Leaving abusive husband. Advice please?

[AmpleOliveGarden]

Hi all I really need some advice. I’m gearing up to leave my abusive husband. We have one child together and I’m hoping be out by the end of the week but I am petrified.
I’ve been subject to emotional, psychological and financial abuse over the last 7 years.

I’m in the middle of a degree and just started a new placement which I’m finding hard and has brought it all to a head. I’ve been receiving support from women’s aid and I have the live fear free number for refuge but I don’t think it’s an option as it’s £300 a week as I’m employed. I know I can make myself homeless and go into temporary accommodation and I’m strongly considering this but I don’t know where to go. I’m isolated and several hundreds of miles away from family and don’t know whether to go into temporary accommodation up there or try stay down here and finish the course (18 months left). I do have friends here who have some idea of what’s going on but no one I can stay with. He plays on his mental health to get me to stay and says he feels su*cidal. Like the last few days he can tell I’m off because I’m planning to leave and he’s ramping it up again.
I don’t feel safe having a conversation with him about leaving before I go as when I found evidence of another woman being in our bedroom (clothing) he lost his mind and was inches away from my face shouting and turning it all on me. He did this before too when I caught him out trying to cheat on me with a workmate.
I’m just really scared and anxious and just wanted to know if it will get better and what to do? Family or degree? I don’t want to rip little one away from their dad but I’ve been so depressed with all of this I’m at breaking point.

but you are not due to be at home this week, you say you are scheduled to work.

so your h would be looking after your child ?

will he not think it odd/strange if you don't go to work ?

does h know the car is going to the garage, does he know when, does he know which garage it is,
do you have a spare set of keys ? if so make sure they are with you !

Yeah he will find it odd if I don’t go to work so I don’t know what to do about that but I can’t go if I’m not fit to practice. Debatable if I am or not.

yes h would be looking after child. I will make sure I keep the spare keys with me. He doesn’t know which garage it’s going to.

ok - how are you going to manage emails / phone calls / popping into places if you are at home, with him sat on the sofa ?

would it make sense / be possible to go to work and then be sent home sick ?
having made phone calls / emails / popping in places whilst out

or would it make sense if you pretended to go to work, do the things you need to do, then return home ' sick '

if you went to work, would you be able to take a bag with you and leave it there ? would he see if you left the house with a bag ?

does he know where you work - as you mentioned a placement I believe?

am I overthinking all this, if so I apologise.

Emails are fine as he doesn’t watch those like a hawk. Phone calls are trickier but my plan is garage tomorrow and make the phone calls there.
not the most private but better than doing it with him at home.

Pretending to go to work could be an option and would buy me some time to sort things further. Bag to work is a good idea, I usually take a bag with me so I could use that slowly to load my car/ask placement if I can store things there maybe.
sickness also an option if they decide I can’t work placement right now.

you’re not overthinking it they’re all really good points and I’m so grateful because my mind is beyond functioning so it’s good and it’s getting me thinking more.

Pretending to go to work, at least for a half day so you can make calls is a good plan. I'm assuming he wouldn't try to contact them, though. Sorting out things to take to the charity shop when you're near is a useful ruse for packing clothes and a few odds and ends. Summer is almost over and so many of your LO's summer clothes won't fit next year, after all and with working all the time I never get to wear this casual top and it's taking up space ... (just in case you find yourself needing an explanation, of course)

Yeah you’re right there. He wouldn’t try contact them he knows where I am working roughly but don’t think he’d get hold of them.
excellent idea on the sorting through clothes, LO needs new clothes as outgrowing their current ones so perfect plan there.
Thank you

how long have you been at this placement ?
is it a place you think you can trust ? i.e. I mean the people - do you have a manager there or even a mental health support worker for colleagues ?

exactly when is the car going in, and how long for i.e. is it a in and out in one day job ?

Only a few weeks. They are a lovely placement but complex as they know his family. Though I know they won’t say anything due to confidentiality just makes it feel a bit awkward. I have PEFs that arrange my placement and they are based in the same building so hoping to go in early Tuesday and try arrange some sort of meeting. No MH support worker, not even sure we have an IDVA. But going to look into what’s available tomorrow.

car going in tomorrow, hopefully just for the day. Needs diagnostics

as they know his family, i would er on the side of caution.

if the car was ready tomorrow at 5pm, how ready are you to leave...

okay noted thank you.

I am ready. Just the certificates I can’t find but they can be replaced. I have gotten on top of LO and my washing so I can just shove stuff in bags.

how long would it take you to shove stuff in bags

would you be able to get them out the house in the morning without him seeing - is it likely he will still be in bed ?

so, lets pretend you have the bags out the house and somewhere safe, even if they have to stay in the car,
lets pretend the car is ready by 5pm

how are you getting your child out the house ?

would you usually be collecting the car after work

if you don't go to work, or return early having been sent home ' sick ' - would you be able to take your child with you to collect the car ?
is that doable - or would he be suspicious you were taking the child out the house at 5pm
or
would you be better taking the child to the park at 3pm - so you get some fresh air to help you feel better having been sent home from work early, and then collect the car

thus is the car garage walkable from home ?
is it feasible that you take your child with you ?

the bottom line is, will he get violent if he thinks you are leaving him, and taking your child...

so lets pretend you, your bags and your child are all in your car safe at 5.30pm

where are you going ?

are you going to family - which are a few hours away so you won't be there until after it is dark and you will need to feed both of you at McDonalds or a motorway services

what is the chance of him realising you have left, and deciding himself to drive to your family ?

do you have money - would it be an option to book into a hotel i.e. travelodge / premier inn in a nearby town ?

That’s the tricky bit. It would be unusual to take LO out in the evening so best I do it in a morning. I do take him out for days out so it wouldn’t raise too much suspicion I hope.

I think I’m feeling heading towards family more but depends what the homeless team in family’s area say tomorrow. He knows the town my family live in but not the actual address as far as I am aware.

I have a small amount of money set to one side so hotel may be doable.

As for violence I fear he could become violent if he knows we’re leaving. Though he’s never physically harmed me he came close maybe a year ago.

Tuesday morning then sounds a reasonable decision ?

Think what you will say to h that you are taking Tuesday ' off sick ' but taking your child out to the park / for the day / whatever
make sure it is somewhere he will not accompany you to !!!

it goes without saying that you do not tell your child !

Is work likely to phone on Tuesday and ask where you are ?

I understand that you can turn up at any Local Authority in England, it does not need to be your own when it is a case of domestic abuse. You can ask that if you get to speak to yours tomorrow, or Womans Aid should be able to confirm this.

I second what someone else said, do not discuss leaving him, this is not an ordinary situation where one is breaking up with the other.
He does not need to know, nor does he deserve to be told.

I would go with the family support.

I hope everything goes well for you getting out of there.

Yes Tuesday morning probably is the most feasible. He doesn’t often accompany us out thankfully.

They may but I could give them the heads up or call in sick as you said.
I am just waiting for the offices to open so I can start calling round everywhere.

Thank you all so much. I think it might be easier to pick up the degree again once I’m settled too with being near family. If I continue as I am I’ll be away from family for another 3/4 years.

I hope you're Ok and have made some progress this morning calling round. I know it's hard but I promise you it will all work out for the best.

Thank you 💖
Waiting to see what the issue with the car is this morning and waiting for a call back from the homeless team near my dad.

Hi all just wanted to update. Got a plan sorted and spoken to lots of people and feeling a lot better about the situation.

thanks so much to everyone that’s taken the time to respond I am so grateful and it’s really helped me through this.

really pleased to read this, Please could you let us know when you are safe and gone.

Of course. Thank you again.

So happy for you OP, hope it goes well and the you and your lovely DC have the best life away from him.

Pleased to hear that @AmpleOliveGarden very pleased. It's not so scary after all.! It's all a bit of a blur now for me but just keep putting one foot in front of the other, things will work out just fine. 💐