Separating with no support

[Newyearnewness]

Hi, please be kind.
I have two young DC, and married over a decade. I have been struggling with feeling ignored and used as a maid/housekeeper by my H for a long time. Things have gotten much worse lately and I can't give details bc it's outing potentially but my counsellor says it's an abusive situation.
If I leave, I will be starting from complete scratch.
I have a job- I have good qualifications, but only PT hours at the moment (youngest is a baby) and I can improve my earnings but it will be a 6 months or so before I can do that. I also will have no car (the only vehicle we have is his) I've seen a couple of more affordable locally but I'll have to save hard to buy one out right.
I don't have a network as such, no friends, family, etc.
He hates me, he's only staying bc it's more convenient for him. I'm trying to reduce how much of his housework i do, while still playing for time, I can't piss him off or do anything noticeable until I am more sorted.
I have started to get my act together - I've got a bag with our documents in, I have a little bit of savings, not much but I'm working on it. and as soon as things reopen I'm going to get advice about where I stand but basically I just need a bit of a hand hold. I know I can do it, but the challenges seem vast atm.
Has anyone else made it on their own?

That seems like you are trying different things to help . It will often feel like one step forwards , two steps back but you are making progress , as you have made your decision . Even if it is something you can't do immediately .

Don't waste any energy about feeling guilty / accepting some of the blame. You are doing the best you can for you and your family in difficult circumstances . It is always hard when we make decisions which may result in worse circumstances for you and your family in the short term . But remind yourself about why you are doing this - you want a better life for you and your family . Remind yourself about why you are having to make the decision too .

Is there something else you can do this week that would get you out and speak to other parents? . Some libraries / community centres might have drop in sessions . You might not make an instant best friend but you would hopefully get some confidence that you can do it and put the social skills you have , to good use . You might not click with anyone first time , but it will be good for you to get out .
Take care .

Hi Op ,
Just checking in with you to see how the last week has been . I hope that things are ok with you .

I am sorry OP that it has been another tough week for you .
You cannot run on empty , how can you take a break to recharge ? If your kids are in childcare , could you take a day's annual leave or phone in sick ?
It is important that you don't make yourself ill .
This is my mantra here - you did not cause this , you do not have to accept an intolerable situation just because it will be initially disruptive for the children . STOP feeling to blame - it is wasted energy for you .

You cannot endure this situation , you have no choice . You are putting the kids welfare first , even if that means changing the existing status quo . Everyone has their line in the sand , yours has been crossed . You cannot continue in this relationship so you are now doing your best to move on .

You should not feel "guilty " for breaking up a "happy " relationship . I know you haven't posted all the details ( which for your own safety / privacy , you shouldn't ) but this was not a happy functional relationship .
You want to be able to show your kids when they are able to understand , what a happy relationship looks like . Even if we kid ourselves that our children are shielded and not impacted by the relationship between the parents , that is not something we can truly protect them from when we remain in that relationship .
Keep going OP , look back to the last few weeks and the amount of effort and progress you have made and what you have done to achieve your goal . Think about what a happy future looks like for you and your kids and what you can do to achieve it .
Think of it as if it was an exam , you have to go through the hard bit ( study / sitting the exam ) , but there is an end in sight and it is time limited .
You will be free to build up your own friendship groups and support networks .

Take care of you and your kids and please update when you can .

Hi Op ,
Sorry to hear that you are still findings things tough . I hope though that some progress is being made, as you mentioned court .
Keep going , remind yourself why you are doing this . If you were to step back and think of a friend , one of your children in the same situation as you in the future - what would your advice to them be ?
You have no reason to feel guilty , you did not cause this . You are doing the best you can to build a safe and secure future for you and your family .
Do not waste any energy on feeling guilty , you are doing your best .

If you look up the freedom programme - a free course that might help you to change your mindset about the guilt . I had a quick look online and seem to be 12x 90 sessions .

I think as women generally we set the bar far too low for what we are prepared to put up with for fear of rocking the boat / splitting up the family . But it is not us that are breaking up a family , we can only tolerate so much . You need to look after both your own physical and mental health first to enable you to be the best parent you can be .

Look after yourself and your family , stay safe and update when you can .

Freedom programme - 12x 90 minute sessions - completely free .

Op , is he still at home with you ?
If he is and he goes out to work and you are too , could you pretend to go to work and then come back home , phone in sick and even catch up on a few hours sleep ( assuming the kids are in childcare ) .

Can you reach out to any of the mum friends , even for a play date break and hopefully some adult chat .
You mentioned a counsellor . I appreciate that you might have set appointments , but is there any scope to reach out to them outwith this time .
If he is still at home , just try and get out - go to the library / park weather permitting .
Have you tried to reach out to any of your old friends ? Could keep it light , suggest a coffee , if close by . Worse thing that happens they say no , but not because of you - but perhaps because they have lots going on .

You know that you were being gaslit , so you will start to doubt yourself because he has chipped away at your self esteem & eroded your friendships .
Remind yourself of the chatty and bubbly person you used to be . She is not lost , you just have to find that part of yourself .
Take care .

How has it been this week? Is he still in the home . You have to try and keep any contact with him to a minimum , if you can .

@Destroyingme , sorry that sounds really tough for you again . I am glad that you are getting the support you need . There are lots of threads in the mental health section that may help you .

You are a strong capable woman and mother but it is understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed by everything you have been through . It is often when we have been through the really difficult first bit , when we pause for a minute but then feel overwhelmed . This is perfectly understandable and take all the help you can get .

Look after yourself

@Destroyingme I hope that you have your eldest child with you now .
I hope your H eventually gets bored with all the game playing . At least if the police have been involved , little consolation - but it is more evidence against him . Take care .

I am sorry OP , I hope that you are continuing to get support from the health team .

Please look at the mental health sections on here and take care of yourself .

Hi OP, we're sorry to read this latest update.
We can see that you've already been given a lot of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which may be able to give you some help in real life too.
First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected] or by calling 116 123.
You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing.
Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay.

Hi @Destroyingme ,
Hope you are doing a bit better today and that your children are with you .
My car broke down and I was stuck for hours waiting for the recovery van . So re - read some of your earlier posts . You have come so far , but it has been so much for you to take on without any support in real life . So remind yourself of all you have managed to do in the last few months and how you are striving to make things better for you and your family . Take care of you . You mentioned in an earlier post about having a faith . I am not religious , but wondering if you could get some support through your church ?

@Destroyingme ,
Re my car - it is in the garage .
I am glad that you are getting some help from the food bank . You can pay it forward when you are in a better position. So don't ever feel guilty for any support you get .

Today - is officially the first of Spring . I saw some flowers starting to grow . So I hope that you and your kids are at the start of a happy new beginning too .

Just one day at a time and you will grow stronger all the time . There will still be challenges for you , but you know you can get through this .