Law requires an urgent update

[somethingwronghere]

My history b4 I get mugged lol...

Divorced 24 years ago, with 2 young children (7 mths & 2.5 years at the time).
We met when I had my hair cut one lunchtime in the city... she was my barber. Fell in love etc... married within 2 years and had 2 beautiful children. She earn't £13k and I circa £250k.
She left me after 3.5 years of marriage. She walked away at 24 with a 3 bed house and no mortgage, £££ pcm maintenance for her + child maintenance for 16 years. I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever.

So there... I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

So picture this, my friend married a woman 14 years his junior. She had £1500 of debt and a £300 car when they met. Had 2 children... fast fwd 9 years and she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence. The day after all charges are dropped, he gets served with a NMO. She's still living in the house that took him 30 years of hard work to buy expense free, while he's in rented accommodation. He's a great dad, yet his weekends with the kids get cancelled at short notice for no reason. She's now told the kids the unfounded fictitious story of DR. To a 4 and 7 year old... (and she's a qualified child therapist).

I can tell you now, he has no recourse. No way to stop her traumatising the children with unnecessary (and false) adult only information. He cannot visit his own house to collect the children.

Bear in mind, this is separate to divorce matters. She will walk away with circa £1.3m after 8 years, him with considerably less. He will then need to rebuild relations with his kids after being damaged.

Where's the logic in that?

Listen, I know some men give Dad's a bad name... though there has to be some legal mechanism to keep this behaviour in check right?

I don't know any friends that have a woman as the main/only bread winner (not a dig, just a fact). Now if one of my friends were behaving in that manner, I'd call him out... in the most savage way possible... and possibly de-friend them.

So, to finish... a very weird thing happened after my full and final divorce.

I spent nearly 3 years healing and picking up the pieces, I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled.

I noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut.

Listen, I'm not a victim and never will be... tho I wasted so so much time trying to figure out her behaviour. It only came to me many years later... it didn't matter that she was financially set for life at 25, or I'd never missed a payment or weekend with the kids in all 16 years... it was resentment, even though she moved on quickly with relationships.
It was resentment that she still relied on me financially every month. On one hand she'd erased me from her life and wanted me gone, while at the same time knowing she couldn't survive without my £3,500pcm... this absolutely drove her nuts... which I inevitably (and unknowingly), took the brunt of for 7-8yrs or so.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or opinions from all the great Mum's out there.

TJS

I don’t know you or her but in answer to your question of what might have driven the lack of respect the typical answer for most women would be (a) if you are treating her with no respect including not respecting how challenging looking after two young kids is (and it seems unlikely you had 50/50 childcare it would have been hard to continue your investment banking career and probably would have reduced child maintenance substantially) (b) if you were treating the kids in a way she disagreed with (until I had kids I had no idea how protective I would feel of my children but it is a very strong emotion). I think the mistake you may have made is in thinking that paying the bills makes you automatically a man worth respecting - it doesn’t. Life is about a lot more than that. For clarity - I also had a 2 decade career in investment banking then PE and now have 2 children by myself paying all the bills - I consider how I treat my children to be much more worth respecting than the fact that a career I loved earnt me a lot of money but that isn’t the way you come across here despite you saying what a great dad you are.

It’s funny how we all know someone who has been a victim of domestic violence, but appear to never know someone who is responsible for it.

I believe the victim.

Actually teach him to make sure he supports his wife to work, sees childcare as a joint family cost, ensures her pension is protected if she goes part-time, and contributes in time as well as money to the household as well as understanding that if they split 50:50 child care is preferred now and if that is not provided - child maintenance at the correct rate needs to be paid.

It’s really not about your son being used. And yes I have a late teen son and daughters who are all told the same thing.

The OP is telling a tale form 20 years ago and wants a round of applause for having his kids on the weekend. The days when there no school runs, wraparound care, needing to manage your work if a child is off sick, making meals when everyone’s arrived back late afternoon and is shattered - so really the easiest bit of the week to have the kids.

You are very brave OP. As the first few answers show, the man is always in the wrong, regardless.
And if he isn't, someone is lying.
My DH went through similar and hasn't seen his children for 20 years.
Despite £20k and endless court cases and reports - which all recommended his ex should 'facilitate contact', I the end he walked away because his ex wanted to bring his three-year-old into court and he didn't want to put him through that.
Nut that's not enough for MN and he was derided for 'giving up' and described as a Prince among men, with a liberal serving of Those Poor Children thrown in.
It doesn't matter what's happened, the man is,always, always to blame.

I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever
^ This is what you said in your original post.... as I said, a weekend dad.

And this:
I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled
So, who looked after your children while you were at work? Let me guess, your ex, so hardly a 50/50 childcare arrangement.

And my story is very boring and simple:
I've been married to my children's father for the last 23 years and I hope it will be at least another 23 years!

But then, I am in a relationship were things are equal, from paypacket over general household chores to supporting teen & student DC.

Well, yeah at some point. But he certainly never says she was 24 when they got together in his post.

She left him at 24.

Married for 3.5 years + met 2 years before that.

So 24-5.5 equals? 18/19.

You think it should be law that ex partners can't be resentful of one another?

You are not going to back down, are you?
I am guessing that if a man came on this thread with 100% care of the children, yiu would assume he had bullied his ex into it.
As I said, the man is never right.

Op the child's feelings are taken in to account for residency purposes far younger than the teenage years. So you could have had them full time from probably 10 or 11 if you and they had wanted(and 50/50 from way earlier than that) So if they're so desperate to live with you, why did that happen after they required no care and no work on your part as late teens? None of your story makes sense. Unless actually, they just moved in at uni or something else when it was no trouble and then you didn't need to pay for accomodation.

You have an unusual style of writing for a very high earning 57 year old.

I just don't know any women who ever said "he was so awful, I thought it best to give him full custody". Several men though..

I also don't know any exhausted single mothers who wouldn't be desperate for a safe, stable decent ex who could take the children so she could have a second to herself. No one wants to be in a position where they are the ONLY person who can look after the child.

What’s your question?
Which aspect of the law needs an “urgent update”?

You’ve just plucked out your arse that she’s “resentful” because she’s relying on your money.

I imagine the resentment comes from getting older and realising how immoral it was of you to be sleeping with a teenager when you were nearly 30. She likely got married and had kids 10 years before she was ready to because of YOUR age and she now has to live with that for the rest of her life.

& of course the reason for your divorce is going to have an impact on any resentment she may feel.

You are also mistaken about divorce being 50/50 regardless of children etc. The results of a divorce settlement takes into account any children and how long the couple were married.

& btw you haven’t been supporting her all these years. You’ve been supporting her to raise your children 90% of the week so you could continue your big, important, high earning job.

Y yr thinking that?

In the uk domestic violence doesn’t have an impact on the share of assets. It often doesn’t even have an impact on the share of child contact.

So perhaps the law needs changing according to you but are you referring to USA?

Why do people keep assuming he's in the US when he uses pounds from the very start? As well as child maintenance, not child support. And "non molestation order".

It's an annoying gotcha on MN where people try and assume someone is American.

I just quoted some facts from OP's original post... what makes YOU think that I made any assumptions?

I bet you're the type that doesn't believe in rape either, especially if she had been drinking, or was wearing a min skirt

I am sorry but you are wrong. My DH's wife did everything on her power to block contact, which was picked up on two CAFCAS reports.
I don't think courts today would have allowed her to gey away with it tbh. We are talking 20+ years ago. The court was very much conscious that the stress she was casuing was affecting the children so trod very carefully.Happy mother, happy children and all that.

I agree that divorce laws are outdated and need a change

this higher earner always loses out

@GivenUpOnSleep my parents married when my mum was 19 and my dad 32. Been married 60 years and very happy

its not always creepy !

Which in return means the lower earner is more likely to end up looking after the DC. Both pre and post divorce.

That's why assets are never split 50/50 in a divorce where dependent children are present. Both parties are equally responsible for raising the DC either financially or by giving their time.

But I agree assets, maintenance and child rearing should not be determined by sex of either party.

And lower earners benefit gaining assets they’d never be able to accumulate through working

not saying should be left with nothing, but often all this claim of sacrificing careers and earnings comes from those who never had one.

I have one. I earned more than DH when I went on mat leave. I now earn less because he was able to take steps up in the last few years that if I'd done too, would have impacted DDs life.

If I hadn't turned down these steps, I would definitely be the higher earner. I turned them down because we wanted a certain lifestyle for DD and for a number of reasons it was better for the family for me to take the hits at those points in time.

Saying that lower earners can't have that kind of career is very misinformed. Sometimes it's choices made to benefit the family unit, rather than an inability to do a "career" job.

My advice to you: learn how to use apostrophes, learn that two examples (if we believe it’s as you say) are just that.