Divorced at 33...any hope?

[Bumblebeefree]

Last week I told my husband I'd like a seperation. Long story short it was due to addiction issues and non stop lies. He was also an unappreciative, unsupportive person who made me feel like a married single parent.

Today when we were having a conversation about the future and childcare arrangements he ended the convo with a bit of 'advice'.

He essentially said that he can't imagine me ever finding love again. He said that no single mother with 2 young kids is likely to be able to find love as it is not what any man wants to take on.

He went onto tell me that another reason I was unlikely to find love was because I have a distorted perception of what a happy marriage looks like. He said that a man that is emotionally avaliable, with healthy finances and has no addiction issues just doesn't exist. He said that no one is truly 100% happy in their relationships and most couples have a long list of things they aren't happy about with each other. He said the love im looking for just doesn't exist.

I initially ignored his comments and just said thank you for your observations. But now I just can't shake them off and im genuinely stat here wondering if hes right.. Whilst I'm definitely not looking for anything right now, the thought that I'll never find love again and that im already past it at 33 with 2 young kids is sad.

Surely not everyone is in an unhappy marriage/relationship?

I'm 29 with a dc

I often think back to wishing I left earlier but here I am.

I know many people that re-marry and have children from a previous relationship.

Just heal from this one and take your time to think about how your future would look with your next partner

Don't rush it.

Your husband sounds bitter. There are plenty men that are well off financially and no addictions. But don't forget that there are other areas you may want from a relationship. Eg good communication / emotional availability

Being single is far better than being with someone who drags you down and you have children to look after.

Life is short.

He sounds very bitter.

You are young, honestly! If you want to find a decent relationship with a decent man I am sure that in time you will.

My 1st H left when I was 36 and out kids were 2 & 5.
I met, dated, lived with and then married my 2nd DH (who later died).
I subsequently met, dated and at some point (now the dc are adults) will live with my current DP.

I was divorced age 29 and with two kids. Remarried no problem, and actually had quite a few dates and hook ups when a single mum… it was fun! You’re not old at all and just tell him being single would still be a dream compared to being with you, absolute twunt. He is a liar- why believe anything he says- especially about decent men as he clearly knows NOTHING in that area.
Head high, move on and know your worth.

Oh gosh, so much hope. I didn't leave my husband at 32/33 when I should have done because I believed the same but it's just not true. You are so young in the scheme of life and I wish I could go back and tell 33 year old me that all will be well.

You'll be happy, you'll thrive, you'll find love. It's all out there for you.

He likes to kick doesn't he? Give you a good twist of the knife?

I'm not going to say everything will be roses and rainbows because life isn't like that, but I can assure you that he, specifically, is full of absolute shit.

After being with a man like that, please do take some time to heal and enjoy your children. Maybe some therapy if you can - it's made all the difference to me.

Yes I think it is very likely that there is love in your future but you don't need to grab at it like it's a rare thing. The world is full of loving people, there is friendship and romance in abundance out there.

This is reassuring to hear too. I feel my life is over and often grieve the family we could have had.

Who knows what the future holds!

Ridiculous nonsense . And worse than that, vindictive ridiculous nonsense .

Just because he is an emotional failure , does not mean that the rest of the human race must also be emotional failures. You aren’t, nor are most of the rest of us ( yes , even the men).

Bear up, Op. All will be well.

Of course he would say that, because it’s in his interest for you to have your self esteem trashed and to be more likely to accept whatever shit show he is offering.

I think the real issue is not many woman will find a man in his 30's with financial instability, no emotional availability, two children he presumably doesn't parent and addiction a lucrative option. He doesn't seem to have anything HE can offer in a relationship..

You on the other hand will be dandy ;)

He's wrong. Ignore him. He just wants you to still be trapped in the idea you won't get any better than him. Laugh at him internally and crack on with the divorce. His opinion no longer matters.

I believe everyone is entitled to happiness, in whatever form that might take.

As a single mum of two, I found an emotionally available man with healthy finances and no addiction issues at the age of 48.

Correction, he found me, as I wasn’t looking, having only separated from my ex a year previous and not in any rush to get on the apps.

Your XH can FO.

He's talking shit. Don't let him get to you.

I'm in my 40s, single mum. Fat. Had some amazing dates and now dating a truly wonderful man.

Good grief, what a charmer!

@Bumblebeefree Leave the addict - he's trying to scare you.

After my divorce, I just didn't want to get married to anyone again- through choice. My ex has been married now three times!

I didn't want DS to have a stepdad.

No regrets.

Oh OP. He's an angry addict who's been called out, of course he's going to say things like this.

There are lots of decent men out there. You're very young, and none of us have any idea what the future holds.

The other thing he doesn't grasp at all is that even if he was right, being single would be infinitely better than staying unhappily married to him.

He is absolutely trying to frighten you.

You don't know what the future holds when you separate, but neither does he.

What is very clear is that he is a fecker and you need to walk away with your head held high.

Make yourself happy, the rest will follow.

I divorced at 28. We were together ten years, two kids. I had a lot of fun for the next few years- city breaks with friends, girls holidays. I dated but wasn't in a rush to meet anyone.

I met second dh through friends 3 years after my divorce. We took it slow - 6 months before he met the kids, 2.5 years of dating before moving in. We then started saving for a bigger house, we bought together after five years, had a baby two years later and got married two years after that.

My kids dad made an effort for the first few years then after he cheated on his second wife (causing a massive fallout in his family) he move away to be with his new girlfriend. My dh essentially raised my kids, and supported them financially ensuring they got a good education and opportunities to travel/see the world. We are all very close as a family and now as adults they see their dad a few times a year.

Your ex is trying to make you feel small because he can't bear the thought that you might move on and be happy. What you have to remember is single or in a relationship both are preferable to being with him.

I'm in my 30s. Single mum to one child. I've found dating much harder, but not because men won't date me. More because I don't have childcare in evenings. Even so, I've dated a couple of men who this was no issue for whatsoever. They were busy and enjoyed the pressure being off. Didn't work out on both occasions as I wasn't feeling it in terms of spark. But I'm good friends with both still.

I wonder if he expected you to call off the divorce after that "advice". Very mean man. Ignore his 'advice' - it doesn't come from a good place and is factually incorrect. Even if it were correct, being single is far more beneficial to you and your kids than you being with him. All the best to you for the future. I'm in my 40's with two primary school aged children and am much happier having left a terrible relationship last year.

He's talking nonsense 🙄 of course there are decent men out there, he just doesn't happen to be one of them! Tell him to shove his advice where the sun don't shine. Keep your discussions to practical matters and refuse to engage in conversations about anything else.

I’m 45, with two kids, and have found there’s no shortage of solvent, emotionally available men.

I’ve also found I’d rather not be with them anyway. No matter how lovely they are, independence is much more appealing.

Omg there will be plenty of opportunities to find love again. That’s so nasty to say that to you!

I was divorced at 33, 2 kids. Now happily, (very very happily!) married to a wonderful man and I gained a lovely step son too.

Oh dear, he’s realised he’s losing you so has gone on the defence. He’s making it sound like you’ve got a long list of problems that no one else would want, so you’d be better off with him. He’s a desperate man.

The level of emotional abuse is mind blowing.
You are making yourself a favour leaving this guy!
Now, is not all flowers, and small kids are a lot of work and you will find yourself with little patience for men in the begging.
But kids grow and thankfully some men mature!
I'm in my 40s now and just moved in with my new partner (left ex around 33). He loves my DC and is a wonderful step dad!
Give yourself time and don't accept BS!

Ye Gods - what he says is horrendous. I am
sorry you heard this. This person seems to know how to get under your skin and attack you where you feel worried or vulnerable. This is not the actions of someone who cares about you.

You are better off not finding love again and being single than staying involved with this person. If he sees fit to stay with you whilst coming out with that sort of shit, this is not a love situation but a situation crafted to break you.

Not all marriages are roses and chocolates but that is no excuse for a person to behave horribly and shrug and say all men are losers. Maybe you’ll find love and maybe you won’t but you’re sure as heck not going to find love by staying in this relationship.

I was an early 30s divorcee and it took me many years to get over the separation. We never had children and I thought I would never move past the grief of not being a mother. However a decade later life is better than it ever has been. My number one advice for people divorcing at this life stage is give yourself more time that you think you will need to get adapted to your new situation. You don’t have to date quickly and you will be ready when you’re ready. When you do, there will be options for sure.

Remind him that even if what he’s saying is true it’s still preferable to staying with him.

I got divorced at 34, met someone at 35. Couldn’t be happier, it’s been 15 years of living with my best friend and biggest supporter.