What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

The evidence is it's best to live in one house with both parents together but obviously life doesn't always work out that way so 50/50 is the only solution unless you'd be ok with being the parent that only sees their kids once a fortnight following a separation?

Well, I grew up seeing my dad for a day a week, so there are definitely other ways that are more in the middle.

My view is, it actually rarely works! Purely due to logistics most commonly. If non resident parent moves away from school area it often ends up making more sense child lives in the week with parent most convenient to school.
Regarding attachment, the prime age to embed this is birth to around 18 months and after that other developmental needs begin to take precedence.
I haven't seen 50/50 be agreed in court very often but, then again, if you've needed to go to court this in itself demonstrates there are issues that would make 50/50 difficult.

I’ve seen it work well, but only when the father finds another woman to take on the mothering/parenting during his time.

Has your friend always worked full time as well as raising children? If not, it’s not right to say her ex hasn’t done 50% of children related things so far.

50:50 can work but relies on

parents living pretty close
an Ability to co parent even if not ‘friends’

of course those saying it’s fine to do eiw would never accept that arrangement if they were the ones with eow access

of course it doesn’t always work and it’s not always best. But there are many cases where it is suitable

50/50 seems more common these days but, I agree, I am not convinced it is always in the best interests of the children. I posted a thread not that long ago along the same lines. 50/50 also requires good communication between the parents and for them to be reasonably amicable (which isn’t possible in a lot of cases) to ensure that paying for things is genuinely 50/50 and not one parent paying for the lion’s share. For example, my children’s after school club will only bill one parent so there needs to be a communication line open to ensure monetary things are split fairly. It should also mean things like appointments are completely split (doctors, optician, hospital, dentist etc) rather than one parent having to squeeze this in to the time they have.

I will go as far as to say that in many cases if both adults involved have good enough communication skills to make it work then maybe they wouldn’t have split up in the first place.

For me and all the other single mums I know, it’s the dads that want to go off and live their lives and don’t want 50/50 anyway.

Dependent on lots of things. We know a couple of friends they are both 50/50 - they live close to each other, this really helped when the children became teenagers as often they just wanted more flexibility - more importantly their parents had a healthy co-parenting relationship.

another her friend eldest daughter prefers having just one base and her younger sister happy with 50/50. Parents made it work with EOW aligned for eldest with 50/50 child - it needs parents to communicate and be flexible. The Dad hoped the eldest changes her mind but it’s been 6 years! She just prefers her own room and that’s ok.

It doesn’t seem to work if in a hostile co parenting relationship well. Especially if one side is quite controlling elements (either parent).

I always raise an eyebrow when previously lazy and shit dads suddenly discover caring for children when there’s CS involved. Often women are divorcing BECAUSE the men are shit and lazy, now they have to lose half their time.

And yes, the internet dating pool is full of men looking for an unpaid nanny/housekeeper for their kids.

At 12 and 14, maybe. At 2 and 4, it isn’t in the best interests of the children.

@dragonitetamer It’s mixed evidence! Many people are working long hours. They are not all able to do 50:50. My DD is a family barrister and says often they agree on 5/9 night splits in a 2 week period. She says this is normal due to parents working and school/social needs of dc. So parents sort out what suits dc best, eg liking their room and not swapping over for parental convenience.

It never works out well with 50:50 if one parent lives some distance from school either. Dc need a stable arrangement and knowing where everything is on a school morning is useful. Even walking in with friends can be compromised by 50:50 and dc might value this every day. Plus when older, dc have clubs and activities. Parents living away from each other often start struggling with facilitating the social aspect for dc. 50:50 is often more about the parents, not dc, and this is why the needs of dc trump parental “ownership” implied by 50:50 and carving up by parents who won’t compromise.

There is some evidence, but it tends to be more about comparing 50/50 with rather less contact. Also many of the 50/50s in the recent past tend to be better-off couples.

e.g. Child adjustment in joint-custody versus sole-custody arrangements: a meta-analytic review - PubMed

This ties in with the other thread on why fathers don't step up. It's because they get constant messages that they are somehow less important than mothers and this push against 50 50 is part of that.

The best outcomes come from two loving parents living together. Not with single parents or in 'blended families'. But that doesn't always happens so anything else is going to be a 'make do'.

We as a society need to start accepting the damage that is done to children by poor parental relationship, by parents splitting up, and even worse by 'blended families' which are very rarely really blended.

I think mostly 50:50 isn't good, it's just the least bad option available

My ex was not angling for anywhere near 50:50 and was planning to move away and becoming a weekend dad, until it dawned on him that it would impact the financial settlement.

@UnemployedNotRetired Often wfh people can do it. Traditional roles away from home like a doctor, difficult.

Also we dont refer to living arrangements as “custody”. We have a resident parent.

If you can’t be together (which is extremely common now a days) 50/50 is the starting point. Works well here and actually don’t forget in disfunctioning relationships 50/50 could well be a marked improvement for the child once everything has settled.

If you can’t be together (which is extremely common now a days) 50/50 is the starting point. Works well here and actually don’t forget in disfunctioning relationships 50/50 could well be a marked improvement for the child once everything has settled.

If you can’t be together (which is extremely common now a days) 50/50 is the starting point. Works well here and actually don’t forget in disfunctioning relationships 50/50 could well be a marked improvement for the child once everything has settled.

It's a common thing now, I believe almost entirely due to maintenance. Ie the nrp doesn't have to pay any. Do I think it is in the DC best interest? No. Of course it is important that DC see and know both parents and their families. But for many if not most DC that transition is difficult. Of course on here i will now expect to hear about the families where there is no issue. I believe that will either be performative parenting or a new step parent. Whilst the real parents continue to parent despised by society and the media. And of course the DC are not funded by the mostly in reality NRP.

I do 50/50, I hate it, would rather see my kids every day but be an every other weekend dad, no way!!

Ok, I may be lucky, ex lives 1 mile away, kids are teens so can walk between houses. But 50/50 was logical. We are equally their parents so why would one have them say only 20% of the time?

I don’t think 50/50 is in the best interest of the child at all. If I had to live in two places it would be overwhelming and unsettling. Better for the child to have a consistent base/home the majority of the time but plenty of access to the non-resident parent.

I've known two cases where the parents agreed 50/50 for primary school age children, and both were definitely the best outcome.

Unlike most mumsnet posts, in both cases the mothers were difficult people, and the fathers totally stepped up and parented fully, 50/50. They arranged their work hours around them, didn't move another girlfriend in at any stage, and provided financially as well. The children thrived in a way that they wouldn't have done of the couples had stayed married, or of they were with their mothers the majority of the time.

When people share their anecdital experiences on here of 50/50 it always boils down to either:
50/50 was a pain because of certain behaviours/decisions from one or both parents... which is a parenting issue, not a 50/50 time split one.
Or
The kids just don't like it. Which is obviously difficult, but we wouldn't say a child doesn't have to go to sleep because they would rather do something else..... and while there absolutely might be some people whose lives have been permanently scarred into adulthood from feeling shuttled about as a child in 50/50, I would bet my life on there being 1000x more adults who have issues from a shaky or absent parental relationship.....