What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

Absolutely I think there’s a big difference in parents organising their lives in order to effectively to share care and children having to slot in to shared care especially around step parents and step siblings.

I’ve personally made the choice not to date until dc are adults. I think living with a step parent is often really hard for teenagers.

And step siblings! How could you make your kids do that. You can date tho, on 50/50 - you just can’t move someone in, which, ok a lot of men are actually looking for their new mummy and won’t like that, but the decent ones will get it

Your kids won’t live with you forever. And if they do - well when they’re adults, if they’re living woth ukj for convenience while working or studying, I think it’s a bit different to have a long term partner in the house - if they don’t like it they can move out and pay rent. For kids - no. It’s their home and they have no options.

My dc are teenagers and we have known a number of families where 50:50 has been put in place during the primary school years.

From what I have seen, it works best when the divorce is reasonably amicable, no abuse, financially stable parents, and both homes are close to each other.

But this doesn’t tend to be the reality for most. We have seen a number of families where 50:50 has been used by one parent to continue controlling the other financially and emotionally. Abusive communication. Very different parenting styles leading to big confusion for the dc. And rather than having 2 equal homes, the dc end up feeling that they don’t have a proper home. Especially when new partners and more dc get added to the mix.

The rights of the dc to a settled, stable home life tend to get ignored.

I could date but possibly honestly just knackered. I don’t think I’d want to date a man with dependent children either which seems unfair. I live rurally too so slim pickings.

At some point when dc are grown I will sell the rural idyll and go live somewhere more city based. Then I’ll consider it, I think I’m content though being alone rather than settling for someone who wants free childcare, a cocklodger or a nurse with a purse. It possibly would be nice to meet someone fabulous and well adjusted who was happy to see me in a Wednesday evening and wait a decade to move the relationship along but I’m not liking my odds.

50/50 is not really in the children's interest atleast not when they are young. Some partners prefer this in order to not pay CMS/to have a week to relax on/because they can't make it work otherwise.

There is no 'better', it should be down to the individual families and circumstances. We did 50/50 and it worked brilliantly - so brilliantly in fact my DC have pretty much carried on doing it outside of teenage years, difference is now they drive themselves between homes and decide when they want to come and go.

I didn’t mention money, you did. This is a thread about 50/50 time with the kids so I assume that your selfish reason for throwing a grenade into their lives at age 18 is because you don’t want to share.

“I know my kids” is always the line trotted out but you don’t know your kids as young adults.

One example was a kid I know , bright, A star Oxbridge achiever. Happy, friendly, ambitious. His
Mum, my friend, saw it as her job to plod on and get them to adulthood so they could “choose” to be with her. What happened was the kid left for uni knowing that there was turmoil at home and that his teenage years had been a lie. He thought his parents were rubbing along well and the realisation that his mum had been so unhappy but hiding it left him with immense confusion and guilt.

Let’s just say that no matter how she has tried to tell him that it isn’t his fault, that it was entirely her etc etc. he reacted in a way none of us could ever imagine. Spends his days in his room mostly now, he’s 22 and severely depressed. It knocked him for six.

He is one of several examples I know. If you are unhappy you should leave. The kids can choose to stay home as teenagers anyway and you are doing them no favours by waiting until they’re 18.

I completely agree.

When we split, my child was 13 and didn’t want to split time between houses so they didn’t. She stayed with me and her dad would go for meals with her, take her on holiday, go to sport etc and she would occasionally have nights at his place when I was going out or she wanted to. I’d say she had about 30 nights a year with him plus two holidays.

It suited us and to be fair to him, on the days he didn’t see her, he always called or sent her a message. I think the keeping in contact is more essential than where they sleep.

As I didn’t want another relationship, it didn’t bother me at all as I like having her around. Her dad has a long term partner but she likes her and I’ve met her a few times and she is nice so no big deal.

I’ve seen it work really well but in all cases the parents were amicable, no money worries either, huge difference in how things work. Best arrangement I’ve seen though is my friend with a very severely disabled child, the parents take it in turns to look after her in the former marital home and stay with new partner now (previously their parents) the rest of the time though when things have been particularly difficult they will both take care of her. As the child has now reached 18, social services are arranging to transfer the house (council) into the daughters name and a care package is being put together so the parents can have lives, 24/7 nursing is so hard

@Lovelysummerdays Ferrying around works when parents live quite near to each other. If they are 25 miles apart, dc have different lives at each house. It’s very difficult to say these dc are having a great social life by being 50:50. Often dc want a home where they can see school friends. They don’t want to miles away missing out.

The best thing for the child, if parents aren’t together, is that the children stay in their house and the parents alternate. In reality this rarely happens for all sorts of reasons.

Living 25 miles away is a lot but it’s also a choice. I live close to my ex to facilitate 50/50 but everyone has different circumstances/ choices.

We also had a very similar arrangement.
Mums house was primary residence and dad took kids out for meals, attended sports, went on holidays together, fetched and carried when he could and kids stayed over on a more casual basis on the weekends. Contact via phone and message everyday. Obviously works better with older kids but I believe it helped them to have one home base from which to operate instead of moving around which can be disruptive.

@Lovelysummerdays Yes. That’s why it works. Unfortunately many parents don’t have enough capital to get houses near each other if they each need 3/4 bedrooms. It’s partly responsible for pushing up house prices and often one parent stays near school. The other can end up anywhere so a pragmatic approach has to be taken.

Surely spending time with each parent is best for the kids? Why would it be better any other way?

@BeerAndMusic Of course spending some time with each parent is preferable but capabilities of the parents matter too. Parents cannot, normally, both work part time for example. Most people need their jobs. It’s important homes are stable and money is there to maintain two homes. This ends up being the reality of a split. Dc need stability and passing them around because a parent demands their “share” is not the best for dc if that compromises other aspects of their lives.

What about what's best for the children? Your post was all about you and what you want.

If a woman parented her children like your boyfriend does, no one would ever say she was the best mother they knew. Those poor kids will be feeling so unwanted by both parents.

You don't know how he would've turned out if they'd got divorced when he was a child. You're comparing them splitting when he's 18 vs staying together.

So? I know how he reacted at 18. His issue is with the delay in his mum acting on her unhappiness and his belief that she suffered for him when he thought it was all ok. He had to deal with it whilst dealing with becoming an adult, leaving home, starting uni, making new friends. The pressure was too much at that time.

There are many similar tales

I think it is best and they certainly has no complaints. They are 14/17 and have had this for 2 years. I stayed in the family home so they feel closer to this house than mums which is a mile away so they just walk between houses.

Everything stayed the same for them here (furniture etc). Obviously have a real close bond to my son with football but also close to daughter with trash tv and shopping so they like spending time here (tbh like any teenager its either in their room or out with friends).

If anything I guess (especially as I had them full time for the first 3 months) it should have been me that asked for say 75% but that would never have been agreed by mum and would never have got agreed in a court either had I pushed.

And of course it has to suit the parent too - lots of variables in play for that like work etc. and I see nothing wrong with wanting to spend as much time as possible with that child.

Yeah similar tales where people don't know what would have happened if the parents divorced when they were a child.

Divorced parents during childhood - having to go between houses, abusive step parents, step and half siblings, money stress, resentents, not feeling like you belong anywhere... that's what can happen to child who's parents split when they're young.

Your friend was trying to do what's best for him. It didn't work out but you can't say the alternative is better.

There’s loads of dc who do this with perfectly happy parents! It’s just what it is!

I think it’s very odd that parents write about dc as percentages. The needs of dc always come first. Not your % need. 1 mile between houses is nothing but dc do often see parents claiming equal rights to them and not listening to dc who really might like just one bed!