Divorced at 33...any hope?

[Bumblebeefree]

Last week I told my husband I'd like a seperation. Long story short it was due to addiction issues and non stop lies. He was also an unappreciative, unsupportive person who made me feel like a married single parent.

Today when we were having a conversation about the future and childcare arrangements he ended the convo with a bit of 'advice'.

He essentially said that he can't imagine me ever finding love again. He said that no single mother with 2 young kids is likely to be able to find love as it is not what any man wants to take on.

He went onto tell me that another reason I was unlikely to find love was because I have a distorted perception of what a happy marriage looks like. He said that a man that is emotionally avaliable, with healthy finances and has no addiction issues just doesn't exist. He said that no one is truly 100% happy in their relationships and most couples have a long list of things they aren't happy about with each other. He said the love im looking for just doesn't exist.

I initially ignored his comments and just said thank you for your observations. But now I just can't shake them off and im genuinely stat here wondering if hes right.. Whilst I'm definitely not looking for anything right now, the thought that I'll never find love again and that im already past it at 33 with 2 young kids is sad.

Surely not everyone is in an unhappy marriage/relationship?

I have a few separated friends, including myself, all with kids and a few years down the line from you. We have a total spectrum… one living with the guy she met via OLD & hoping for a ring, one in an over 2 year relationship with someone met at work, one similar but via OLD, one just broken up as the guy was cheating on her & one who has completely sworn off men for life as her ex was so awful to her. None of these say they still wish they were with their ex. I think your H is clutching at straws & hoping to convince you to stay. It isn’t easy as a separated parent but it also isn’t easy in a relationship with someone who you don’t want to be with. Stay strong, go ahead with your plan, things will get better.

What a nasty piece of work. Well done for making the break, your life will definitely be much happier for that alone.

Just personal experience, but I divorced at 40ish after a decade of misery and believing that was it for me. Now married to the nicest man I've ever met, he is so kind (and gorgeous) and my two children love him to bits.

I wish you so much happiness - and 33 is a great age to start building a new, positive life. Congratulations again for making that possible for yourself.

There are wonderful, solvent, emotional available men out there for a whole variety of reasons.
My wonderful husband number 2 is a widower and my lovely friend married a wonderful man for the first time at 50 whose addict wife 1 left him with three small girls and he concentrated his efforts on raising them to be wonderful women.
Mature men who themselves have been through difficult circumstances and know that a good relationship takes effort on both sides,

In reply to that I’d be telling him I’d rather live a life of a single mum than put up with someone’s addiction and lies for the rest of my life.

some people find love again, some don’t. Life is what you make it.

Separated from ex at 38 with 2 children, aged 2 & 4. Met now (also recently divorced) DH within a year and 8 years on, with 2 more children of our own, I am in the happiest, most loving relationship of my life. We both began our relationship with counselling to address past emotional damage.

Girl! This is a minipulation tactic, he's trying to knock your confidence because he's lost you. He wants to make you feel undesirable so that you believe it. I've had almost the exact same thing said to me.

My sons dad chased me up the stairs, dragged me down by my ankle and strangled me, then came up to the bedroom an hour later while I was sat on the bed sobbing feeding our new born baby and said "You're not gonna leave me, you have nowhere to go and noones gonna want a used up single mum, no one else will ever want you" you know just trying to kick me while I'm down. But guess what, I left his hunchbacked behind.

And 10 years later I've bought a house with a great guy, have 2 more children, and I'm engaged and getting married next year, don't listen to a word he says! Your life isn't over, it's just beginning!

Well I’m married to the man that according to your DH doesn’t exist. Being a single Mother does bring challenges, mainly being very wary of men having access to their children and rightly so. Plus there will be some who will not want to step parent but that is just the way it is, it just means that a percentage wouldn’t consider dating a single parent but it doesn’t mean everyone.

I've had 3 previous partners that I was with between 1 and 5 years. While those relationships didn't work out, all were decent men who were emotionally available, hardworking, and had no addiction issues. Don't let your ex control and undermine you. My sister's abusive ex told her she'd never meet anyone else. A year after she left him she met a fantastic guy. They've been together 10 years and he's a great step dad to her children. But even if she'd not met anyone else, she would still have been a million times happier than with her ex.

Nicely put!

Yeah, OP, he's insecure and worried and trying to put you right down.

I was single with five children and didn't have too much of a problem finding a partner.

Update from me (OP):

Today is 1 month separated! It's been the hardest month of my life, I've been told lots of nasty things...such as ill never find love again (above), that I didn't try hard enough, i wasn't supportive enough, and that my childrens recent tricky behaviour is all down to my choice to seperate.

I've looked over all your amazing responses on this thread a million times and reminded myself the problem is him. The lack of accountability and responsibility is shocking but not surprising.

I dont regret my decision, I know that one day I'll feel stronger and although I have a long journey of healing ahead I know I'll get there.

I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond. For validating the craziness I was being told and helping me realise it's not normal. When youre in it it's difficult to actually realise the manipulation behind words that are being said!

Looking forward to getting to the 1 year and beyond mark ❤️

Well done op.
Don’t listen to your ex.
Cut down communication to a bare minimum.
Onwards and upwards for you!

33 is very young. I was around that age when my marriage broke down. Also had 2 very small children. I chose to remain single for a few years to heal and make sure home was very stable...it felt.tough working and looking after the children. When I was ready, I went back into the world of dating and met a wonderful man. We got married and inhad another baby who is an absolute delight to us all. Life is very good and I am.thankful everyday for the life I have.
My only advice would be to gently point out that when you become single you may feel an urge to just be with someone else to ease things. Everyone is different, but I found it was very helpful to find my strength and happiness alone before potentially meeting someone else.

I divorced in my 30s , met a man a few years later .
As I'd already had children , likewise he , we chose not to have any between us .
He is solvent , no addictions ( no gaming , smoking or drinking )
We've been married a good few years now.
Your stbex is just projecting .No-one knows the future.

@Bumblebeefree juat keep going. Things will be hard at times, when you decide you are ready to date you might find that you have to develop a thick skin. But at each and every turn, it will still be better than being with him and he showed what an awful person he is with the comments he made to you.

I'm 2 years post separation (late 30's, with 2 kids). I've not had a relationship since even though I've made attempts at it. At times it has been soul destroying and I've spent weeks in tears.
But even through the low points, where I feel alone, longing for companionship and love, I still don't regret my choice, not for one single second!!

@Bumblebeefree how are you doing now a few months on? This post has been very helpful for me.