Law requires an urgent update

[somethingwronghere]

My history b4 I get mugged lol...

Divorced 24 years ago, with 2 young children (7 mths & 2.5 years at the time).
We met when I had my hair cut one lunchtime in the city... she was my barber. Fell in love etc... married within 2 years and had 2 beautiful children. She earn't £13k and I circa £250k.
She left me after 3.5 years of marriage. She walked away at 24 with a 3 bed house and no mortgage, £££ pcm maintenance for her + child maintenance for 16 years. I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever.

So there... I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

So picture this, my friend married a woman 14 years his junior. She had £1500 of debt and a £300 car when they met. Had 2 children... fast fwd 9 years and she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence. The day after all charges are dropped, he gets served with a NMO. She's still living in the house that took him 30 years of hard work to buy expense free, while he's in rented accommodation. He's a great dad, yet his weekends with the kids get cancelled at short notice for no reason. She's now told the kids the unfounded fictitious story of DR. To a 4 and 7 year old... (and she's a qualified child therapist).

I can tell you now, he has no recourse. No way to stop her traumatising the children with unnecessary (and false) adult only information. He cannot visit his own house to collect the children.

Bear in mind, this is separate to divorce matters. She will walk away with circa £1.3m after 8 years, him with considerably less. He will then need to rebuild relations with his kids after being damaged.

Where's the logic in that?

Listen, I know some men give Dad's a bad name... though there has to be some legal mechanism to keep this behaviour in check right?

I don't know any friends that have a woman as the main/only bread winner (not a dig, just a fact). Now if one of my friends were behaving in that manner, I'd call him out... in the most savage way possible... and possibly de-friend them.

So, to finish... a very weird thing happened after my full and final divorce.

I spent nearly 3 years healing and picking up the pieces, I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled.

I noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut.

Listen, I'm not a victim and never will be... tho I wasted so so much time trying to figure out her behaviour. It only came to me many years later... it didn't matter that she was financially set for life at 25, or I'd never missed a payment or weekend with the kids in all 16 years... it was resentment, even though she moved on quickly with relationships.
It was resentment that she still relied on me financially every month. On one hand she'd erased me from her life and wanted me gone, while at the same time knowing she couldn't survive without my £3,500pcm... this absolutely drove her nuts... which I inevitably (and unknowingly), took the brunt of for 7-8yrs or so.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or opinions from all the great Mum's out there.

TJS

Is there a question somewhere in there? Or an explanation of which bit of the law needs changing?

Have you learnt anything because it clear why yiur relationship didn’t work (and assume you were older as well)

she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence.

No evidence doesn't mean it didn't happen. HTH.

Were you earning 250k at 24 or were you older?

Comments on what? High earning parent pays £££ for their kids. Is that something you think needs changing?

Curious... how come you've asked a question that wasn't in my post at all?

Why my marriage failed is irrelevant... I was asking for some constructive insight into post marriage behaviour.

Mind you, the fact that you've magically formed an opinion without any former knowledge on an unrelated question does highlight my points above right?

9 years older

Not at all. Children etc 1st...

I'm asking about the acute and unnecessary resentment... I couldn't make any sense of it thats all

Think it's sensible to partner up with someone who has similar earning capacity. Have heard these stories time and again, sadly .

I hear you... and in most cases I make you right.
I am 99% certain this wasn't the case.
DR has become a well known nuclear button... I gets them removed from the house. Period.

Problem is, it's being misused as a mechanism pre divorce... and it dilutes the importance that some people need in an emergency. It shouldn't be used as a tool to manipulate pre divorce.

You can’t just phone the police in the middle of the night and they turn up and take away your sleeping husband don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

thanks for giving me a good laugh at this time of night though.

Apologies, can I clarify the question? Your title says the law needs changing and in response to another poster you state you're asking about the build up of resentment.

Are you saying the law needs changing so.higher earning partners aren't paying spousal maintenance? Is the question around how to balance protecting women in DV situations with ensuring it's not misused?

I think with societal changes there is a lot of nuanced discussions that need to take place around marriage breakups,.roles and responsibilities etc. I'm just genuinely unsure what you're asking.

Yeah... though you can't help who you fall in love with right?

Problem is, marriage, as the wonderful institution it is, has become something quite different..

If one has significant wealth, marriage is effectively a contract to give 50% of that away... irrespective whether you have children or not.

My parents were happily married for 50 years... with divorce running at 46% ish now, that's gonna be a beautiful, tho rare event

Thx for yr comment

I agree. There should be some sort of law that stops grown men hitting on teenagers, but eh. That's life. In the meantime we need to make sure the older men pay child maintenance as by impregnating a teenager that she'll never have the same earning potential as them.

but that is your question isn’t it the resentment and your posts highlights where from both sides the resentment came from

my marriage is fine at a similar age to you because I communicate and have mutual respect to and from my husband about what we both bring to the table

The law doesn't need changing, a marriage contract has always been that. If you just want the romance of a marriage with an easy get out clause then don't sign the paperwork, just have a party.

She was raped by him probably multiple times during the relationship and he's getting away with it because marital rape is almost never prosecuted ( its always he said she said).
All of her resentment is entirely reasonable

noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut

I appreciate how difficult and pleasant this must have been, but I guess the flipside is she didn't owe you any differently. Would I say the same if the sexes were reversed? I'd probably say "Well he's a dick to be treating you that way but be the bigger person and keep things clear and civil from your side".

I have to assume you did but no point in offering that advice now. We don't know why your marriage broke up so can't say why she started speaking to you this way, but note you're talking to a lot of women who have had husbands utterly oblivious to their own crappy behaviour while very attuned to the offences dealt to them.

Am interested to know how you're 99% sure your friend didn't lash out to his wife. While your loyalty is to be commended, most men don't know their friends as well as they think.

Teenagers do get bored easily though. Maybe keep it mind in the future. As for your friend, if parenting is difficult and we all agree it is. Why would your friend's wife not be desperate to have a safe pair of hands every weekend so she could go crazy get drunk and spend his money on her nails or whatever.

So you had your fun with a much younger woman & let her raise your children while you played weekend dad?
Not sure what law needs changing or where the injustice is.

I get why yr asking, my point is a bit confusing... men don't seem to have much say in post divorce. Mine was pretty simple, albeit with confusing road bumps.
The justice system is set up to protect women (in the case I described above). Given the backlog of cases, both in terms of investigation and court, a simple accusation with no evidence can take up to a year to conclude.
Meanwhile, the Dad has no rights whatsoever.

My case I described was somewhat different... I was asking why someone being provided for by the ex, who's 100% dependable, can warrant having deep hatred at the same time for many many years.

Personally, if my ex wife bought me a house, paid me on time for 16 years, took the kids away twice a year etc etc... I'd be happy as Larry!... the last feeling I'd have was utter contempt and palpable anger

Re my friend, I get that... I questioned everything. He's been a very close friend for over 30yrs... There's much more detail that I can't share on here. I can tell you now, if evidence had been found to the contrary, I would have cut him out completely. I have no tolerance for anything of this nature

You started a relationship with a teenager as a grown man approaching 30?

Yuk.

I've only known you a minute and I'm not overly keen. I imagine your long suffering ex had her reasons.

You were a man in your late 20's having sex with a teenage girl - that's disgusting. You then married her whilst she was only barely an adult and impregnated her twice in quick succession. Then once you separated from each other, you had the children EVERY weekend as you've stated. So your young ex wife who had had no opportunity to develop a career before you married her, and got her pregnant twice in quick succession, didn't even get any quality time at weekends with her own children, because you had them. She got all the drudgery of school, homework, early bedtimes for school the next day.

As for your friend, I don't know what "DR" stands for, I'm guessing with your use of "Period" 🤐 that you are American, but just because there is no evidence, does not mean it did not happen.

You don't know for a fact that your friend did not do what was alleged to his wife, because you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. My husband beat and strangled me behind closed doors and no one who knew him would have ever believed he could do such a thing, he was mister popular who people loved. Don't be fooled.

That said, of course some people are crazy and make up lies, but you'll never ever know which one is the liar in the case of your friend and his ex.