Law requires an urgent update

[somethingwronghere]

My history b4 I get mugged lol...

Divorced 24 years ago, with 2 young children (7 mths & 2.5 years at the time).
We met when I had my hair cut one lunchtime in the city... she was my barber. Fell in love etc... married within 2 years and had 2 beautiful children. She earn't £13k and I circa £250k.
She left me after 3.5 years of marriage. She walked away at 24 with a 3 bed house and no mortgage, £££ pcm maintenance for her + child maintenance for 16 years. I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever.

So there... I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

So picture this, my friend married a woman 14 years his junior. She had £1500 of debt and a £300 car when they met. Had 2 children... fast fwd 9 years and she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence. The day after all charges are dropped, he gets served with a NMO. She's still living in the house that took him 30 years of hard work to buy expense free, while he's in rented accommodation. He's a great dad, yet his weekends with the kids get cancelled at short notice for no reason. She's now told the kids the unfounded fictitious story of DR. To a 4 and 7 year old... (and she's a qualified child therapist).

I can tell you now, he has no recourse. No way to stop her traumatising the children with unnecessary (and false) adult only information. He cannot visit his own house to collect the children.

Bear in mind, this is separate to divorce matters. She will walk away with circa £1.3m after 8 years, him with considerably less. He will then need to rebuild relations with his kids after being damaged.

Where's the logic in that?

Listen, I know some men give Dad's a bad name... though there has to be some legal mechanism to keep this behaviour in check right?

I don't know any friends that have a woman as the main/only bread winner (not a dig, just a fact). Now if one of my friends were behaving in that manner, I'd call him out... in the most savage way possible... and possibly de-friend them.

So, to finish... a very weird thing happened after my full and final divorce.

I spent nearly 3 years healing and picking up the pieces, I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled.

I noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut.

Listen, I'm not a victim and never will be... tho I wasted so so much time trying to figure out her behaviour. It only came to me many years later... it didn't matter that she was financially set for life at 25, or I'd never missed a payment or weekend with the kids in all 16 years... it was resentment, even though she moved on quickly with relationships.
It was resentment that she still relied on me financially every month. On one hand she'd erased me from her life and wanted me gone, while at the same time knowing she couldn't survive without my £3,500pcm... this absolutely drove her nuts... which I inevitably (and unknowingly), took the brunt of for 7-8yrs or so.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or opinions from all the great Mum's out there.

TJS

After the amount of time which has passed since your split/divorce you need to put this to bed and move forwards instead of mulling over the past.

Rather than the law changing- which it wont because lawyers get too much .oney from it, people need to change. They need to start to take steps by having pre-nups (yes, I know they don't always work) or by protecting themselves by not getting married in the first place if tgeir wealth is so important to them.

I do believe that no adult, who is able to work, should get spousal maintenance - just my opinion.

But again, money isn't everything. If you're an unpleasant individual, giving someone money doesn't change how they will experience you.

I absolutely do not dislike men, I'm fortunate to have a lot of great men in my life. There are examples of crap men and examples of crap women. That you haven't seemingly ever bothered to care or even wonder why your ex was unhappy or dislikes you says it all.

Yes - I guess that's exactly what she felt and led her to dissolving the marriage.

You are being consistently rude and dismissive toward people responding to you in good faith. Your behaviour reflects immaturity and a complete lack of self-awareness and you obviously lack the intelligence to engage in self reflection.

I’m not sure why you are asking for advice from women when your posts are full of barely concealed sexism and a hatred towards us. I know you will immediately reject this post with some small, immature comment, as you have done to others, but that will only prove my point

Your friend is an abuser - there is a huge difference between no evidence and being innocent. Unfortunately abusers often leave no evidence. My brother’s ex made an accusation against him as she wanted to move abroad with their kid and he wouldn’t consent - there were no charges and he got a call within days to say they found there was nothing there. If it took 6 months for your friends charges to be dropped and a NMO was granted it means police believed her they just didn’t have evidence to follow through. I know people who work in this field and I’ve known a few abusers - a lot are charming, charismatic guys who are very convincing. If you think about the vast majority of abusers claim not to be abusers but it is rare for a woman to claim to be abused when she is not! My dad used to hit when I was younger so my mum left him - my mum got a lot of angry comments from people about taking advantage of the poor quiet “gentle” man when she left him. Also told people she took all his money which again was a fabrication, particularly as my maternal grandfather gave them their initial deposit. My mum ended up doing a low level professional career as she lost so many years to child care and also moving around for my dad’s work - my dad on the other hand became a high earner over the course of their marriage which was definitely helped by my mum. She got half the house and a tiny maintenance that wouldn’t cover a fraction of the cost of kids (that he chose to have). She had a large mortgage and two top up loans in my teens, worked every hour and never went abroad while my dad had lots of holidays, 2 houses and a holiday home, shares etc… Thankfully her career did much better as we got older and she could do additional qualifications.

You weren’t in the house with your friend that night, you only know your friend’s version, most abusers claim not to be abusers and in the balance of probabilities he likely committed the crime.

To be honest if you go for a trophy wife who doesn’t work, have similar education or interests as you and is a decade your junior it is not built on a solid foundation. There is an imbalance of power from the offset. Next time go for someone you see as an equal who shares your values and you can have a conversation with. There are definitely women (and men) who marry for money and are very manipulative, we all know a few, they do particularly well out of people who want a young trophy partner. My dad lost a fortune to a woman over 15 years his junior, I think she is a professional scammer and should be arrested but the real person to blame is my dad for not using his brain.

I think repeatedly telling a largely female forum to "listen" isn't a good look

Actually, I do know someone who had this happen.

I can understand O P’s point of view. He’s done the right and responsible thing, and provided a home for his ex and children, and a monthly income. He’s been generous and his ex doesn’t seem to appreciate that.I don’t see how the law can be changed though.