What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

I also agree with PP that there are Fathers who only want 50/50 when they realise they don’t have to pay maintenance to their Ex if they do. I know a Father who does this. His job doesn’t actually enable him to care for the kids 50/50, so his parents do the bulk of the caring during ‘his’ time.

I think it is unhealthy to be bouncing children between two households. It’s very disorienting and stressful. My thoughts are that this has been the chosen route legally to give women the chance to work and not be lumbered with raising the children alone, and in fairness to the father given his role as a parent. It is done to avoid discrimination rather than for the child if that makes sense.

The child would be far better off in one stable place with constant caregivers.

Who is we? I don't know you and you don't know me.
In almost all parts of the world it's normal for two parents to get married and have kids, are you talking about some kind of hippy commune where everyone is a parent figure?

Also what's your definition of successful? It's usually becoming a doctor or a lawyer on Mumsnet right? Doctors a respected profession in India and China guess what people still have two parents in those countries.

Where's the evidence for your statement?

I agree with this

I wouldn’t want to shuttle between 2 homes every few days so why should I expect my child to be happy with it

50/50 is more about parents than it is children

I find it pretty awful but my ex is abusive. I pay the lions share and I am thd one who usually had to take time off work for school issues, do all the appointments etc. if I chase him for him to do his share I’m just ignored 90% of the time.

A lot of women believe that men should be punished with limited access to children if they allowed the relationship to become untenable. So 50/50 for them is hearing that the man gets to dump her AND still see his kids as much as her. It feels very unfair.

I don't think it's good for the children and that is why I will plod on and plan to leave when my youngest reaches end of A-Levels

Isn’t nesting the best choice for children. The only problem with it is it is virtually impossible to sustain.

I’ve never known this to end well. Why would you turn your kids world upside down just as they are starting out in life? University, jobs, relationships. All ruined because their Mum decided this was a convenient time to make it clear that their parents relationship and therefore their childhood had all been a lie.

If you want to leave then leave. If you want to “plod on” then at least do it until they are actually grown and settled, say 30ish? Pretending it’s for the kids and not for selfish reasons is laughable

No. It’s the best choice for parents who are tight and don’t want to pay for 2 full and well rounded households. “Nesting” is just more modern crap that people claim is for the kids when it’s not, it’s for financial reasons

Because I know my kids and I know they wouldn't thrive having to go from house to house every week or every 3 days or whatever. I don't get why you say I am being selfish.

I work full time and can support myself and without any man, in case you think I am some SAHM living off the husband's money

"It's all about money and it doesn't work. Anyone with first-hand knowledge of it working is lying"

Amazing.

In order for it to work well the houses need to be fairly close and both equally set up for kids in terms of clothes/ toys/ school paraphernalia. Parents need to be equal in sharing the mental load/organising childcare / doctors/ play dates. So the children have two homes not a home and a house they visit half the week.

We started three nights at exh and four at mine. Then he dropped it to eow and a night in week, then when he moved a hour away one weekend a month. They are adults now and see him about 5 times a year.

I am divorced and the agreement was 2 nights a week to ex. He only did that to reduce payments. As it turns out he’d very very rarely do 2 x nights a week, it was usually 0.
I was totally fine with this because seeing them have to be carted around throughout the week was unsettling and stressful for the dc.

My advice to mothers is to just let them pay less and keep the dc with you. What I found over time that even my awful ex felt he wanted to pay more for ‘non essentials’ like new trainers, football boots, coats etc. so it all worked out in the end.

50:50 works for some families and not for others and it's extremely hard to evidence ahead of events what will work for individual set ups. When 50:50 works (and the logistics are often extremely complicated in order to make things work smoothly for the children) it's undoubtedly a great way to maintain relationships after divorce. But there are so very many variables that I wouldn't venture to generalise.

It works for us but I would say it’s very free flow and child led/ child focused. Live close by/ no new partners or children to feel put out by.

It’s difficult to carve out time for myself though as although it’s 50/50 it’s not a clear schedule apart from meals.

I'm not personally convinced that children free flowing between households is a great idea. Adults should be running the show and children need to understand that everyone has boundaries.

The idea of 50/50 is very difficult to fulfill in practice as you will still realistically get a lead parent who does clubs, medical stuff, school stuff, etc. If this is the same person who the child also emotionally see as lead parent, then unfortunately they feel
they aren’t at home fully, for half the week. As lead parent in my set up there is nothing I can do about this except support my kid as best I practically can - I can’t force my ex to be as good as me, he just isn’t. It’s sad for the kids and I feel sad about it but I can’t demand that they live more of the time with me, not can I really afford it (time, more than money - demanding job), nor would I get any maintenance if I did. So I manage our lives as best I can and for the sake of peace I indulge this fiction tjat we’re doing 50/50, whereas really I’m the parent and hes a part time babysitter that gives me enough time to earn a living and get the house organized

I think there are a mothers have insecurities about this ever happening to them so they say it’s not good for the children bla bla but research shows that seeing a dad EOW and for tea one night a week isn’t as beneficial to the child in comparison to having a much closer bond.

Makes me laugh when people say about having one base but that inevitably means much less contact with the non resident parent, which isn’t great for the kids relationship with the other parent… how is preventing them seeing their dad as much as possible better for the kid?… it’s not.

Also makes me laugh when people say about EOW but only when it’s regarding dad. They wouldn’t be happy if it was them that only had EOW. Hypocritical much!

Some mothers use their kids as a tool to punish their ex if he had an affair for example and that is despicable.

Some mothers will also want to make sure it’s not 50:50 for financial reasons and to mark sure they are the ‘main caregiver’.

The same thing can be said about fathers wanting custody to get out of paying maintenance which is also despicable

50:50 doenst necessarily mean 7 days at mams and 7 days at dads, it mostly means they children have two loving homes with 2 fantastic parents and the children. It’s cousin he 4 nights mam 3 nights with dad

It can only work properly when you have to good parents to start off with. It doesn’t work if there is spite, resentment, selfishness, greed on either side.

1-They feel loved by both parents as it’s evident both parents want to spend as much time as possible.

2-They don’t grow up feeling abandoned by particularly dad.

3-If 50:50 works well, then it shows how happy healthy relationships with adults work and sets a great standard, rather than the two options of dad was abusive and that’s what I know so my BF is abusive too or dad left didn’t care and now I struggle to maintain relationships…

If a dad is a great dad, there is now way it is better for the child to only see him EOW regardless of what nonsense people say on here. If he’s a shit dad it’s a different story

Personally I hated it. But my mum moved town (cheaper apparently) so I was forever on buses or in the car. I always forgot my
stuff and I’m actually feeling quite teary just writing this. I’m not sure what the answer is though. Maybe it’s for parents to suck it up and prioritise their children. There is a lot of bullshit about kids being happier with happy divorced parents, but this was not my
experience.

There are boundaries of course but that’s largely due to schedules. Obviously people are at school and work and there’s extra curricular stuff too. Free flow is for the gaps when there aren’t plans, so yesterday I did breakfast took eldest too a thing, ex did lunch for remaining Dc. I came back around 2 and younger dc helped me wash / clean the car and came for a dog walk. They could of chosen to be at ex’s or bike ride or trampoline or hang out in my house type stuff as no specific plans.

It might not be for everyone but it works for us. Dc are getting older though youngest is ten and we really only started doing 50/50 when they (twins) were about 8.

I do think 50/50 is much more workable with older children. Especially as they become more autonomous and have social lives and slso for ferrying around two parents with two cars for when logistics say you are going in opposite directions.

I Have no agenda but what I have seen in this:

My children’s dad would see them 3 days a month and no more even in really bad situations like when one was in hospital after a car accident (all fine with some stitches.) He paid the minimum and did the minimum and is abusive to his current wife in front of them. Coercive and controlling behaviour.
My research at the time said it was better for kids to see an abusive dad than not see their dad at all. Who knows if that is true. He definitely did not want 50 50 but I would have fought is because of his behaviour. If we had stayed together the kids would have been raised in an abusive home with violence so I think our solution was the “least worst” for us in the circumstances. They are 16 and 18 now.

My current boyfriend who I don’t live with has his children 50/50 and pays for absolutely everything for them for both houses. He also gives their mum £200 as he earns more than her. He is paying for driving lessons etc. I agree with this as he earns a lot more money so that part is good.
But on 2 of the days he has them his mum comes over whilst he is at work, cleans the house, does his food shopping and cooks them all tea. He pays for the food shopping but I still find that amazing and I think if he was female he wouldn’t get that help. (As a female single parent I got no help whatsoever and no one else I know did either). She has made comments that imply she thinks he needs help as he is male. I don’t think he would cope with the arrangement without his mums help.
The children’s mum shows a real lack of interest and will make excuses not to have the children on the days she is meant to and sometimes actually lies that she is away for the weekend so he keeps them for extra days and then the children bump into her so she isn’t away at all. On Mother’s Day she took her own mum out for lunch so he had the kids for an extra day as she was busy. I did point out that it might be nice for them to see their mum on Mother’s Day especially since she is meant to have them on a Sunday but no. On their birthdays and her birthday she makes excuses not to see them. So the children do gravitate more to dads house and so the split is more 60/40 but he isn’t doing the 60 as his mum helps so much. He is probably the best dad I know but between the 2 of them they both don’t address really important issues with the children. Eg the youngest has a real issue with eating and needs to at the very least see a counsellor. I’ve raised it several times but neither of them will sort it. I live in my own house so there is only so much I can do.
The children do not like the chaos of going back and forth and get very stressed out with it. Ideally they would like to live with dad full time and the mum would like to be rid of them (sadly) but he pushes back and says it is her responsibility to at least have them half the time. He takes them to drs, dentist, college enrolment etc. So I don’t think the 50 50 works for the kids and I think he should just have them full time and the mum should have them for tea a couple of nights a week when she is not “busy.”

I think it's more workable when there aren't stepparents and other children on the scene. Having unpredictable children coming and going is a nightmare for stepmothers ;)

It can absolutely work but I agree it takes a certain set of circumstances for it to do so, which often aren’t possible. It also depends on the child. XH and I do 50/50, and DC specifically asked for it to be that way (we both as parents also wanted that)

BUT it works because we live quite near each other, and co-parent well together. It took a massive effort on my part to get on good terms with him as we split due to his affair but I could see it was the only way it would work

We text most days, are always willing to drop stuff off when needed, we both pay equally for anything like wrap around care, school trips etc regardless of whose day it is. I tend to do more of the doctors appt etc but only because I WFH in a flexible role and live next to the school. But if I can’t do it he absolutely will.

As DC gets older, they may want more of a base and that’s fine; but right now they want equal time with both parents.

He was a crap husband but is a good father, and DC gets a lot of benefit from having a close relationship with both of us.

If we weren’t able to function so well as a co-parenting team it would be very different

50/50 is good for the children in terms of being able to spend time with both parents but it is disruptive for them and they inevitably have a house they prefer and see as home. When they get older they often choose who to stay with.

My SC spent a week with us and a week with their mum, Monday to Monday for years. I'm sure they felt dragged from pillar to post and were wanting to change the 50/50 arrangement for a year or so before daring to raise it with their mum. They now see her eow.