What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

The advice with young kids is generally routine, routine, routine but in the case of divorce I feel like a more organic approach with kids having one home with one parent (this is usually the mother but it doesn’t have to be) and then casual but frequent and meaningful contact with the other parent who has moved out.
Splitting your life into % isn’t always what children want and I feel that having two homes often creates more friction and confusion having to adjust to different ways every week with there being less continuity. And the amount of time where you sleep does not equate to a relationship with the other parent.
Divorce isn’t a great option for kids but it is better than living in a house of conflict and often times that conflict doesn’t resolve just because parents are not living under the same roof. It is probably better for kids to accept that one parent is moving out of the house and that everyone’s relationships will change as a result instead of making kids feel like a commodity in a divorce settlement and upending their safe space. The other parent can still be present and have a meaningful impact on a child’s life without having to live under the same roof as them for any court or divorce order defined period. Visits, holidays, school functions, drop offs, meals out, participation in hobbies, being available on the phone, occasional overnight stays etc are all ways to be connected in meaningful ways. Quality over a defined quantity. But unfortunately a lot of people equate child maintenance with access to children and demand their fair share and likewise non-resident parents withholding access for lack of fair contribution to maintenance. It’s an ugly game.

Both my friend and the kid have massive regrets about the timing of it and the fact she chose that time, after A levels, to do it. So I’d say that it should be a cautionary tale, a situation that never works out well.

50/50 arguably worked really well for my step kids. I think this was because both parent were working long hours and we’re already sharing all the drop offs and collection to childcare. I can’t see it working so well if the children have one parent who usually does most of the childcare.

I Will say however ex relied heavily on me doing all the washing and cleaning and cooking as I work from home. I don’t know what it had been like in his marriage, I think they had a cleaner. If I hadn’t done the domestic stuff I know the quality of the home would have been dirty and microwave meals and take away food.

i think it would work better with a set pattern. So if the kids have clubs then the uniforms etc don’t have to go back and forth.

a repeated problem we had was head lice. Both parent need to comb and his ex often didn’t so dsd constantly had lice. I also think both parents were guilty of assuming it’s ok to be lazy in washing and teeth brushing as the other parent would be doing it.

I’ve worked as a nanny and childminder. I’ve had kids 7-7 5 days a week these kids get less quality time with their parents than some kids are getting 50/50. I think the key is quality time and focus on the child. A not great parent can be countered by a very good one at 50/50- the kid will do ok but would perhaps have been better with every other weekend pattern. Obviously two good involved parents is ideal regardless of if the parents are together.

i used to nanny for one family who had two nannies. 7-7 on 7 days a week. Those kids had no time with their parents. Others who only need 7-7 5 days may spend the weekend rushing about on chores or adults socialising etc. It’s really not about WHO is looking after a child it’s about them getting the love and attention and support they need

I think you’ve nailed l there, it’s about quality time. It’s like when people send their kids off to boarding school, obviously not the norm as the average person couldnt afford it but people do and they are by default wealthy. They think they’re doing what’s best for their children but that’s negotiable.

People that work shifts, evenings, weekends won’t get the quality time in the same way someone who works M-F 9-3 even if they still live together as a family unit.

My parents divorced
I didn't even cope going every other weekend.
He was a deadbeat dad and I often had to sleep on the floor in the lounge as no bed for me ..never mind an actual bedroom
I took my DH back after an affair,purely so my DC didn't have to go 50 50as he would of wanted that ,well husbands folks would of pushed for it and kids ,live at their house ,which was 2hours from mine ,so how that would of worked I don't know

Well the needs of the kids would have been better met by the mum not thinking of just herself and putting effort into the family rather than breaking it up with no thought for the kids and marriage (BTW if it comes across as bitter its not, with hindsight I am much happier but am now speaking for the kids) - no shared houses, normal family life, financially much better off).

So in that respect (no safety issues) then the parents should just suck it up till they are 18 and then leave! Anyone who doesnt it just putting themselves first.

Kids can voice opinions, they will request a divert from the rota if they need to and they can decide if the go away with either of us.

@BeerAndMusic You are blaming your ex though. Obviously split households are not easy to manage but I very much dislike parents seeing their dc as a % to be argued over.

Well there has to be something agreed for %, whether its 50/50 or 90/10, or 75/25, something has to be agreed - for CMS if needed, for knowing when kids will be around (meals, lifts etc). I cant see many parents not having a %, kids just coming and going as they please. At 14/15 possibly but then it becomes a safety issue on knowing where they are.

I would say that most parents want their kids as much as they can. I know I would take 100% in a flash if I could. TBH we didnt argue, 50/50 was just a given, both assumed thats what would be best.

Am I blaming the ex, in this context yes, as the best thing for the kids would have waited till they were 18 or so and then go our separate ways or even put some effort in. From a personal perspective its brilliant being divorced, much happier in my life but for me kids come first.

I co parent 50:50 with my ex. I remember him sitting across from me and saying ‘I’ll get the kids 50:50 because there’s no way I’m paying you a penny’

He changed shift patterns at work etc to facilitate 50:50 and eventually I had no way of arguing it other than ‘I’m their mum and I think I’ll care for them better’ (he did very little of the caring when we were together).

About 5 months after going 50:50 he moves a girlfriend in to his house and lo and behold she starts having them on days when he ‘has to do overtime’, makes their lunches, does all the washing. He didn’t tell me this, I had to piece it together from what the DC said, and I didn’t want to grill them.

We’re now at the point where the DC say that although there are moments where it’s frustrating to go between two houses they couldn’t imagine only seeing their dad eow and feel sorry for children where that is the case. So I don’t fight it because I’m led by them.

We deliberately live with their school in the middle of our houses and are a 10min drive from each other.

However, he hardly ever buys them things they need at his house. I often find myself buying double because I know they need it at his house and he won’t get it. He’s subsequently had another child with the girlfriend and regularly tells my DC that having three children makes things expensive.

Does he love his DC? Yes. Did he want 50:50 for the right reasons? …. Are the DC okay? As much as they can be given the situation they’re in….

@BeerAndMusic Many men don’t want dc in the week. They don’t do shift work and cannot collect from school. Some women don’t either. The 5 nights out of 14 is the most usual court agreement for the reasons above. Most people find work requirements trump 50:50. It’s life. Most dc are fine with this. Many parents are fine with this. When dc are older they often express a view that parents listen to. They know the situation and adjust their wishes according to how it’s all working. Parents try and facilitate this but 50:50 is definitely not possible or even a good solution for many dc however much a parent says they want it. It’s their want over what’s best.

Since when has divorce cared about the best interest of the children?

@OhHellolittleone Well we all know divorce can be traumatic for dc too but it doesn’t stop it happening! So the main thing is to try and do the best for dc.

Lots of people posting here seem to assume it’s a choice how to divide time after a divorce. I’ve just got divorced & was told if my ex asked for 50/50 he would definitely get it unless there was abuse. He did ask for it. It wasn’t about not paying in our case - I am the one paying for everything. But that’s what courts aim for now. I had no choice and think it would have been in DS’s interest to be with me more - pre divorce I did more like 90%. My ex still asks me things like “how much calpol do I give?” & “what goes in the PE kit”, doesn’t do homework (so it all has to be squished into my days), messes me around etc & I also have some bigger concerns around his parenting. AND my DS says he’d rather spend more time with me. But I can’t do anything about it until he’s older and will be listened to in court. I think my ex does love him but he’s also doing it to prove he’s a great dad & I am the villain for leaving. What I am saying is: neither DS nor I have any choice in the matter.

@sealprincess Did you have a barrister? What are arrangements for looking after dc at ex’s? Many women can argue against 50/50 successfully, but if ex has the time and “ability”, it’s obviously more difficult. Often distance apart, and from school, is why it’s not possible and work hours. Working from home changes things as the ex can be around. Circumstances differ.

Yes a very experienced lawyer and mediator. Things have changed over the past 5-10 years. It is nearly impossible to argue against 50/50.

@sealprincess It’s definitely not but it depends on circumstances. For example, many marriages simply don’t have enough money in the marriage for two houses. Often one person cannot afford a three bedroom house needed for say 2 or 3 dc. They might have to move a long way away and then facilitate weekends. If you didn’t go past mediation I’m guessing you didn’t actually have a barrister. Of course some judges do want to see 50:50 but it’s not set in stone if partner takes drugs, doesn’t have a home or simply has no decent child care arrangements in place. However in some cases the argument for not 50:50 isn’t strong enough so that’s what happens. It’s definitely case by case and circumstances. As you say, dc are listened to when they are older and hopefully ex will listen.

This is all a bit outdated. PPs are correct in saying that if one party wants 50/50 then they will likely get it.

@CountryQueen Show me the statistical evidence of that. In 2024 women parents had 88% of responsibilities for care. There is of course presumption that parents are equal, but not that must mean equality of care. Any legal adviser will tell you what a court must consider and all the things I listed, plus a lot more, must be considered. A shared arrangement is often not 50:50 for very good child centred reasons.

Are you a lawyer? I don’t know about statistical evidence but can tell you this is what both my lawyer & mediator & two other lawyers I asked said. Apparently in the last 5 years it is almost impossible to contest 50/50 if one parent wants it. Also have a look at this thread which says the same
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/lone_parents/4722555-is-5050-really-the-go-to-in-family-courts

@sealprincess No. DD is but I didn’t need to ask her. She’s volunteered the info in the past. You only have to look at the stats to see most parents with the majority of time with dc are women.

The lawyers might have thought you had a poor case, which is different. DD often gets not 50:50 because of all the issues that must be considered. If you live around the corner, ex works from home, you both have sufficient space and are not sofa surfing, you both don’t do drugs, aren’t violent, the child’s emotional needs are met, in fact all needs are met, it’s a loving background and dc are actually happy not being at “home” all week, then 50:50 is reasonable. Many parents cannot meet this and dc often aren’t keen either if they are old enough to say so. You needed DD representing you if the circumstances were far from the above.

No one thought I had a poor case and I had an extremely good lawyer and mediator. Your comment really is quite patronising.

@sealprincess Except you didn’t get what you wanted. No mediator is going into bat for you are they. You settled before court I assume. Your choice but you don’t know what the outcome could have been if there was a compelling reason for dc to be with you. There clearly was not or you rolled over or could not afford court.

I would imagine in the interests of equality that the law would start at a 50:50 arrangement on the basis that all things would be equal between the two parents. Then they would move the mark according to living arrangements, distance / logistics and obviously desire and reality (a lot of men don’t want to or can’t have kids 50% of the time).

At what age do they consider what the child wants?

Please stop making assumptions.
The stats you posted cover 2013-2024 I think. I’m telling you things have changed recently. There has been a big shift.
Telling me I “rolled over or could not afford court” or may have had a “poor case” is really uncalled for when I am really struggling here, having done the absolute best to get the right arrangement for DS.

🤣 completely ignoring the fact that everyone is saying if both parties want 50/50 then these stats are totally irrelevant because DD is most fantabulous lawyer. Pmsl.

Things have changed, you might want to talk about sofa surfing druggies but “being round the corner” vs 30 minutes away is not something a judge is going to be handwringing over these days. No matter what wonderful DD tells you over Sunday lunch.