What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

Mate, ignore it. That poster is obviously just getting at you because the DD has made out that she’s above the family court system and isn’t giving an accurate reflection of how things work these days. Things have changed a hell of a lot, you’re completely right. Hope you’re ok

@Worriedsickmostofthetime Around 10/11 more weight is given. Yes, your analysis is what happens.

i see 2024 data is not good enough! Bizarre. Any parents can avoid court if they agree. Many cannot.

What has that data got to do with the question though? Absolutely nothing. You’re ignoring the fact that this post is about parents who do want a 50/50 split.

I know you desperately want to keep dishing out what you think is sound legal advice because your DD studied law but come on now, screenshotting irrelevant data is what’s bizarre here. In fact, had fantabulous lawyer DD done similar without citing her sources she’d be laughed out of court.

Thank you.

It actually does. It shows that overall women are the main carers. There are various reasons for this but one could be it’s best for dc and dogma isn’t.

What are you going on about?

@sealprincess has explained her situation and your input is irrelevant. You have no idea of her personal situation and how and why the courts came to the agreement they did. She’s right, you sound patronising as hell with your constant come backs.

She obviously didn’t want 50:50 but that IS the starting point now, regardless of what you say. The way you’re going on, you make it sound like she didn’t try hard enough which is obviously rubbish.

Read the room pal!

Who said women aren’t the main carers? Nobody. Because that’s not what this thread is about.

Your ramblings are completely irrelevant to the thread and to the poster you made to feel like shit despite being completely and utterly wrong.

I know you’ve got stars in your eyes because DD is super duper but honestly, if you showed her this thread she’d be cringing.

She’d be cringing alright! 😂

It 100% depends on the parents

It can’t possibly be because dad wants to see his kids?

My brother wanted 50:50. Actually he wanted to be the primary carer as he had been before his ex had an affair and told him to leave. Nothing to do with money.

in fact the money issues came from her. They lived in the se and she couldn’t afford to buy him out. So that meant she got the house and car, leaving him with nothing. She also needed CMS to afford the mortgage so refused 50:50 anyway.

so as much as he would have liked 50:50, sofa surfing and then a shared house meant it wasn’t a suitable environment for his kids to stay. He started working all hours to pay cms and save for a deposit/money for a better place. Chased his tail for 10 years as the more he earned the more she got in CMS, so it was to her benefit again. Used our parents for childcare.

his now adult kids are now NC with him because of his ex’s lies- he had an affair and left, he wouldn’t pay CMS, he didn’t want them overnight, etc etc.

it’s not always as simple as maintenance. Most families can’t split their household income and assets to support two family households. One average 3 bed house will not split into two 3 bed houses so the kids can have their own rooms etc.

his kids obviously have serious issues now. They would have been much better with a 50:50 split with both parents in a property where they felt comfortable, the parents lifestyles were more equitable and there was no fighting over him never paying enough money or how much he saw the kids.

There was a really good thread on MN a few years ago when I was going through the courts with my own children.

I think 50/50 is ridiculous- it is the court’s way out to appease both parents and give them what’s’fair’ and not putting the needs of the child first at all.

we have 50/50 we are getting on with it, but it’s basically not fair on the child.

weirdly any friend I’ve got who is divorced from a much nicer more amenable person than my ex has gone for 50/50 too because it’s ‘fair’ and they’ve not gone through the courts.

If you're doing 50:50 but you think it's not best for your children, why not voluntarily let the other parent have them more?

If you don’t think 50:50 is fair, then as a pp has just me mentioned (and made a great point) why not offer to let dad have your child more so then they won’t have to ‘endure’ 50:50?

The thing that's frustrating is that actually, if both parents are actually good, engaged, proactive parents, then it seems to me that of course 50:50 is usually the best option.

But that ignores the fact that actually, it's very seldom the case. And let's be honest, in many cases, a key reason for the split is that man has NOT stepped up.

DD's BFF's parents are 50:50. It works brilliantly. They're both super flexible, both prioritise their DD, it seems pretty clear that her care when with either parent is very similar etc. This is in contrast to another friend whose marriage was a bit shakey for a long time - he didn't really step up with the children, resented home life, wanted her to make things as easy and "calm" and smooth as possible for him at all times until eventually he went off and had an affair and now he has the DC every second Saturday and takes them for tea on a Friday evening....

You can use Google to find it. There's a lot from Scandinavia where 50:50 has been the norm for some time. If she is very against 50:50 then she could always ask ex-H to have them most of the time, pay him maintenance, and arrange to collect them every other weekend.

I think that, even if there were statistics to show 50/50 was good, bad or indifferent for Dc, it would not be that helpful as the reality of how it pans out is dependent on so many individual factors and context: personality of all involved, ages of DC, location of homes, relationship between DC and each parent etc etc. I can't see that any consensus can be reached. The main thing is to think about what is best for DC and not what is best for parents.

I have always shared care of my DC (split when he was 1) with his father, mostly nearly 50/50 split. No maintenance paid anyway so it wasn't affected by that. Id say it hasn't been ideal for DC but he does have a very solid relationship with his father so there's that. There can be positives and negatives and it's hard to analyse and assign weight to each to work out whether it's actually better or worse.

Id say in general that DC are better off spending more time in a main home with their primary carer if one parent undertakes significantly more childcare prior to the split and if dc are younger, say below 10. In some cases it could work to build up to 50/50. Week on/week off might suit a teen but would be less suitable for a 5 yo for example.

I think EOW and one tea time or overnight per week is a good compromise if 50/50 is deemed unsuitable.

It's actually what happens to me right now. Weekend dad suddenly wants 50/50 but only full weeks. I offered many other potential arrangements to start seeing her more gradually but he only wants 50/50. She is 7 years old and it came with sudden increase of his income and his daughter not qualifying for CM anymore (20yo) so he means he would pay more to me.what he is paying now is not even close to expenses I pay. I work full time and raised her alone after leaving him in a very high conflict situation (with him having her irregularly at the beginning and very rarely to 1 weekend every 2 weeks as said it was max he could do).He never asked me to see her more, never offered to help even when I was struggling with full time job and little child. His parenting is tablet and putting her to bed with TV on until she sleeps. She has completely different structure at home - bed time with reading and cuddles, we have to do homework, phonics etc She is very emotional and needs a lot of reassurance. I'm really worried and don't feel 50/50 is right decision. Especially so suddenly.

I think it’s hard though, to say that you would be willing to see your children only one or two days a week even if you think that’s what’s best for them. I don’t know if I could do it.

This.

We do 50/50. It works well and has done for two years. We have no new partners in the mix. DC in family home 100%.

DC would be devastated and damaged if their dad had them less than I do. It would send the message they aren’t good enough for him. The message during our split was “we don’t love each other anymore, but we still love you” - how does an EOW setup demonstrate that?

I never understand the attitude that women are incredulous that their husbands, the literal other half of their children might want 50/50. And SHOCK HORROR for reasons other than money. Maybe because they love their children and want to lose as little time with them as possible. Our children are older but we would have done the same if they were younger.

50:50 works well for us. We live close by and have a very healthy coparent relationship. We both work full time to enable us to maintain our own houses. So it’s a necessity really. Children are young so I expect this may change once they get a bit older and want to spend time with friends. I’m not sure how I’d feel if they preferred dads house over mine though.

I think 50/50 is probably more about parents needs and wants than DC.
I would hate not having a continuous stable home base and having to flit between 2 different houses all of the time, personally I would find that unsettling so I think it's also unfair on DC.
How do you split possessions and clothes?
What happens with appointments and clubs and play dates are these split 50/50 so it's not all crammed in one half of the week or mainly down to one parent?
Who takes the lead on world book day, nativity, go dressed as an Egyptian costumes etc at school?
Which parent do you ask if you want a friend round to play after school or a sleepover?
Does the parent who has them for a club night pay for everything to do the club or are fees split 50/50? What happens if there's a fixture or gala on the other parents day?
Basically you'd need an excellent relationship with your respectful with brilliant communication, with your ex which let's be honest is unlikely if you've just divorced.
I would be really interested to see the studies that say it's best for DC but suspect right now there isn't any as it's a fairly new thing so time will tell and when the DC become adults society will have a better understanding of how the DC found it.

I think it can work but it rarely does. Growing up i had a friend who was a 50/50 child but her parents found the perfectly solution. The kids stayed in their home 100% of the time and it was the parents that moved in an out. Both of them had new relationships and lived with their new partner when they didn’t have their week with the kids. Obviously not possible for most families but I was so envious of my friend as I had to go visit my absent parent every other weekend and inevitably missed out on social things. My friend didn’t, her parents worked the situation around her (and her younger brother) rather than uprooting them

This is quite an unhelpful post for the divorce & separation board but in case this helps others here are some replies of how I do it.

How do you split possessions and clothes?
Half clothes at each place but if, say, one parent is taking the child away for a week, the other might pack a bag with some extra clothes which then get returned.
Half toys at each place. They often seem to get played with more…it’s a bit like toy rotation? The toy they sleep with can go between.

What happens with appointments and clubs and play dates are these split 50/50 so it's not all crammed in one half of the week or mainly down to one parent?
Ideally split 50/50. In my experience my ex wants some time to himself so is happy for DC to do clubs & have friends over.

Who takes the lead on world book day, nativity, go dressed as an Egyptian costumes etc at school?
Whoever has them the weekend before. Although in my case my ex never did this & still doesn’t so I just make sure we get these things made in time & they are packed into the school bag ready.

Which parent do you ask if you want a friend round to play after school or a sleepover?
whichever parent you ask is the one who organizes it.

Does the parent who has them for a club night pay for everything to do the club or are fees split 50/50?
This is a financial question not a coparenting question. The finances are settled separately from coparenting.

What happens if there's a fixture or gala on the other parents day?
Both parents can go. You don’t have to sit together!

Basically you'd need an excellent relationship with your respectful with brilliant communication, with your ex.
no you don’t. My relationship & communication with my ex is terrible but we still manage all the above because it’s not rocket science!

no you dont need excellent communication. You just accept that you do all the parenting other than direct face to face childcare, which you half or more of (more because ex will drop out when it suits him). So your child still has stability because they understand they go to you for everything. And sometimes hang out with daddy

@Dutchhouse14
I think 50/50 is probably more about parents needs and wants than DC

I think we all know that’s nonsense. Having your kids see each of their parents equally amid a relationship breakdown is quite the opposite. It’s putting the emotional needs of the children first. More important than how they split their belongings and handle bloody World Book Day (which is all common sense!)