Law requires an urgent update

[somethingwronghere]

My history b4 I get mugged lol...

Divorced 24 years ago, with 2 young children (7 mths & 2.5 years at the time).
We met when I had my hair cut one lunchtime in the city... she was my barber. Fell in love etc... married within 2 years and had 2 beautiful children. She earn't £13k and I circa £250k.
She left me after 3.5 years of marriage. She walked away at 24 with a 3 bed house and no mortgage, £££ pcm maintenance for her + child maintenance for 16 years. I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever.

So there... I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

So picture this, my friend married a woman 14 years his junior. She had £1500 of debt and a £300 car when they met. Had 2 children... fast fwd 9 years and she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence. The day after all charges are dropped, he gets served with a NMO. She's still living in the house that took him 30 years of hard work to buy expense free, while he's in rented accommodation. He's a great dad, yet his weekends with the kids get cancelled at short notice for no reason. She's now told the kids the unfounded fictitious story of DR. To a 4 and 7 year old... (and she's a qualified child therapist).

I can tell you now, he has no recourse. No way to stop her traumatising the children with unnecessary (and false) adult only information. He cannot visit his own house to collect the children.

Bear in mind, this is separate to divorce matters. She will walk away with circa £1.3m after 8 years, him with considerably less. He will then need to rebuild relations with his kids after being damaged.

Where's the logic in that?

Listen, I know some men give Dad's a bad name... though there has to be some legal mechanism to keep this behaviour in check right?

I don't know any friends that have a woman as the main/only bread winner (not a dig, just a fact). Now if one of my friends were behaving in that manner, I'd call him out... in the most savage way possible... and possibly de-friend them.

So, to finish... a very weird thing happened after my full and final divorce.

I spent nearly 3 years healing and picking up the pieces, I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled.

I noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut.

Listen, I'm not a victim and never will be... tho I wasted so so much time trying to figure out her behaviour. It only came to me many years later... it didn't matter that she was financially set for life at 25, or I'd never missed a payment or weekend with the kids in all 16 years... it was resentment, even though she moved on quickly with relationships.
It was resentment that she still relied on me financially every month. On one hand she'd erased me from her life and wanted me gone, while at the same time knowing she couldn't survive without my £3,500pcm... this absolutely drove her nuts... which I inevitably (and unknowingly), took the brunt of for 7-8yrs or so.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or opinions from all the great Mum's out there.

TJS

The law is designed to protect children. Only a total arsehole could be so blinkered as to be oblivious how they come across in their post and probably also totally oblivious as to the needs of their partner and children in the marriage.

Do you constantly tell her or insinuate that she should be grateful that she had a house and an income courtesy of you? If so this would be pretty irksome and no wonder she may bristle with resentment when you are around. You sound like you may do this.

Also when the PP referred to you having your arse handed to you on a plate they meant they hoped the other posters here were tearing you off a strip or two not asking how successful you had gone on to be. The fact , having not understood this, you immediately went on to boastfully state how marvellously successful you were speaks volumes about how you must come across as an insufferable twat and no wonder your ex feels some form of loathing when in your presence.

Yes there is a law that needs changing- domestic rape is never acceptable and just because you believe your friend did not rape his poor ex does not mean it didn't happen. After all he is hardly likely to admit it to you. It does come across as though because she was a minimum wage earner that you think perhaps she should somehow put up and shut up. I agree that there should be a change in law and do wish there was some form of reform in the law regarding domestic rape so that there was some form of lesser charge in such situations which carry a lower burden of proof such as that in civil proceedings rather than criminal so that these disgusting PoS men that carry out such crimes do have to answer for them.

Yawn

I'm listening to you and suddenly feel bored and tired... yawn

Just as well you're not running the country. All men would be locked up until you realised you'd have to work for a living

Spoken like a true entitled nut job. Do you seriously think that 100% of women are prioritising the children during/post divorce? News flash: No. Come back when you have something realistic / constructive to add

OP whilst you obviously had to pay child mainly were were you paying your ex wife? The courts would surely have put limits on how long any payments to her would go on for especially if she got the whole house.
something doesn’t ring true.
yes £250k is good money but not enough for a court to give the house and alimony

Why do you think men on average have more money than women?

work it back from there and yiulll get it

You still haven't mentioned what/why the law needs updating. But you are coming across as angry, bitter and resentful of your Ex. Maybe spend some of your money on a good therapist rather than post nonsence on sm, it doesn't appear as cathartic as you might have thought it would be.

Last paragraph: How would you possibly know how often I had the kids? Your assumption is typical of the comments I've received. Bitter, presumptuous and factually incorrect. You just want to believe this is the case so you can put me in the same category as yr ex. Your quote of 90% was actually 70% while I still managed my "big important high earning job" This continued until they were 16 ish after which they both moved in with me full time (they're still here and now 25 & 27) This standard psychotic nonsenses you spout typifies my original point... you will never be happy. No matter how good (some) have it, you have to blame your failures on somebody else. After all, you're perfect.

Key detail in your post “weekend with the kids”. You did just weekends. Sounds like she did the rest for a very long time. And why shouldn’t your children have the same standard of living as if you’d stayed married? The split was not their fault. I can see why she walked away from you and your attitude.

As the marriage was only 3.5 years, much of the pre marital assets were ring fenced. Child maintenance was the smallest part and accounted for approx 20%. I stayed in the family home and bought her one outright. The child maintenance continued until the kids were 18. Her payments stopped when she moved another guy in for a cumulative period of 1.5 years. They look at all assets, not just the annual income. I'd been earning roughly that for some years. The money wasn't an issue for me... the way I was treated after was. Even though she left me.

Yawn

Do you have zero self awareness? Your posts absolutely reek of arrogance and self importance. It’s gross.

You say you can’t understand why your ex resents you when you have handed her a ton of money. I know this isn’t going to resonate at all with you, but not everyone considers money to be the only important thing in life. It’s quite possible (and in fact highly likely) that she dislikes you purely because of your massive ego.

Try and pull your head out of your own arse for a minute and think about something other than how fantastically successful you are at your Big Important Job.

Are you off your meds? She was 22 and I was 31when she was "impregnated". The use of words like "impregnate" and teenager" are not accurate or relevant here. Please explain what earnings potential of hers I somehow prevented? In about 5 years there will be a male contraceptive pill. What will people like you do then? No doubt I'll see you on tv in 2030 sellotaped to Big Ben with the slogan "male pill not fair, we need someone to pay for us and take our sh*t"

Firstly, the law can't prevent feelings. Get a sense of reality there.

Secondly, she left for a reason. You clearly haven't figured out what that reason was, despite your obviously inflated view of your own intelligence. The reason wasn't that she wanted money, it was that she no longer wanted to live with you.

The resentment she feels towards you has nothing to do with whether you provided financially and everything to do with how you made her feel.

Even though you clearly only think the finances are important, they aren't the be all and end all to everyone.

If she was ‘after your money’ she’d have stayed for longer. Maybe she left because of how you are, how you spoke to her, how you treated her? Maybe she increasingly feels that you behaved inappropriately in getting with such a young girl and now thinks it was pretty creepy? And she still doesn’t like you for the same reasons. Maybe the years of doing all the hard weekday stuff while you were a weekend dad? Maybe your clear anger has been very wearing for the last couple of decades.

This is an interesting one. You claim to be father to adult children, which puts you just over 50 going from the snippets you’ve mentioned. A successful career under your belt.

You talk about women like a 19yr old incel. Very odd mismatch between your business acumen and your understanding of people and relationships.

What were your parents like?

I think a 19 year old incel is exactly what the OP is

The person with the higher salary and/or assets is always foolish to get married. Similarly someone (usually the woman let's be real) who puts her career at a disadvantage by having children would be foolish to have children out of wedlock- quite the conundrum.

It's almost like people get married because they want to be together and committed, rather than because they want to be financially secure...

This is very naieve to be honest. There's a very valid reason it's beneficial financially to be married, especially for women who want children; it's also true that if the relationship ends one person will also be disproportionately affected in terms of splitting assets. Of course you also should be committed (naieve to believe this is always the case), but people should be aware of the implications beforehand rather than moaning afterwards.

I don't disagree, but the point remains that the majority of people don't get married because of financial planning.

It's not naive to point that out.

I'm more trying to suggest that people moaning after the fact that they've been screwed over or the like should have thought before getting married of the implications rather than moaning after and crowing about how the law needs changing. Take some self responsibility.

It would be worth making a general point that the law in England setting out financial arrangements on Divorce is as far as I understand it significantly different to most of Europe and Scotland.

In particular as it allows assets that predated the relationship to be part of the divorce 'pot'