What is the evidence that 50/50 shared care is better for children?

[dragonitetamer]

My friend is going through a divorce and her ex-husband wants 50/50 shared custody of the young children (ages 2 and 4).

I was really surprised to find that this is now a common starting point. My friend is okay about it although she has concerns that dad hasn't previously done half half. She is taking it all positively though and happy to give it a go.

I am shocked, though - I had learned a fair amount about the importance of healthy attachment for child development especially with a primary carer. I personally would not have wanted to live between two households as a child.

Am I very out of date? Can anyone point me to research and studies of the evidence for 50/50 care being better for the children than having one parent as a primary carer?

50/50 is the norm amongst my friends. I have one friend who has resolved it so the children stay in the family home and the parents spend one week with them and then one week in a flat so the parents move around, not the children.

I always think mn leans towards eow being a better option but I can’t imagine any child thinks it’s ok to see their dad so little just because their parents don’t love each other any more (in relation obviously to dads that actually want to be part of their lives)

50/50 has been pushed as the new normal, it’s not in the best interests of the children in my experience.

I've only ever read evidence that having a main carer/household is better for the kids. I do remember this was especially the case with young children.

The best option according to MN is for the children to stay with mum. I find it quite a man- hating site at times.

If you can’t be together (which is extremely common now a days) 50/50 is the starting point. Works well here and actually don’t forget in disfunctioning relationships 50/50 could well be a marked improvement for the child once everything has settled.

If you can’t be together (which is extremely common now a days) 50/50 is the starting point. Works well here and actually don’t forget in disfunctioning relationships 50/50 could well be a marked improvement for the child once everything has settled.

Well my Dad had me 90% of the time, by himself, and did a great job.

I've got 2 friends who did it and it worked great. But both marriage break ups were amicable. Both parents lived close to each other, so no adverse impact on school, activities, friends.

There was flexibility so if one parent had a family event on the other parents day there was no issue swapping.

Financially my first divorced friend had a set up my 2nd friend copied. Both parents paid the same into a joint account. Then if the boys needed new shoes, or to pay for an activity, it came out the joint account so the expenses weren't left to one parent.

It definitely can work but it's very much down to the relationship the parents have

Where I live (not UK), 50/50 is pretty much a given unless one parent doesn’t want it. And we still have child maintenance due for 50/50 because it’s done on earnings differences rather than custody per se. It seems to work well here, most men expect to be doing childcare after divorce.

In terms of anything, you could argue what’s in the best interests of the child is not necessarily in the best interests of the adult. It’s likely in the child’s best interests for their parents to stay married and to have at least one stay at home parent. In reality, finances and unhappiness often dictate a different outcome for the relationship.

9

Children need primary care giver until age. But yes accorsing to this expert who I follow, children need both figures in their life to learn key human skills to balance them. Facinating stuff. Will be bloody hard work to manage when living apart.

Why is it assumed mother would provide better care and would not more contact?, taking aside the all men are the enemy cliche

The idea of 'I need your sperm so I get a baby but after that your services are no longer required as I have what I want now' is not really best for children is it?

When my husband was in the throws of a custody battle I wanted him to have his DC 50% for nothing other than he was their dad and I felt he should have them.

It didn't pan out that way as their Mum's position is much more flexible and child focused and therefore judge ruled the split. It's almost 50% but she has the majority. I think this was the right decision and feel strongly (but would never say) that the children should have one main home. I'd say in this scenario both parents are good parents and would argue either one could have the majority from a nurturing perspective. However it does tend to be more likely mothers who take the lead. This notion of being passed from house to house, well it must be bloody horrid. I get stressed if I have a night or two away from my room. I think the current arrangement is unfair on them and very tick box. They deserve better but both parents happy with it. Mum gets regularly down time , Dad feels like he's dadding.

I just can't shake that the grown ups don't mind but the children may.

I've felt differently since having my own child. But this is as a mother and from the children's perspective. Not as wicked step mother.

We started 50-50 but it didn’t last long as dad didn’t want to have to amend working hours to actually collect on his days, and take to clubs. In the end the DC went to their dad’s very little, he came to visit them at mine (which wouldn’t work for everyone but did for us, at that time). Ex worked overseas a lot too. DC are 20 and 17 now and actually are close to their dad. Ours was an unusual arrangement, we even did a few big holidays together over the years. My DC wanted one base, but also wanted to see their dad. It worked as we were good friends and we have co-parented very well over the years to be honest.

I think this is the best outcome, I think it's called " nesting". DC are now adults but this is what I would have pushed for had DH and split. Need to be able to afford to keep the family home though- difficult.

Where is this evidence for either of your statements? I’m fairly sure none exits to prove what you saying as across all cultures there are various social models which raise happier and more successful children than we do - in either 2 or 1 parent homes.

Would you want to see your kids 1 day a week?

I think it's going to very much depend on the situation before.

And I'll mention that my ( not divorced) parents situation meant that I often only saw my dad at the weekends (he commuted, left early, got back late), so it's not unusual at all.

My kids dad became more and more hands off, started to travel more and more with work, didn't get up before they left for school, went out when they got back from school - generally avoided us - so when I eventually ended it, they didn't even notice until I told them a month later! When he popped up again 6 months later and wanted contact, they were horrified at the thought of spending more than a day with him (the youngest flat refused, the eldest thought maybe an overnight would be OK, but anything more than that would be too much). We've settled into a routine of a couple of visits a month, with occasional single overnights.

I don't know, but they seem fine to me - educationally, emotionally. Neither is asking for more time with him. I think they would find 50/50 very stressful - having to make sure they had everything they needed when swapping (DS1 especially who has organisational difficulties), not seeing their pets, switching beds etc.

When I looked into this, the research seemed to suggest that one parent having main custody ( so not sole custody, but living with one parent most of the week and seeing the other parent for the rest of the time) was better for children than 50/50 or nesting arrangements. I was surprised as I thought nesting would be better, but it seemed like this was more confusing for children and gave them hope their parents would reconcile.

I suppose it’s not surprising that having main custody is better than 50/50, as it means the child has one main, stable home.

See, my children’s father is an abuser - I did my best to help him and keep the family together. I didn’t trust him with the kids so was afraid to split up and give him any custody at all. I stayed. I think the damage done to the kids is appalling, but I also think that leaving him would have made them unsafe on many levels. It was a lose lose situation and I would have rather kidnapped the kids than agreed to 50/50 - which he certainly would have gone for just to hurt me. Men like this prevent us from building a safe family environment for our children. It’s horrific for women victims of abuse and their children and the blame should be firmly on the man in this situation. No father is so much better than an abusive one.

The striking thing in your post is that it is all about what is best for you.
With no contemplation as to what is best for your children.

Don’t be ridiculous, all they said was that they wouldn’t want to see their kids every other weekend which I’m sure most women would say too. The children are teens with the autonomy to walk between houses so it’s pretty logical to assume the children are happy to see both parents.

I didn't have a particularly amicable split but we both did want to solve for the kids. So we live near each other and do 50 50. Kids are very used to it. When they were young I'd haul a suitcase over with all their stuff. Now they're teens they don't themselves. We have an app where we log all costs (clubs etc) and split 50 50. They have Revolut bank accounts and we can both see balance and pay in pocket money.
I think my kids are both turning out OK. They literally are on auto pilot and always head over the other parent without prompting and if they can't for some reason (eg parent away) then they will make an effort to see them as soon as they can. We run quite different households but they seem to cope fine. It's the living nearby that makes it work IMHO

It’s not ridiculous. Your thought process was clear.

50/50 isn’t best for the child (depending on age obvs). It might work for an older child who is happy with that arrangement but younger children should generally live most of the time at one house and visit the NRP for overnight stays.

I expect your friends ex wants 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay child support.