Leaving abusive husband. Advice please?

[AmpleOliveGarden]

Hi all I really need some advice. I’m gearing up to leave my abusive husband. We have one child together and I’m hoping be out by the end of the week but I am petrified.
I’ve been subject to emotional, psychological and financial abuse over the last 7 years.

I’m in the middle of a degree and just started a new placement which I’m finding hard and has brought it all to a head. I’ve been receiving support from women’s aid and I have the live fear free number for refuge but I don’t think it’s an option as it’s £300 a week as I’m employed. I know I can make myself homeless and go into temporary accommodation and I’m strongly considering this but I don’t know where to go. I’m isolated and several hundreds of miles away from family and don’t know whether to go into temporary accommodation up there or try stay down here and finish the course (18 months left). I do have friends here who have some idea of what’s going on but no one I can stay with. He plays on his mental health to get me to stay and says he feels su*cidal. Like the last few days he can tell I’m off because I’m planning to leave and he’s ramping it up again.
I don’t feel safe having a conversation with him about leaving before I go as when I found evidence of another woman being in our bedroom (clothing) he lost his mind and was inches away from my face shouting and turning it all on me. He did this before too when I caught him out trying to cheat on me with a workmate.
I’m just really scared and anxious and just wanted to know if it will get better and what to do? Family or degree? I don’t want to rip little one away from their dad but I’ve been so depressed with all of this I’m at breaking point.

Hmm not uncommon to pill a stunt like this.. I've heard similar. They really will go to great lengths if they feel they are losing their grip. If he won't go so be it.. leave him downstairs and go upstairs for the evening out of his way - grey rock as much as you can. You've really got to ramp it up regarding getting out of this situation as he clearly senses something is off. Stay strong!

I would just grey rock.

"Ok, your choice"

Any suicide threats dial 999 in front of him.

Any overdoses "ok I'll call an ambulance"

Call his bluff every time.

Just shows he shouldn't have sole care of DC.

I thought that might be the case. I’m downstairs with little and he’s upstairs. Really hoping I can get out tomorrow but it’s tricky as he’s off work all week. I am grey rocking as much as I can. I was obviously concerned about the OD but I won’t argue with him about it where I would usually. Just keep checking his obs every now and then. Not going to force him because I don’t have the energy for it and he’s sucked enough life out of me as it is.

thanks for all your responses I really appreciate it, this has been so isolating.

Are you doing a nursing degree op?

Don't want to repeat the amazing advice above.

But wanted to tell you. This was me 8 years ago, I left at the beginning of my second year. It was honestly the hardest few years of my life, I left with nothing but my car and mine and my children's clothes. I used my maintenance load for a deposit on a rental properly

I'm 6 years qualified now. I got through it. Built myself and our house up from nothing! And in a very loving relationship with a very understanding and patient man given my abusive history.

If you need to take some time out do so. It took me 5 years to do my degree in the end. But it's worth it and when you graduate you'll feel a huge sense of achievement and will be so proud of yourself x

Sending hugs

Hey yeah I am. 2.5yrs in to the 4 year route.

amazing you could use the maintenance loan to find somewhere with your children I’m just in a bit of a pickle whether to give up the degree for now and where to go as you can see from my last few posts.
So so pleased you managed to qualify and are in a much better situation now. Gives me a bit of hope that I’ll be ok the other side.

Im in quite an emotionally challenging environment for placement at the moment so it’s just tipped me over with everything. I’ve been told I can have a break from uni till October with no debt incurred though. Just hard to think straight and make these big decisions when in the situation and been taught in a way not to think for myself.

thank you so much xxx

When you go you will feel the weight kuft off your shoulders in an instant.
Ask the university for advice/help if you want to stay where you are.
Personally going to family would feel better for me. Yours and little ones safety is your utmost priority and recovering will take time.
Nobody will expect you to make any decisions about uni.
I would feel safer with distance.
Over 10 years since I left and I sleep with the light on still when I'm on my own. Abusive scars last.
Be careful. ♥️

I can’t wait for that feeling but scared it will feel worse when he ramps things up. I think I’ll drop by the mental health team tomorrow and try speak to someone there too. I just wish uni and family were in the same place 💔 I have to stay here 2 years after I qualify too so really I’m signing up to another 4 years away from family and I don’t think I can do it.
Bless you I’m sorry lovely it’s so hard isn’t it xxx

Speak to your local council about what the best thing to do is once you're out. It's not seen as making yourself homeless if you're escaping abuse.

Could you move the five hours back to your family, live with them while you get back on your feet. Hopefully there's enough equity in your house to split once you get a divorce finalised. There's light at the end of this tunnel, so many women have done this before you. You're doing such a brave thing.

Yeah I’m gonna call or go to their office tomorrow as they didn’t reply to my email Friday.
I could just it means giving up the course for the time being but I think after I leave I’ll be more mentally wrecked than I am now.
I won’t be taking any money from the house as it’s not my money that went into it.

thank you so much

I won’t be taking any money from the house as it’s not my money that went into it.

You need legal advice as you are married and should be entitled to a share of the house, pension, savings and investments. You can call Rights of Women for free legal advice.

Call OU tomorrow Op. they will help to find a solution for you study wise.

Long story but one of his parents is terminally ill and they gave us the deposit money. So I want it to go back to them or however they want it. Because they’re wonderful people and deserve to keep it.

Thank you I’ll call student support tomorrow. Hoping people start to respond to the email trails going too.

You can let him keep the deposit if that's what you want to do but don't just walk away from what you're owed.

Thank you I didn’t even think about the money I’d put into paying it off the last few years, good point!

So deduct the amount of the deposit from the value of the house, then 50/50 - this is your marital home !

Tho I doubt very much he will return the value of the deposit to his parents, and if they are terminally ill he probably has an inheritance coming to him ?

Thank you. Not sure what it’s worth at the moment so will have to have it valued. Just the one parent terminally ill. Yeah I’m not sure he would either but as long as me and LO are ok I could care less about the money though I know it could be a struggle. The less I have to do with him the better.

ah well just think of it as compensation for ' emotional, psychological and financial abuse over the last 7 years. '

just make sure when it comes to it that there is more than one valuation.

Thank you 💖
I don’t know whether to tell them what he’s like or just do my thing. Have helped them out a fair bit with the unwell parent and feel awful for them.
also whilst I’m here does anyone think leaving this week is viable even though he’s off work? I’m just in the mindset now I need out like this week.

Can you call women's aid at work?

I know previous posters have mentioned documents and you've said you can't find them. I wonder if women's aid could help you discern what is really important to take with you so you can leave asap.

Do not involve his parents, they are HIS parents and will back him, and they are likely to either disbelieve you or turn a blind eye to his behaviour, they are HIS parents.

Are you at work this week ?
How will you get a bag etc. out the house into the car if he is at home this week ?

Is he likely to go out at all ? i.e. hobby/sport/visit his parents

is the car actually yours that needs the work doing and is booked into the garage ?

Hey all so I have floating support with women’s aid at the moment and I’m going to call my support worker tomorrow to clue her in.
I won’t involve his parents then I just feel guilty - don’t know why?!
im scheduled to work this week but unsure if I’ll be in, PEF/uni might advise me not to attend placement if I’m thinking about a break.
Not sure about any plans of his to go out as he doesn’t go out much but fingers crossed the opportunity presents itself.
the car is mine yeah.

and where will your child be this week ?
if you are in Scotland that might be at school, if in England will your child be at home / holiday club / or what
as you need to make sure you can get your child when you leave

LO is home with us this week until school reopens in September