Separating with no support

[Newyearnewness]

Hi, please be kind.
I have two young DC, and married over a decade. I have been struggling with feeling ignored and used as a maid/housekeeper by my H for a long time. Things have gotten much worse lately and I can't give details bc it's outing potentially but my counsellor says it's an abusive situation.
If I leave, I will be starting from complete scratch.
I have a job- I have good qualifications, but only PT hours at the moment (youngest is a baby) and I can improve my earnings but it will be a 6 months or so before I can do that. I also will have no car (the only vehicle we have is his) I've seen a couple of more affordable locally but I'll have to save hard to buy one out right.
I don't have a network as such, no friends, family, etc.
He hates me, he's only staying bc it's more convenient for him. I'm trying to reduce how much of his housework i do, while still playing for time, I can't piss him off or do anything noticeable until I am more sorted.
I have started to get my act together - I've got a bag with our documents in, I have a little bit of savings, not much but I'm working on it. and as soon as things reopen I'm going to get advice about where I stand but basically I just need a bit of a hand hold. I know I can do it, but the challenges seem vast atm.
Has anyone else made it on their own?

I'm glad you are building your network back up. Get out there and make the mum friends, maybe even get back in touch with old friends and colleagues.

I became extremely isolated in my marriage, mainly as ExH did not ever want to socialise with anyone, made no effort with friends and family and any friends he did have were kept private, I think mainly he enjoyed being friendly with women at his work which he kept under wraps🤔

Since separating I have gone out there to make new mum friends and reconnected with a handful of old friends. Some of them have been amazingly supportive.

I understand having no family support is herd ( I had none they in fact sided with him but that's-another story) .

I would advise get good single mum friends and go to college / work - spend time with adults .use childcare - educate .improve you . It will make you feel part of something else and improve your future life - I ended up doing a degree and I did v poorly at school too

It's a hard slog getting out of this marriage

Yes, same here. I feel more hopeful now, things seem to be lining up, I'm using the time I'm waiting (for a crucial piece financially) to be completed and in the meantime I've gone on a massive de-clutter exercise. I'm losing weight (because I have spent so long comfort eating and have lost one and a half stone so far) and generally looking at what I need to organise in relation to a new chaper. I have also spent time building up a social/support network. It has been slow but over the past year I have made progress though I'm yet to find anyone in a similar boat. I would recommend keep building up your social network, finances etc. anything that will make life easier going forward.

I have no family support. I know it would likely be far easier to leave if I had a supportive relative. I know if it were my daughter I would urge them to make a change if they feel so miserable. So, I'm having to turn this around and take my own advice. It's not the same though. I understand this completely. It's almost like I'm waiting for someone to keep me permission along with support. It's not going to happen.

It's hard. And as a mum you have all that additional responsibility - it's not just me I'm getting out for, but my kids too.

I still feel at the foot of a huge mountain. Theres so much I have to do just to get back to where I was before we met! The car, the home, savings, career, social stuff, all of it. Just gradually it all faded away as I went along with what he wanted because I was too trusting. Plus obviously it was me that carried the babies, and naturally had time out from the workplace for that. Crazy how in 2025 women are so uniquely vulnerable because we are the ones who get pregnant, and are the main carer.

I can't believe many women (including myself) are in this position. It is meant to be 2025 not 1950 but here we are, we've still fallen into the same trusting trap. It doesn't feel like there are enough measures in place for women - the fact remains women are still the main target of domestic abuse.

It does feel like a mountain and I am not far from the foot of it but the point is I'm climbing it. I've also set a target date so this is helping me enormously both giving me time to sort things but also a time to sort things by. I'm off the starting blocks. It's going to be a long while yet but I can see more clearly now the things I need to do organise and it is all work in progress. Maybe you don't need to get completely there with some of these things savings, career, social network etc but just there enough. Have you worked out a realistic time scale for all of these things op?

I am feeling bitter that I don't have family to turn to. Some people have been given a real helping hand out. My friends are lovely but are not in a position to offer things like accommodation particularly as I have dc.

I have suffered mental/emotional abuse. I am concerned this is going to ramp up when forms are presented and things become more real (I'm doing things in the background currently). I don't feel safe but don't have anything to base this on. A rapid exit would not be good for the dc I feel. If it were just me, it would be far easier but it isn't. I have some money so not completely backed into a corner. Having kind and supportive family would likely have made this so much easier but it isn't a reality so I've got to sort it somehow. I need to find peace but it is going to be a while yet sadly.

Hi @jointhevelvetiserclub

I have been working my arse off in the background this week, behind the scenes. Almost living a double life. Grey rocking through interactions with H so he thinks (I think?) I'm just hormonal or something, meanwhile I've called the solicitor, women's aid, CAB (cab fairly useless for me sadly) and got my phone SIM sorted and I've got a plan.

I'm shit scared I'm not gona lie. He's crushed my normally robust spirit into someone I barely recognise as myself.

I've got some more steps to go before I'm ready to ask him to go but things are in motion. I'm utterly terrified. Not of being alone (it will be relief) or of being a single mum, because I do all of it anyway. But I'm scared of the change, if he'll react. He's bigger than me, and smarter. I can't read him easily.

I hear you @jointhevelvetiserclub

I feel bitter because he's stolen my youth I feel, and my chance of a safe happy childhood for my children who are utterly innocent in all of this.

I honestly felt I chose a sensible, nice husband to start a family with.

I agree it's utterly, utterly baffling that it's 2025 and here we are. On MN, page and page, thread upon thread, women, mums, trying against the odds just to have their family or sanity intact, living with a partner who is not safe.

I am working so hard, it's taking every moment I've got, and ironically I can't take on extra shifts while I sort this terrible situation out, this impacting my finances further. I had a moment of utter, complete despair this morning - it's passed now, but I'm not like that, I'm usually so cheerful and energetic!

I am working so hard, it's taking every moment I've got, and ironically I can't take on extra shifts while I sort this terrible situation out, this impacting my finances further. I had a moment of utter, complete despair this morning - it's passed now, but I'm not like that, I'm usually so cheerful and energetic!

I know it is really difficult but I think it may be best to 'grey rock' him (detach yourself) and carry on 'as if' nothing is out of the usual for now. This way you may be able to focus on your work situation if this is the key to righting your finances. This may unlock other things - your purchase of a car and so on. It must be so difficult trying to sort all of this out with young dc and working (and I would be reluctant to work full-time but it may be the lesser of the evils?) Unless you believe things can be turned around (I don't in my case), you would be better off not investing emotional energy there. That's not to say there won't be emotions felt, I have felt a great deal of grief over the loss of something I thought would be forever. There will probably never be a right time to leave but you can get a few things in place which will likely make your life easier in the long term.

I don't recognise my husband's behaviour now either. I don't recognise the man I thought I had married. A completely other side has been revealed. But I made the best decision I could at the time and I may not have my lovely dc if I had not gone down this route and I hold onto that as there were some good years - maybe there were good years for you too? I guess it is a question of reframing it and accepting you made the best decision you could at the time. But going forwary you (we) want something different.

Sorry, missed your post where you said you had been grey rocking. I do this so thought it good advice for now. Calling the solicitor is a good move - I've consulted a solicitor and it made me feel like I had taken a real step forward and also what the realities of the situation are. And yes, I do feel like I'm living a double life at times.

I'm scared of my husband's reaction too especially as I don't recognise his behaviour, I see him as unpredictable and controlling and this will make him feel out of control. I hope it goes well at the solicitors's, please update.

Good luck Op , it seems like a difficult situation you are in .
Have you checked online as to what level of UC you would be entitled to when you separate ?

You mention " no family " but not sure if that means you have no family close by , or no family full stop .

If you go have family and you would be able to get another job easily , is it an option to move closer to them ?

It is usually much easier to make friends when your children are small as more scope for attending activities together , parties , play dates etc .

You sound a lovely person who has been ground down by an abusive partner so I hope that you will be able to get back to your more sociable self.

I have no family, deceased unfortunately. Have been through more bereavements than I thought I could survive, but here I am. I was close to my friends but like little flames he snuffed out my communication with them one by one. I feel like such an idiot, truly. But I had no idea then. I thought I was doing the right thing by focusing on the relationship and listening to him. The boundaries always moved, always shrank. The bar always rose, I always failed in his eyes. Smaller and smaller I became. What am I now.

I've had a productive day chipping away at this mountain, things are moving bit by bit but as I said before I am scared.

Like a pp said, I adore my dc and I would never change things because then I wouldn't have them. Now I have to keep going for them too. But I feel guilty. I wanted so much more for them.

I think in school they should literally teach girls 1) always have a separate account/finances 2) stay in work, even if you want to be a sahm just keep a part time job 3) keep a LTB box, just in case, even if it's the love of your life.

Its 1 in 4 women who experience DV. A quarter. That's too high, we're not equipping our girls for the reality of life. I had my heart set on happily ever after, the man, the baby, the dream. Its a nightmare and I can't wake up.

@jointhevelvetiserclub

How are you getting on, I noticed you on another thread but didn't want to derail the op.

I've had a long few days. It is so hard! I know I keep saying that, but it is.

I spend most of the day on the phone cracking on with these bloody ducks. Nightmare

Hi Op , Sorry to see your update re your family . It is difficult when you don't have a default support system that others rely on .

That sounds promising that you are continuing to make steps to get out of the relationship . It is frustrating dealing with all the admin and especially at this time of year when it is busy after Christmas .

You have this and the most important thing is to keep you and your kids safe . Keep going and I and others are routing for you to get the happy ever after with your family .
Not the most pressing thing at this time , unless they are able to provide practical support but it may be possible for you to re- establish some of the friendships you have lost . Good luck

Rooting not routing ...

That's @imfae
I will think about reaching out to my old friends.

I actually bumped into a former/friend colleague today and had a lovely little catch up (I kept it light hearted about Xmas rather than the dumpster fire that is my life right now) but she said we should meet up again. Just boosted my social confidence a wee bit.

I am trying to not lose my mind though. I feel like I should have just done whatever he wanted to keep things together, even though it would mean a servile existence to someone who hates me.

I'm sorry @imfae the first line of my pp was supposed to say "thank you", not "that's"

Apologies it's just been a really hard day x

Don't feel any guilt for having to do this . This is on your H , not you . This was due to his behaviour , not yours . Like a lot of women including me , you made sacrifices to your career and to your social life for the sake of your family .
Everyone has a breaking point though and you reach the point where enough is enough . You have to look after yourself including your mental health and if you don't do so you won't be able to look after your family .

That sounds also like a good catch up with your old colleague / friend .
I am also going to try and reach out to some old friends too this year . Nothing ventured , nothing gained .

Mini update I've opened a bank account that H doesn't know about.
I've got the details for a locksmith so come next week then property will be secured. (Its mine, he has no claim on it, I checked with CAB, solicitor, police etc.) I've got some more appointments and phone calls to make today. Exhausted but motivated.
Good for you @imfae im trying to rebuild my network, I belong to a faith community so I'm changing to one h has no link to, I'm popping there this weekend so that's a big step?

Hi Op ,
Just to flag up about the house if that is something you checked specifically with the solicitor ? If e.g a property is solely owned by you , your H would usually not have a claim on this ? when valuing matrimonial assets . But he could still have a right to occupy this - will depend on where you live .

Its not an asset it's a LA property, I'm the only registered tenant (and the dc).

The general consensus was that due to the different types of abuse I've experienced, I wouldn't have to allow him home rights. I checked and checked with every agency I've been in touch with.

I can't go into too much detail cuz I'm shit scared of being outted but that's afaik.

I am sorry OP . Without knowing all the details which you should not share on here in any event I am not really sure where you go from here .
I know you were checking with various agencies etc . Have you been able to update them on the current situation to see if there is anything further they can advise ?

Have you checked with your Landlord , not sure if it is local authority / housing association - are they able to rehouse you elsewhere ? If it is a private landlord or housing is scarce will probably not be possible .
What would your option be if you were to leave other than being re- housed by the landlord ?
Have you also looked into transferring child benefit / UC to another account in your sole name .
If there have been any threats etc made by him , are you able to seek advice from police / women's aid ?
Above all - do not feel guilty . This is not on you . You would not be seeking to end the relationship , if he was a loving and supportive partner . Just because you are the one that says - it's over - does not make you the one that has caused the situation. That was him .

The most important thing is for you and your children to be safe . Keep posting when you can of any updates you are able to share .

I am glad the agencies are being helpful to you .

It must be tough dealing with them and with young children . If you are safe , can you try and just keeping chipping away at it and follow the advice you have been given ?

Are you able to get an appointment to speak to your GP for support , if nothing else you would have a formal record of what is happening .

I assume as you have young children you will still be under a health visitor , have you spoken to them to see if they can help / signpost you to any other help .

If you are employed, I think you mentioned shifts - if you work for a large organisation they may offer an employee assistance programme where you may be able to access counselling or a helpline to deal with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing .

It is tough when you don't have someone in real life to support you and hold your hand as you are experiencing this .

There are lots of women on here who have been through similar things or are currently experiencing difficulties who will be able to empathise with you though . You may need to post directly in the mental health section and MN will also list various contacts , some of which you will already be aware of .

Please do keep safe I know you will be reluctant to move out and why should you , if it is your tenancy but the safety of you and your children is most important .