disappointed with myself coz:-(

It's easy for me to write don't contact him, but I understand how hard it must be.
Acknowledge your feelings and try and get support. I think you need to cut contact with him to heal. Re your kids, maybe set up a parenting app or only via email. This will give you some sense of control because atm he probably thinks you're acting irrational and crazy. I'm not sure if you want him back, but you're not giving him time to miss you and probably helping their relationship.
I'm wishing you all the luck in the world x

How are you doing @poppymolly ?

@StarlightExpresssed

So kind of you to ask.
Had a bit of a relapse at the weekend and went crazy with the texting. I’m just angry that he’s chosen someone else over me and our kids. I am not a swearer at all usually, but my mouth has been awful! It’s the anger!
I’ve made a fresh start today. No contact unless it’s about the kids. I’m back at work now so that should keep my mind busy.
i woke up this morning and all I could think about was why I wasn’t good enough for him. He fell out of love with me and moved on within two weeks. Hurts so much but I’ve definitely made progress. Fewer tears!

He has fallen out of love and moved on within 2 weeks
he’s just way ahead of you in terms of disconnection. And as hard as it is to distinguish and separate the issues, it’s possible to exit a relationship without exiting from children’s lives.

it’s early days for you and will get easier. I hope in time you can let go of some of this anger otherwise it will eat you up. Perhaps at some point consider counselling or therapy to help. You need to co parent and that will be so much harder if you hold onto it. But as said it’s early days and you’ll have set backs along the way !

@millymollymoomoo
We are amicable for our children’s sake and always will be. I’m not sure I can let go of the anger just yet but I’m trying! Day 1 of no calling and texting.

It’s only week 6 but it feels like 6 months. Hardest thing I’ve ever experienced :-(

So pleased to hear you’re making some progress @poppymolly I know it’s messy but all of the tears and anger, are part of healing. You just need to find a way of channelling that to your advantage so it doesn’t become self destructive.

And I know you are wondering why you weren’t enough, but I would gently challenge that. What if it was never about you not being enough, but about him not being capable of showing up for the long haul. Having kids is hard work, staying in a long relationship isn’t a walk in the park, it takes sustained effort. People who are emotionally unavailable or avoidant often check out long before they physically leave. It sounds like he drifted / disconnected and had stopped engaging but hid a lot of that from you until he’d already decided to move on. That’s emotional abandonment. While it feels fucking awful, in reality it’s nothing you caused and there’s literally nothing you could have done about it. It’s something he allowed. You know he fancied her before he left, she almost certainly gave him the green light before he jumped ship. He’d already been detached so it wasn’t a big deal for him. But he’d done this quietly and selfishly, and without giving you a chance to understand what was going on. You weren’t given a fair fight to save your marriage, and that’s why you’re feeling so angry and wronged now. You just need to find a way to process that betrayal.

You are the strong one here. You’ve stayed and picked up the pieces. Don’t mistake his cowardice for your inadequacy. You are enough and you always were.

I know it’s messy and you probably feel awful that you fell off the wagon at the weekend, but don’t let that set you back. You know that when you lash out at him it’s only you it’s hurting, because sadly he doesn’t give a shit - he’s proven he’s only interested in himself. Don’t waste your energy. 💕

@BiggySwish
You’re so right and I know he doesn’t give a stuff about all of this. Me texting only hurts me. He just ignores it all. Tomorrow is a new day, I will try again! Going to make a promise not to text!

I’ve said all of this to him before. He must have known he stood a chance with her. He didn’t just ask her out on a date and hope that she said yes. He knew what she would say because he had done the ground work in the lead up. I’m not stupid and I’ve told him that. Let’s hope the novelty wears off soon!

I too, became a bit obsessed & bombarded DH with messages when he left. Honestly, it just pushed him towards the OW even more. It gave them another common factor, another thing to "bond" over. The crazy ex wife. So as painful as it is, don't contact him unless it's about the children. I'm sorry you are going through this.

@savethatkitty
You’re so right xxxx

You say you hope the novelty wears off for him but is that what you really want? He has proved to you how unworthy a husband he is, the OW deserves him. I hope one day, once you divorce the bastard and have healed from his betrayal, that she chucks him out and he has another woman waiting in the wings and you see it’s not about love for him, it’s all about his ego. He doesn’t care who he leaves behind as he is a weasel.

@SpryCat
I wouldn’t ever take him back. He’s not the man I married. In fact I have no idea who he is anymore. What I mean is that I’d love for it to all come crashing down on him to make him realise that the grass isn’t always greener. I want him to realise how much he has lost. By that time, I hope that I will have moved on and be so much happier. I want him to feel the pain that we are feeling.

@SpryCat
’Weasel’ made me smile :-)

I know it’s much easier said than done, but the best revenge will be when he sees you’ve moved on and are happy. He sounds like a tw*t. Hurtful and disrespectful as it is that he’s got a girlfriend so fast, I’d try and harness your anger and start the divorce process asap while he’s (hopefully) feeling guilty.
You said the other day you had a solicitor call lined up I think. Hope it went well?