Law requires an urgent update

[somethingwronghere]

My history b4 I get mugged lol...

Divorced 24 years ago, with 2 young children (7 mths & 2.5 years at the time).
We met when I had my hair cut one lunchtime in the city... she was my barber. Fell in love etc... married within 2 years and had 2 beautiful children. She earn't £13k and I circa £250k.
She left me after 3.5 years of marriage. She walked away at 24 with a 3 bed house and no mortgage, £££ pcm maintenance for her + child maintenance for 16 years. I never missed a weekend with the kids... Ever.

So there... I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

So picture this, my friend married a woman 14 years his junior. She had £1500 of debt and a £300 car when they met. Had 2 children... fast fwd 9 years and she had him arrested from his own house in the middle of the night for DR. Charges were dropped after 6 months... no evidence. The day after all charges are dropped, he gets served with a NMO. She's still living in the house that took him 30 years of hard work to buy expense free, while he's in rented accommodation. He's a great dad, yet his weekends with the kids get cancelled at short notice for no reason. She's now told the kids the unfounded fictitious story of DR. To a 4 and 7 year old... (and she's a qualified child therapist).

I can tell you now, he has no recourse. No way to stop her traumatising the children with unnecessary (and false) adult only information. He cannot visit his own house to collect the children.

Bear in mind, this is separate to divorce matters. She will walk away with circa £1.3m after 8 years, him with considerably less. He will then need to rebuild relations with his kids after being damaged.

Where's the logic in that?

Listen, I know some men give Dad's a bad name... though there has to be some legal mechanism to keep this behaviour in check right?

I don't know any friends that have a woman as the main/only bread winner (not a dig, just a fact). Now if one of my friends were behaving in that manner, I'd call him out... in the most savage way possible... and possibly de-friend them.

So, to finish... a very weird thing happened after my full and final divorce.

I spent nearly 3 years healing and picking up the pieces, I was still getting up at 5am, spending 12 hours on an investment bank's chaotic trading room and getting home absolutely frazzled.

I noticed her attitude towards me was becoming progressively worse... zero respect. Zero tolerance. All conversations were about her and her needs. Any deviation or challenge, however small, resulted in the call being ended or the front door being slammed shut.

Listen, I'm not a victim and never will be... tho I wasted so so much time trying to figure out her behaviour. It only came to me many years later... it didn't matter that she was financially set for life at 25, or I'd never missed a payment or weekend with the kids in all 16 years... it was resentment, even though she moved on quickly with relationships.
It was resentment that she still relied on me financially every month. On one hand she'd erased me from her life and wanted me gone, while at the same time knowing she couldn't survive without my £3,500pcm... this absolutely drove her nuts... which I inevitably (and unknowingly), took the brunt of for 7-8yrs or so.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or opinions from all the great Mum's out there.

TJS

rape apologists get no sympathy from me 🤢

Who should pay for the children then?

I agree. Or pre-nuptual agreements should be made a legality. I know a man whose mum died when he was in his early 20s, leaving him a small terraced house. He got married mid-twenties, to someone with no savings, nothing, and now in his late twenties they are getting divorced and she's going for the house. No kids. It's horrible.

She was too young and from a different socioeconomic background. I assume it was mainly a physical attraction. Nothing wrong with that if you are prepared to pay the price in case of a fall out. Unfortunately, who you marry is one of the most important decision you have to make in life. Not criticising, made a similar mistake in the past.

I am 99% certain this wasn't the case.

Unless you were living in their house 24/7, shadowing one of them then you do not know. Not all bruises are on the face or arms. Not all rapes are violent (remember Gisèle Pelicot, she didn't know for years). Nobody can see the anger or the shoves, or the throwing of a shoe unless you were there in that moment. You really think your mate would happily tell you he abused his wife?

You sound resentful of the whole situation but are also complaining of her resentment. Pot and kettle spring to mind.

I also still don't know which part of the law you want updating. Can you clarify?

^I get why yr asking, my point is a bit confusing... men don't seem to have much say in post divorce. Mine was pretty simple, albeit with confusing road bumps.
The justice system is set up to protect women (in the case I described above). Given the backlog of cases, both in terms of investigation and court, a simple accusation with no evidence can take up to a year to conclude.^
Meanwhile, the Dad has no rights whatsoever.

Dude, if you'd put the time in with your kids, or even if you hadn't and asked for 50/50 then you'd have got it. When dads ask for access, they get it. Even if they have been abusive, they get it. Dads have all the same rights as mum. Often more, as they choose when to have the kids, and mums just get to deal with it (eg. you, take the kids at the weekend, not in the week)

You wanted the money instead of the relationship with your children, you only had them every other weekend, this is entirely of your own making.

If you don't get why she might be a little bit cross that you had kids, which you then largely wiped your hands of (no, paying some money isn't the same as looking after them - and no, every other weekend isn't the same as looking after them all week), then I don't know what to say except I suggest that you ponder.

You can't help who you fall in love with
But you can help who you marry
It's about far more than being in love
I wouldn't recommend marrying anyone from such a different educational background whose earning capacity is so very different

It's a recipe for disaster imo

I've heard plenty of examples of women who have had no intention or evidence of 'careers' talking about the sacrifice they make so their husband could have the pleasure of being sole breadwinner, like they are doing him a favour 🤣

It's farcical

Being married 60 years and very happy doesn’t mean it wasn’t creepy or inappropriate…

Gosh, women are awful, aren't they @somethingwronghere?

All my sympathy.

(But lose the apostrophes)

What is it with men coming on here and asking for how women behave when a relationship is over? Third one this week.

The law allows for men to take care of their kids financially post divorce. It allows for women who have sacrificed their careers to raise a man’s children whilst he races ahead with his career, to be compensated for that when he decides he doesn’t want to be married any more.

For every woman who is “set for life” after her divorce, there are dozens who are left penniless by men who disappear or hide assets. You are right, the law needs to be changed to make it far more difficult for men to walk away from their responsibilities.

I think the point made is about women who don't have sacrifice some career

They were in minimum wage jobs, no career to speak of. There's no big sacrifice being made. They are in the provided position then that their husband goes to work and does all the financial responsibility for the whole family.

It's not some great pleasure to go to work and earn all the money. No need to dress it up like they are doing the high earning man some great favour lol

Privileged positoon- typo

But 'provided' is another word really for it anyway- they are provided for

@somethingwronghere

I am not quite sure what law you think needs to change. And in regards to allegations of DR - I don't know how often this is actually used as a strategy. As a female - I hear a lot more about the other side, when women do not report.
Happened to a close friend of mine, who was going through a really stressful divorce and her H was getting aggressive. I begged her to report, she didn't. Not until it actually escalated.

As to resentment post divorce, especially in the case of maintenance. Your experience is not representative of the majority. Usually it's men who resent having to pay maintenance. Especially spousal.
My ex-H certainly does feel he has been treated unfairly, and my sacrifice of my career for raising our kids was significant. Even here on MN - when spousal comes up - many women pile up and say women should not ask for it or need it.
It's not commonly awarded these days anymore anyway. So - that law doesn't need changes, and certainly not urgent ones.

As to wealthy/high earning men marrying younger women with less income potential - and then being surprised that some of those relationship end up with sharing the wealth, and questioning if women entered those relationships with alternative motives....
Well. I don't think it's about who one falls in love. Men are driven by looks/age. Women are attracted to wealth. It's simplistic, but there is an undercurrent of this in many uneven relationships.

I only read the thread to check if you’ve had your arse handed to you.

im glad to see that it has.

lol

I'm not really clear on what changes to the law you're asking for. No legislation can stop someone disliking you. It must be incredibly lonely to be shacked up at 19 with a grown man then raise the children whilst he's out of the home at least 12hrs every day. Life isn't all about money, and you may learn that one day.

Regards your friend raping his wife, there is usually a lack of evidence in domestic rape cases and they're notoriously difficult to secure a conviction. That doesn't mean the events didn't happen. All you know of your friend is the image he chooses to portray to you.

It isn't really all that hard to see why your ex wife isn't fond of you. I spent about 3 minutes reading this post and reached a similar conclusion.

Just back from family holiday and catching up with the comments. This one stood out for its imbecilic and moronic content. Sorry to disappoint @Showerflowers . I was made head of the bank IRS trading division a year after she left and full and final was signed. Income went 6 fold from then on.... I can sense the awful disappointment this news will have 😂

@somethingwronghere thisnthread shows exactly why what happened to you did. Uuu don’t listen you don’t self reflect you assume drive everything but cannot comprehend when things happen around you

the law is absolutely fine it is clear concise and understandable

I've set my stall out in terms of the obligations I've met without regret or bitterness.

Lol

There seems to be a common theme on the threads here. Yours included. Men are awful and horrid, while women are pure innocent victims. My point is/was, why all the hatred and resentment post divorce? You weren't happy, so left. You own a house outright. You get paid £3.5k pcm. You're in a new relationship. Yr ex is reliable and has the kids when agreed. You're financially set for life at 26... (not bad eh). Yet that wasn't enough. Turn this on its head for a moment. I left my wife along with the children. She's broken and in emotional tatters. She bought me a house outright, cash for new everything, a car etc... then paid me £3,5k pcm... the last thing I would be feeling is resentment and hatred. I'm not saying you should say thanks either. Though come on. Lastly, marriage was a great institution, though not any more. It's simply a financial contract. Your final sentence confirms everything I've said. Men should shut up and pay up and do as I say, because I'm always right, albeit on the psychotic spectrum.

Have a read of my reply to another user a moment ago. Everything you mention isn't relevant to me. She left. She didn't have a career. She never had to work since. I embraced my "responsibilities" as you call them. I must have done a pretty good job as they both live with me now. Though I expect you or some other bitter users will find fault in that too? And yes, I am asking for some women to behave... It's not all about you. I do, however, have sympathy with those who are not looked after as they should/could be.

Not at all. They absolutely should, and I did. No resentment there from me. Though I do resent the emotional avalanche of abuse I received while doing it... given that she left me. (she's now 50 and I'm 58). I started the thread to get some independent clarity around post divorce behavior relating to me, though getting anything but 😂

The higher earner should. As I did. No complaints from me, though didn't expect years of resentful hatred while doing it. (she left me remember)

@LucyMonth utter nonsense

Last paragraph sums up the majority of bitterness towards supportive ex husbands/Dads. She's never worked since, so no care, managing "work". Making meals? You serious? Never asked for a round of applause. Just to explain the psychotic episodes when yr set for life at 26, in a new relationship within a month or two and paid £3.5k a month to make the odd meal and do the school run. That must of been so tough lol

The higher earner should contribute more for the children yes. But not everything

but all this, I sacrificed my career ) never was one) and walking away with wealth you really had no part in ( pre marriage for example) or where one party refuses to work, etc should not mean you walk away with most assets and get a meal ticket for life. Nope