Ex Partner wants to buy me out - help!!

[brookgreenmum]

Hello all. I was on here some years ago but took a break. Things have changed somewhat, relationship broke down and I'm in a bit of a panic now, looking for opinions really if anyone has had similar circumstances.

Unmarried, together 19 years, two children 17, 14. Separation back in June, he moved out to give me space.

Now he's back in contact, wants to buy me out, reasonable offer about 85% of the actual equity share if we sold it. He paid the mortgage and bills for the whole time and the deposit. House owned jointly 50/50 and I am on the mortgage.

I'm not in a bad position, earn excess of 50k pa, we have approx 200k of equity. I know having the children gives me some power, but the income and equity means I doubt i'll be able to convince a court to stay on till the kids are 18 or so.

Fighting it in court would be at least 15k if I lost according to advice. Friends tell me to fight!

What would people do in this situation? I couldn't go out and buy again in this area, renting is possible. I am really stressed now, losing sleep and hair - didn't think about this tbh, focussed on the kids and thought it'll sort itself out.

Thankyou!

I don’t think that is what she meant.

Any long relationship like this one will have tough patches that may or may not lead to a break up. I took from her post that she might have eg started to add to savings when things looked bad, rather than she would have stayed in a bad relationship “for the money”

But they aren't married. OP's only financial claim here is for the 50% of the property she co-owns with her Ex, and CMS for the nights they spend with her.

That's the reality of not being married - there is no recompense or "needs assessment" without that legal financial contract in place.

Why haven't you been contributing?

I think touching that pot to cover daily expenses or reducing payments into your pension are the last thing you should do.
Not if you want to protect your financial future.

Seriously you’ll do better with no hols and a more frugal lifestyle.
And if the dcs need something, they’ll have to ask their dad.

Please think carefully on how you’re going to plan for the future,

the two of you should be focused on what is best for the children. That isn’t a particular house. That is two parents who both have homes near the schools that can house all the children with reasonable comfort. How are the two of you going to leverage this shared asset to make that happen?

I've had a quick mortgage calculation online, I'm about £200k short of what I'd need to buy out or buy anything remotely useful for myself and children here.

The ideal situation was to live here, then sell, I could then move out of area, maybe nearer my family where it's cheaper though not a total bargain. With 80-100k that'd give me about a 30% deposit near my parents on a 2/3 bed new build.

I would honestly take what he’s offering and run. All you’d get in court is your 50%, so anything better than that take it before he realises he doesn’t even have to give you that and changes his mind.

As it stands, the children naturally want to live with me. We could both live in exactly the same area and probably 5 mins walk from each other. The only difference is that he'd own and I'd rent and come the future I'm going to have to leave the area which I love but I can't expect him to provide for that.

Given you are in the position of only needing to be in the area you currently are for 4 years (until dc2 is 18), I might look at buying near your parents and renting that house out, then taking your ex up on the offer of covering your deposit so you can rent near the kids current school. Once dc2 is out the other side of education, give your tenants notice and move near your family.

if your exp is planning on maintaining the family home, that takes the pressure off you to keep a base for uni kids in your current area.

another thought, you said you may well be able to get shared ownership of a property. You have options.

but it does sound like you sort of berried your head in the sand once exp left the family home and didn’t do your research and planning then. He’s clearly been mapping out options (including working out you can’t afford to take on the mortgage and buy him out). You are now playing catch up, you don’t have to decide anything this weekend but can’t assume you can stay put indefinitely.

I may be clutching at straws here, but I see there is the "tolata" process and the 1989 childrens act which might work in my favour. Anyone know anything about these? Either way, may need a large pot to pay for solicitor fees as it won't be legal aid?

Things such as mesher orders are incredibly rare and even if you get one, you will be expected to cover the mortgage etc.

But she isn't being offered 50%. He is offering her roughly 40%. (85% of her 50% share). 50% would be 100k he's offering 80k.

OP get some legal advice just to talk over your options.

There is nothing ambiguous about the property ownership; he is offering you half less expenses. That is probably more than a court would award. The children are not tiny vulnerable tots; one is nearly a legal adult and the other soon will be, and is old enough to decide which parent to live with. Also, you earn a good salary and are capable of supporting a household, even if it is smaller and in a less desirable area than you would prefer.

You are not going to be awarded that house under any scenario.

The pp who suggested you buy a property near your parents is offering the best advice. Then at least you would be building equity. Get a modest flat near your ex's house so that you don't burn through your lump sum of equity and be left with nothing. It won't kill your kids to sleep on a futon or inflatable mattress when they are visiting you. Many people make do with less.

He's also offering to pay what likely will be thousands in rental deposit, first month's rent and moving expenses for her, and by her own admission has been generous in covering major household expenses all along.

Here's a quote: "My salary is in excess of 50k. My household contribution since purchase was the food shopping and paying for the bulk of the children's clothes etc. However he did pay for some of the children's clothes, shoes as well as expensive purchases (bikes, laptops etc) and was the one paying for large purchases like furniture and holidays."

The man sounds very fair and generous. He is not wrong to want to keep the house, in fact she says she did not contribute to the deposit or the monthly mortgage payments. A case could be made that she is not even owed half the equity, as they are unmarried. She's been basically a lodger all these years.

OP, I know it is tough to contemplate but it sounds like you initiated the break-up. What, I am curious, did you expect would happen? Did you anticipate maintaining the same lifestyle?

Not read all the replies as got bored.
But sounds like you have had a great deal for sometime. And really should have saved a lot considering you have had a decent wage and from what you have posted mostly just brought food .
Sell to him or sell up . He has paid enough into the house already .
The kids are old enough to cope with moving.
Also if he owns the whole house why can't they keep living there part time ?

You’re not going to be able to use that to get any extra from him, you both are able to live independently, he’d be paying CMS if not 50/50, there’s no argument to hold the house in trust other than you want to and can’t afford to buy him out. Plus you’d need a pot of 20k+ to pay for the claim and legal side, only to be told no and then you’re worse off.

Honestly, he’s been way more than generous, more than he has to be and more than any court would ever make him be. Take it and run before he realises that.

IANAL but it looks like the TOLATA process would be more relevant to you if he was trying to claim you didn’t own a stake in the house. He doesn’t seem to be disputing the 50:50 ownership (and if you turn down him buying you out, I assume the house would go on the market and you would each get 50% after settling the mortgage and fees.)

Also the offer around supporting your initial rent costs would disappear if you go legal, I would think.

@brookgreenmum
If you don't believe in marriage (can be seen as outdated and patriarchal), you could have got a Civil Partnership to protect each other.
If you have a CP or marriage you avoid the stamp duty on transfer and the potential of inheritance tax between you.

So the kids are staying put, he's moving in and you are moving out? Am I reading that right?

That's pretty darn stable all things considered.

Surely your issue is finding somewhere you can move with space for the kids?

The children can stay with dad if they wished, but express staying with me, perhaps it's just how children are generally more attached to their mother, I'm not complaining.

He says he's already got an AIP for the mortgage transfer to his name, just needs a full blown application and then a solicitor to finalise the deeds into sole ownership.

As I've said, I anticipated having children would mean it'd almost impossible to remove me from the home whilst they were under 18. Perhaps that may be the case if married but it looks like I'll have little defence seeing as I've never paid the mortgage or even the TV licence and as we have separate accounts it can all be traced from his salary coming in and going out to all the various entities. I feel so powerless now, the best I can do is plan as best I can and hope for the best.

He’s not offering her 40%
he’s offering 50% less notional fees- which is what he us allowed to do and what a court would order.

there’s nothing onerous or to fight here. They own as joint tenants and op isn’t married so she can’t get a mesher and her ex is not agreeing to let them remain fir next 4 years and doesn’t have to.

tolata is very expensive, far more costly than a few notional fees you are arguing about, and isn’t going to bring you and upside, only downside

you need to start actually accepting that you’re split - and you earn a decent amount- and are owed 50% less fees.

if you don’t you run the risk of losing more and him stopping paying the mortgage

Staying in house till kids are 18 is rare even if you were married - and in most cases you’d only be able to do so if you can take on the mortgage and bills with him just deferring his share of capital.

it doesn’t matter who paid what here. The legal ownership is per your home ownership which if you are joint tenants is 50%. But he’s entitled to deduct some reasonable notional selling fees.

@brookgreenmum you need your own solicitor working in your interests