Don’t think I can do this…

[poppymolly]

Original post ‘Lost’.

Please give me advice. I have cried for 6 weeks. My husband left and dated someone 2 weeks later. We have 2 children. She is 10 years younger than me, doesn’t want kids, works with him.

I can’t just get over it’ or ‘focus on the positives’, it’s impossible. I spend my days tracking ‘her’ down on Facebook, wondering what they’re doing together. I’m obsessed and so broken. Why is he with her??!! I’m so sad he chose her over me. I can’t get past that. I don’t feel I ever will. No matter what people tell me, I think about them together 24/7. It’s killing me.

I don’t think I can do this.

@GreenwayHouse
He sounds awful and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’ll need to try to cone to a ‘fair’ arrangement on financials outside court.
are you expecting him to give 100% of house equity ?

that’s not realistic while keeping your teachers pension

you definitely need legal advice as you’ll be expected as part of financial disclosure to give pension valuations to determine overall asset split.

It’s going to be difficult to get a judge to sign off on a consent order which gives you all the equity in the house even if he agrees (unless there’s very little equity). You can sometimes get agreement to 60/40 or more if there are special circumstances but very unlikely that a court would let him walk away with virtually nothing.

And I don’t necessarily agree that he would be a wanker etc. if he asked for a share of the house. That is absolutely his right at least in England and Wales.

@Circe7
He was the one who suggested having some cash at some point. He is not asking for anything else. This is his children’s home/future so he won’t do anything to change that. He probably realises too what a dick he has been and how we have been treated.

Left us 6 weeks ago, got with someone else within2 weeks (had feelings for her while living with us). Told lie after lie, played down their relationship. Surely he won’t continue to hurt us by fighting for the house.

He”s entitled to his share regardless of the reason for the marriage breakdown

noone here can say what that looks like but he should get his share, whether it’s now or deferred.
you need proper legal advice

@millymollymoomoo
He has destroyed our family. He has turned my life upside down. He deserves nothing in my opinion! I owned the house for 11 years before he was added to the mortgage. I paid everything on my own for all that time. I put a huge deposit down. I bought it with inheritance money. I will not lose my house.

OP. I think only people who’ve had this done to them can fully comprehend the world of pain you are in. My husband of ten years - together for 16 told me he ‘found someone better’ (he had an affair and left me).

Sometimes what feels like an explosion is actually a re-birth. But it will take a long time to feel that way.

Now is the time to hold yourself together with dignity and respect. You are worth more. So much more. The trash has taken itself out.

So. Make sure you eat. Make sure you wash every day. Do your hair and put on clean clothes. Show up for your children on the days you don’t have the strength to show up for yourself.

Go and get some legal advice if you haven’t already.

Stop ringing him. Deactivate the social media. Breathe. Don’t play the pick me dance.

You didn’t choose this - but you will make the best of this. I promise

@BrownBirdsFly

Thank you. I do feel sometimes that no one can possibly understand how I feel and it’s very easy for people to tell me to ‘focus on the positives’ and ‘forget him’. In reality, this is so hard and I will never forget him. We were together so long and I still can’t believe this has happened.

I have made progress-day 3 of no texting/emailing/calling. I’m trying the calm, unbothered approach. Inside, it kills me.

I do hope I will have my happy ending too x

You will have a happy ending, it’s just right now it’s feels horrendous.

@SpryCat

Thank you :-)

I feel your pain OP. My husband of 15 years left me four weeks ago after an affair. I have never felt to broken. Just keep breathing. Think about how precious you are to your parents and children. That’s your value. Not what that weak irresponsible man gave you.

@Bienbien

I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time too. Sending you a big hug. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but we’re stronger than we think x

I can understand how unfair it seems morally.

But legally, assuming this is your family home, his conduct and the fact that you contributed more to the house are essentially irrelevant.

And because you really need a consent order to finalise finances and a judge must approve that that is fair, it is very unlikely that you will be able to take the vast majority of your joint assets. Any lawyer advising your husband would strongly advise him not to agree to that.

Of course no one on mumsnet knows your specific circumstances and there may well be a way you can stay in the house so you should get proper legal advice. It’s very common for one party to buy the other out or offset pension against equity for example. It’s possible to get a mesher order or legal charge on the house whereby your husband would get his share at a later date but these are now relatively uncommon and can cause issues with mortgages.

I would also suggest talking to a solicitor before taking any action on divorce because a good solicitor will also advise on timing- it’s probably best for you to proceed as fast as possible while your husband feels guilty and isn’t having the children much but not necessarily.

Morally and legally are very different things

well done on not texting. That’s a big step
forward

make time to get legal advice

Thank you. He is awful though I would never have predicted that he would have behaved so horribly. I didn’t know he had it in him.

Well done for not texting. Think of it as a wound that you will only aggravate if you poke at it. You’ll only end up feeling worse and you’re giving him power if you are messaging and hoping for a reply. The best thing for me was going NC except for house admin matters. I counted the days I hadn’t texted or emailed about anything and gave myself a reward when I got to so many days. And it got to a point when I forgot to count because I stopped thinking about getting in touch with him. That will happen to you too.

I also want to say OP that a lot of the advice you’ve been given here about splitting of the finances etc is quite correct -but also people perhaps don’t understand how vulnerable and broken you are at the moment and how painful it is to hear.

I walked into a solicitors office to be told it’s all no fault. The starting point is he gets half of everything. You’ve already had someone take your future, your stability, destroy your self esteem and now you’re going to potentially lose the family home and all your financial stability! It all feels way too much.

I took on four jobs and worked 60 hours a week to keep the family home. All while he continued the affair. I can tell you - nothing about this is fair.

I told myself on repeat that life’s not fair. You have done so well to not text/message etc. I soon realised he didn’t care when I text him saying how sad I was at the loss of the family and how I couldn’t believe what he’d done etc. I was just giving him power. You are now on opposite sides of the table. Fight for the best deal you can because this is the basis for your new life. One day, you start to have a tiny glimpse where you feel better and this becomes more often each day. I still have sad days a couple of years down the line and it’s ok - please DM if you need x

Good advice. Similar happened to me. As others have said.. you are completely broken at the moment. I became obsessed with knowing the truth about the OW .. (I even hired a PI to follow him - I am not this kind of person normally but I was a complete mess). I know you don’t feel ready to face the finances or legalities just yet but 100% agree with striking whilst he feels guilty.

seeking legal advice and even physically getting my head in order enough to see a solicitor was the last thing I felt capable of. I was pregnant and heartbroken - so I asked a friend to sit down and write a list of questions with me. She came with me to the appointment. I sobbed. She asked the questions and wrote the answers down. It was awful but very valuable from a ‘knowing exactly where you stand’ viewpoint and dare I say it even I little empowering!

Also - the best advice someone gave me (on here actually) was not to presume that he would do x or y or would never do Z when it comes to financial (or other situations) . He has already shown you that he is capable of things and of acting in certain ways that you never expected. Don’t assume anything.

it will be a whole before you can ‘see the positives’ as people IRL are advising you to do. It’s impossible to see anything too positive at the moment. You just need to focus on one step in front of the other and getting through each day. You’ll get yourself back gradually. And well done on NC. Keep it up if you can.

Yes but the law does not work 'he cheated on me so I should get more money'

Our judge did.

I have been where you are and reading you're post has almost triggered me, I can honestly feel all you're emotions. It isnt fair what he is doing but he is doing them wheather you like it or not. He's clearly a silly dick head who's thrown everything he built away for someone because she's younger, shiney,new and free! it will wear off....always does. You seem upset about it being 2 week but sweetie he's been in a relationship with her while he was married to you, you just didn't know it.
What I will say is conserve your energy, you're going to need it later down the line.

My advice would be ( wish I'd done sooner) let him crack on, let him turn his fone off and be with her, your FAR to good for him, keep your dignity and your powder dry, take the emotion out of it....I know... i know its hard!!! Your enraged with anger and consumed by the hurt and confused because who the fuck is this man, who the fuck spent all those years with you and where the hell did he go. 3yrs on and i still wonder that now!
Stope stalking them both and Communicate about the kids nothing else and grey rock himon everything else. Get your finances in order, claim the right benifits you can do this on you're own.

Most importantly let her have him, if he can walk out on you,you're children and everything you've built she doesn't stand a chance.
They won't see that though and have a good laugh at that
From what you've said it sounds to me like he loving having her and having you obsessing over him. Don't let him, again gray rock and also let him hate you comment lol the man is a joke, he doesn't want to be with you but he doesn't want to move out with all his shit, nahhh sorry mate! What i take from that comment is 'behave or things will get nasty, do as i say and i will move my stuff when i say,not you." He is aman Child who is LOVING it. Bag his stuff up, message him "you're shits on the drive" or whatever. He doesn't call the shots, he wants out then GET OUT!

Sorry I'm probably not very helpful at all but just know you're not alone I've had some amazing support on mumsnet when I was going through it!

I like this very much .
nothing like children to make a younger child free woman run for the hills .

It’s precisely because I see the op is broken that I’m saying what I am

likely that once op ex seeks legal advice , which he will, he’ll be told to aim
for 50:50 asset split - inc house and pension. Whether that’s ’fair’s or not i have no idea. Whether it might be balanced more to one party or not I don’t know,
but it doesnt matter who paid for what or who broke the marriage. The law doesn’t care about that. It cares that both parties have adequate housing to accommodate children and that both leave on a equal
footing ( which does not mean the same)

so yes op is in a state of despair right now , that is highly understandable and plain to see, but also needs to understand that until financials are sorted things, wants, expectations are changeable. I’m not saying op needs to do anything right now other than get advice from a solicitor. Then she can decide what to do in terms of wait until she feels stronger or push on

the emotions will take months and months. And while op may always feel a sense of betrayal the best thing for op and her children is to get to a place of at least civility with her ex, nor hold onto that anger. Not because he deserves but because op does along with her children. I understand it’s too soon to see that however.

My husband left and dated someone 2 weeks later.

I think OP is saying he didnt leave because of OW, He started dating someone soon (weeks) after he told OP he wanted to end the marriage, I think is what OP is saying. He currently rents a room in someone else's house, he's not living with the person he started dating after he left the marriage. Is that all correct?

Why did he say he left the marriage, OP?

@lljkk

He is living rent-free in a room a mutual friend’s house. Not living with her.
Told me he had feelings for OW while living with us. Left the house, had a sneaky date 2 weeks later-only caught out because I had access to his emails!

@BrownBirdsFly@beasmithwentworth@Renabrook

I may be being OTT seeking legal advice, but I’m angry and anxious. He has told me time and time again that he would like a small amount of cash and that’s it. My mortgage advisor has said that this is possibly anytime-either before our fixed rate deal is up or after. Very easy to do too. I honestly don’t think he would get nasty about this. I would just like something in place, a piece of paper signed by him that states that he will have x amount and that’s it.