Leaving abusive husband. Advice please?

[AmpleOliveGarden]

Hi all I really need some advice. I’m gearing up to leave my abusive husband. We have one child together and I’m hoping be out by the end of the week but I am petrified.
I’ve been subject to emotional, psychological and financial abuse over the last 7 years.

I’m in the middle of a degree and just started a new placement which I’m finding hard and has brought it all to a head. I’ve been receiving support from women’s aid and I have the live fear free number for refuge but I don’t think it’s an option as it’s £300 a week as I’m employed. I know I can make myself homeless and go into temporary accommodation and I’m strongly considering this but I don’t know where to go. I’m isolated and several hundreds of miles away from family and don’t know whether to go into temporary accommodation up there or try stay down here and finish the course (18 months left). I do have friends here who have some idea of what’s going on but no one I can stay with. He plays on his mental health to get me to stay and says he feels su*cidal. Like the last few days he can tell I’m off because I’m planning to leave and he’s ramping it up again.
I don’t feel safe having a conversation with him about leaving before I go as when I found evidence of another woman being in our bedroom (clothing) he lost his mind and was inches away from my face shouting and turning it all on me. He did this before too when I caught him out trying to cheat on me with a workmate.
I’m just really scared and anxious and just wanted to know if it will get better and what to do? Family or degree? I don’t want to rip little one away from their dad but I’ve been so depressed with all of this I’m at breaking point.

Family = support hopefully.

Thank you. I did speak to my dad and he said he’d support me, help with little one etc. but it’s hard because they’re 5 hours away from where we live

How much is the train ticket to family. Will they look after you ?

Can you look into delaying your degree for a little while? Switching it to the open university? Just taking a few months out? Why not speak to student support and see what they suggest as options for you?

I'd look to going where you can get family support for now. You know this relationship will never ever improve and it's great you're taking steps now to finally see this through to its conclusion

You can intercalate your degree. Have you spoken to student services about the abuse? They have a duty to support you.

They may have student accommodation you can go into, financial support etc.

I can drive there just need a problem on the car fixing first. It’s booked in early next week.

I would be moving from one part of the UK to another so I don’t think I could carry my first year over necessarily however mine and little ones well-being is very important.

I have spoken to them briefly about it but not received any support from them. I did have a call with an old tutor at the end of the week too just waiting for everyone to reply to the email trails.
I am already with OU also.

thank you all

First don't discuss leaving with him as it's the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

Work out a safety plan with women's aid before you do anything. A grab bag with essentials in a safe place is an idea.

Regarding his mental health, it's often a manipulation tactic used by abusers. If he says he'll kill himself then contact emergency services and let them deal with him.

I would try to get temporary accommodation where you are and finish your degree. If you're working and you can't get temporary accommodation where you are, can you rent in a shared house until you finish your degree?

However if you feel safer moving near your family then can you put your degree on hiatus, explain to them what's going on and resume at a later date or online if they have that option.

i am planning on getting a bag ready to go tonight whilst he’s asleep, need to do some washing first. Yeah I think I recognise now it’s just a manipulation tactic he’s using however I won’t tell him what’s going on till I’m safe because I’m not risking him taking us with him.

thank you, I’m just unsure of how I’ll cope with the degree etc and staying up here but I spoke with a friend earlier and she said it would be a shame to let him ruin my life.

Just feels like a big dilemma being here still, I know I’ll probably end up in a B&B or hotel for a while with little one. But I just want us to be safe and happy. Little one had what I think was a panic attack yesterday morning over seeing their dad and it broke me.

When you say the car is booked in early next week, do you mean the week beginning 19th Aug ?

Personally I would not be packing a bag tonight - he could easily wake up and come looking for you / catch you.

but you could start a list - on your phone if you know 100% he would not find the list ?

passport/s, birth certificates, marriage certificate
bank statement and any other financial matters you can think of - is your home bought or rented, if bought get some mortgage info
copies of qualifications/education - may be needed in future if you enrol elsewhere ?
red book for the child's health
paperwork for your car i.e. the ownership papers / MOT ? and insurance details
any special / sentimental jewellery ?
any photos

does your husband work - I believe he does.
I would try taking the car in for whatever it needs, go home and pack, pick up car and leave

don't forget favourite toys

it is possible that once he knows what you have done, that things will be deliberately ruined / thrown out.

I am sure others will make helpful suggestions...

It’s this week yeah.

yeah that’s a fair point on packing a bag. I have started a list and thanks for your suggestions because my brain is so fried I couldn’t think of them all. Only problem is certificates and birth certificates, I gathered them a few months ago and put them somewhere safe but can’t find them now.

he does work but he’s off this week and I can’t take any longer. I get paid beginning of the week and I know he will be hounding me for my wages.

Thank you so much for your suggestions they’re great.

I wouldn't worry if you can't find certificates, you can order copies online.
https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Here's an idea of what to pack:

• Some form of identification. Passports, Visas and work permits.
• Money, savings books, cheque book, credit/debit cards.
• Keys for the house, car, work etc. (You could get additional keys cut and put them in your bag.)
• Child, Family Tax and any other benefit information.
• Driving licence and car registration documents.
• Prescribed medication/repeat prescription.
• Clothing and toiletries for you and the children.
• Address book and emergency contact numbers.
• Personal items (photos etc) or favourite toys for your children.
• Copies of any legal documents, eg injunctions.
• Marriage certificate, birth certificates

You could initially book a cheap hotel, perhaps a Premier Inn or something similar until you get something better sorted out.

Family, definitely. You can't take another 18 months of living like this 💐

Hey all. Thank you for the suggestions I have copied them over into a list on my phone so I have an idea of what to take.
I am hoping to speak to the homeless team on Monday and see what we can do from there.
thank you so much it’s a big help because my head is a shed and I can’t think straight xx

Good planning is crucial, speak to the homeless team and make them aware you are ready to go now (Monday). They will take you seriously! Documents with ID are what's needed most. Also think about utilities-if in your name need cancelling as soon as you leave. Phone charger, laptop / tablet / iPad etc. think about stuff your child would miss - make sure you have them. It is possible to start over, you just have to deal with one thing at a time. I'm 2 years on from walking out and things are so much better now. Sending love and strength your way xx

Thé University is very likely to have family accommodation (often used when one spouse is doing post graduate study). You never know, they may have space, even short term. I would speak to my tutor to see if they can help you to find out if that's an option.

However, in your position I would be looking at a transfer if possible and moving back to be near family- unless you have a really good network of friends where you are.

I cannot believe a shelter would be looking for £300 pw from women on low wages who are leaving financial abuse. How depressing.

Thank you both. I’m trying to find our IDs because I put them all somewhere but I can’t find them. I will keep looking as and when I can. I have emailed the homeless teams Friday because I couldn’t get them on the phone. I’m really worried about the mortgage as we’ve just come off our fixed rate but either way I still need to do this.
With accommodation for uni I’m not sure if that’s a thing with the OU.

Womens aid told me I’d need to work 14 hours or less and then told me about the refuge being £300. I’m not even sure I would get help for housing because I have the mortgage to deal with (both names on it) but only bring home just over a grand a month myself.

When leaving an abusive relationship you can usually get the housing element of UC for your rental provided you can evidence you are progressing sale or occupational of the mortgaged home.

Speak to your council housing officer about that.

Ah thank you I wasn’t sure how it worked.
thanks so much x

Do speak to your university. My husband works for one and I know for a fact they’d have a duty of care towards you and also, on a personal level, want to help. It might just be a case of talking to the right person or people. Good luck.

thank you I will speak to them and student support when they’re open tomorrow.

So an update things are getting worse - I think he knows I’m getting ready to leave. He tried to goad me into an argument this morning but I didn’t bite.
Im not long back from seeing friends with LO and he’s told me he’s not feeling well and thinks he may have double dosed his meds (high dose antidepressant). I told him to call 111 and checked his obs which are a bit off. He refused to call them so I’ve done it now and waiting for a call back. But he’s just being so stroppy and such an a**hole about everything and I have to do literally everything.
I just feel like he’s trying to manipulate me more and I feel sick.

I think I would have called his bluff, and dialled 999 as an overdose can be serious.

Called 111 and they’ve just called back and he’s refusing to go in they told him he needs cardiac monitoring but he won’t go. I said do you want our LO to see you deteriorate and become seriously unwell and all he had to say was LO will be in bed soon.
making me sick

Yes it's deliberate manipulation as he senses you are pulling away.

Yeah I thought so it just makes you feel like you’re losing your mind when in the middle of it all.