Separating with no support

[Newyearnewness]

Hi, please be kind.
I have two young DC, and married over a decade. I have been struggling with feeling ignored and used as a maid/housekeeper by my H for a long time. Things have gotten much worse lately and I can't give details bc it's outing potentially but my counsellor says it's an abusive situation.
If I leave, I will be starting from complete scratch.
I have a job- I have good qualifications, but only PT hours at the moment (youngest is a baby) and I can improve my earnings but it will be a 6 months or so before I can do that. I also will have no car (the only vehicle we have is his) I've seen a couple of more affordable locally but I'll have to save hard to buy one out right.
I don't have a network as such, no friends, family, etc.
He hates me, he's only staying bc it's more convenient for him. I'm trying to reduce how much of his housework i do, while still playing for time, I can't piss him off or do anything noticeable until I am more sorted.
I have started to get my act together - I've got a bag with our documents in, I have a little bit of savings, not much but I'm working on it. and as soon as things reopen I'm going to get advice about where I stand but basically I just need a bit of a hand hold. I know I can do it, but the challenges seem vast atm.
Has anyone else made it on their own?

I just wanted to say well done for making the break and 2025 is already off to a good start for you!

I don't have family support (live away/very elderly), rarely in contact. I have friends but I'm not sure what they can actually do to help other than lend a listening ear. This is one of the reasons I'm finding the prospect of leaving difficult. However, staying put is intolerable and can't carry on for much longer.

Watching your thread with interest. Sorry you find yourself with little support in real life it is a tough place to be.

I left with nothing. I ended up getting a loan to cover me while I rebuilt my life. Bought second hand furniture etc. Bought stuff on finance. Need to really budget for a few months until you find your feet.

Stay calm, focus on your objectives and your dcs, and you will get there.

It took me 8 months to find a job, save a deposit, rent a flat, find a child minder and leave, but it can be done. One thing at a time. Make sure you and your dcs are safe. Don't share your plans with anyone in the family in real life, you don't know where people's loyalties lie.

Good luck, and wishing you the best 2025 xx

Maybe it would help to identify what sort of support you are looking for - practical, emotional or financial or perhaps all three. It sounds like you have potential to turn your financial situation around. I agree with Meadowfinch...stay calm, focus on your objectives and line things up for yourself quietly.

Its basically that I feel unanchored, without a network....it's not that I'd expect any practical support, although just another space to go for a cuppa and a play for the kids would be heaven, it's more that I know I am utterly on my own in taking these big steps

I was a functional mid-20s adult before, so in the dusty recesses of my mind I remember how to do stuff, like setting up a home from scratch, the steps in getting a car, insurance, registering for all the necessary bits, all of that. But the difference is this time around I have little ones who need mummy and also I have had my sanity/confidence well and truly totalled. But the practical things I do vaguely remember, and I can do them. I just can't believe this is actually me. How did this happen?... How did I get here?

Luckily(?) I have no one in IRL so this is between me, myself and I (and MN?!)

I just need to get it out because I feel like I'm losing the plot. im being gaslit to feck

I know what you mean OP.

I left with ds, moved in to a very tatty little one bed flat in a different town, and started my new job the next day.

The only way I could cope was to shrink my life down to what I could handle at the time. That was me, ds, work and our child minder. It was weeks before I stepped outside that and managed a trip to the park or for a cake in a cafe.

That's 14 years ago. Life is completely normal now 😊Have faith in yourself.

I was a functional mid-20s adult before, so in the dusty recesses of my mind I remember how to do stuff, like setting up a home from scratch, the steps in getting a car, insurance, registering for all the necessary bits, all of that. But the difference is this time around I have little ones who need mummy and also I have had my sanity/confidence well and truly totalled. But the practical things I do vaguely remember, and I can do them. I just can't believe this is actually me. How did this happen?... How did I get here?

I could have written this myself op. I find it daunting as husband arranges a lot of the financial stuff and sorts a lot of the practical stuff such as cars and technology related contracts. It does seem daunting I must admit. But gradually, I have been looking into things a bit more - who the car is insured with, which garage is used for MOT. Building insurance. Getting copies of paperwork so I can use the same again. I'm easily thrown into overwhelm and will admit - having dc in the mix to care for is making it seem a huge amount to sort.

Being mobile as in organising a vehicle for yourself is likely going to help a lot ( I don't know what your particular situation is for you but currently I am fairly reliant on having a vehicle to transport dcs). Maybe this is one of your objectives? Finding somewhere to live also. I agree there is a lot to sort out but it sounds like you've made a start. Booking an initial consultation with a solicitor will likely help too. I have done this and it has improved my confidence going forward as to what I might be entitled to.

I have also had my confidence knocked and I've been led to believe that I can't cope alone (by him). I've really had to push against this over recent months but the tide is turning and my resolve is strengthening. And yes, I often ask myself how did this happen? How did I get here?

The car I've found is a little run around, cheap as chips but just need to get a couple of miles to the drop off/pick ups and back, and work. Its just a massive reality check as my lovely little car is gone, it was sold at a different point in our marriage and now....I'm starting again. With a car older than the car I was driving when I first passed twenty+ years ago.

Its a silly thing, but symbolic to me, of the state of the situation.

At the moment I'm walking miles and miles and doing a lot of standing around waiting for public transport in all weathers.

@Meadowfinch thank you. Honestly I feel like I'm about to walk off the biggest precipice.

My budget has always been miniscule so I know I can scrimp and save and cut corners, I'm basically a single parent now anyway it's just I'm living with a lodger im married to but hates me. I paid for the whole of Christmas just because I wanted the children to be able to have a nice, normal Christmas. Nothing extravagant, but pjs, sweets, a book, stockingy bits.

I'm scared of the future, I'm gutted about maybe the best years of my life, all gone. But if I'm to salvage our futures (kids, mine) then I need to carry on.

I did it on my own with a one year old and a five year old and no family. Also I was scared as hell but had no choice as his abuse had reached the worst .

My advice would be speak to people who support you and can help you to move forwards ( avoid those who up ill you back)

. Read about abuse and the impact on you and your children ( that made me stronger ) .

Be aware an abuser often gets worse when you are leaving and getting stronger , ignore this - boundary him using the mantra ' you cannot abuse me anymore as I've left you, your problems are for you to deal with'

Get a counsellor ( they really helped me stay strong and it's where I cried and got angry and started healing )

Find out what benefits you may get and get legal advice

Be aware your kids may pull at your heart strings but you are doing this for them too ( reading up on abuse will help (

Look at everything as an opportunity

Picnics on the lounge floor with blankets and a movie my kids loved when times were tough ( we also got a cat which changed a sad house at times to a happy home )

20 years on . I have my own home . A loving partner, a degree and my kids are at uni . I never thought I could achieve anything ( he told me that often) and now I'm glad I left as I've achieved so much as have my kids; with him we would never have done any of this as he needed attention and was unmotivated .

He stopped seeing the kids years ago as it was too much hassle for him !

@cleo333 thank you

I'll try and follow what you put in your post, and a cat would really be a lovely thing to look forward to

The cat bought Fun and the kids loved him and focused on caring for him . He made us laugh so much too

Me and the kids love cats, we always have. That will be a good spot to look forward to one day.

My H is very good at tying my brain in knots, and it's like he's a lawyer (he's not, but could've been ) I can never win in a disagreement, there's not any give from his side, and before I know it, because I'm anxious or stressed I'll agree with whatever it is, cancelling play dates, changing plans last minute just to try and de-escalate the situation

I am worried this will get worse once the ducks are in enough of a row to let me and the kidsget out of here

Sorry you're going through this OP. I can relate. I left my marriage with tiny DC and had no one to talk to throughout the whole thing. Tried to lean on family but the support was minimal in practical terms. Zero in terms of emotional support. I have since reconnected with some old friends and colleagues and made some friends with other mums and single mums. I find the only people who really understand what it's like are other single parents who have gone through separation and divorce. Please keep posting here, happy to chat and listen. It's very lonely going through this alone.

My ex tied me in knots too but this is part of the abuse . Look up gas lighting

Importantly boundary him with the mantra , you have left him he can no longer abuse you . However I appreciate this is not easy with children as my ex used them . Dropping them like a hat to make my life difficult and hurting them which was so upsetting to watch . I got childcare in the end and did it all on my own, relying on him for nothing which is actually what he wanted - then we found peace !

Typically he tells everyone he tried everything to see his children

Thank you @Notrynajudge

I'll never know whether it was intentional or just a coincidence but he made it very difficult for me to keep in touch with my childhood/uni friends, and now he can easily stop me from meeting mums for coffee and playdates, he doesn't actually do anything it's just the way he asks the question, and the atmosphere changes, and then I know I need to cancel. Then he'll check that I cancelled, some times asking me repeatedly to read out the text I sent word for word.

He also cringes when I do chat to people (in cafes/other mums waiting for baby change loo etc) so it makes me think I must be so bad at communicating or talking because I'm embarrassing him.

I am naturally quite a chatty person, and I like people, so I'm hoping if I can tough this out then I can meet some mums that have been in a similar position and rebuild my life/self esteem.

But bloody hell I literally doubt my ability to talk! Wtf is that about.

@cleo333 thank you 💜

He is ok with the kids, but it's still very much what suits him. He'll bugger off at the drop of a hat if I've pissed him off, leaving me to sort out the children.

Also he is doing weird things at the moment and I can't give any details bc I think it's too identifying but he lied to me the other day. So I don't know if there's someone else or he's about to screw me over in a different way but I cannot challenge him on it, he'll blow up, blame me and it will lead no where.

I'm saying that mantra to myself all the time, it's helping.

Does anyone have and advice on how to tell him it's over and he needs to leave?

This property is in my name only, he's a permitted occupant.

He looks at me with such disgust, he critised my parenting to our children today- he was having a lie asleep til 11 when I've been on nights and I was crafting with the kids and we watched a movie while I tidied up.

He does nothing. Not a damn thing. He doesn't cook, clean, laundry, he doesn't play with the children, he'll "watch" the kids for me if I need a shower but they are little so usually come and find me anyway. I do everything and I work.

He won't let me have access to the account into which everything gets paid- UC, his salary, child benefit, none of it. If I try and talk about issues then he immediately gets defensive and shuts down, I get scared and back off.

I don't want to make things worse I have to find a way of getting him out without him getting really mean and spiteful.

He uses aggression to make you back off and ramps it up accordingly . He is also no help !!! .

Gather all financial paperwork you can and get legal advice immediately as a solicitor may be able to freeze accounts ( did you say you were married ?)

With regards being in your own I think you will honestly be relieved and feel free to, ; he is no help to you or the children and is agressive - what's to miss here ?

One day you may meet someone who supports you and your children to feel safe and grow and loved conditionally , how lovely would that feel for you all ? I know that seems miles away now but there is no reason why not and I'm sure many others who have left this type of person would agree and could give examples of how they found love again

Thanks @cleo333

Yes married over a decade, together for longer.

He seemed perfect. Met at uni, had friends in common, his mum liked me, worked in the same field.

Hindsight some red flags earlyish, but I was younger then and pretty naive.

I have such a long way to go in this new chapter and it's gonna get a whole lot worse before it's gets any better.

Being single doesn't worry me much, if I had parents , or grandparents or any living relatives really, I think I'd feel a bit less afraid of leaving. Being a single parent for me, will literally mean just me. Which will be fine when this becomes the new normal but the getting there is the hard part.

Hi @Newyearnewness I hope you are doing OK. I know that feeling of being absolutely alone and I won't lie that this is the most painful thing about being a single parent, the feeling of being absolutely alone whilst you see other families together. No emotional support is very hard, though that also applies if stuck in a bad marriage. One regret I do have is not having much support whilst I was still in the marriage and I wish I made more effort to find people to confide in and get a different perspective from before the marriage collapsed.

As I read on here the other day, there is no easy choice - staying in a bad marriage is hard and divorce is hard - both in different ways.

Hi @Notrynajudge yep no family, but also I feel really stupid for trying to please him and I let go of my friendships (he didn't approve of them)

I have been trying to build my social support network back up. He didn't approve of those mum friends either and again I caved, but now I'm really gaining some assertiveness and basically not really telling him where I'm going from now on. (Its just local mum n baby groups, it's not like I've joined some weird cult)

This is a long hard slog to get out of this marriage. 😞

Here with you OP. I am in a similar situation. No advice to give, just solidarity.