Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Why do I feel like a total b#tch for taking his money

105 replies

Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 17:59

Separated for 3 years, I filed for divorce after 2 years to give us both time to cool down after the separation etc. There was no affairs and no abuse, but he had issues and things that he wouldn't try and get help with.
Anyway he ignored the divorce petition and wouldn't sign it because he realized he was going to have to give me a financial settlement. We have a 6 year old with moderate Autism who he sees regularly. He is a good dad.
My solicitor sent a follow up letter, that was ignored. He then got a solicitor who wrote back to say that he wanted to sort things out amicably. So my solicitor sent him a request for financial disclosure which he didn't give, I gave mine in. After a year of getting nowhere with him and his solicitor , my solicitor said I need to go down the court route and file for Ancillary Relief and now he is facing a court date where he will be ordered to show his financial information.
He has been trying to corner me and ask can we not sort this out ourselves as the legal costs will mount up. He is offering me a paltry amount and even at that, it is killing him to have to give me anything. He is telling me how much his mental health is suffering etc. I feel so awful, I still care about him and I certainly don't want to take him to the cleaners. I just want whatever I'm owed so that I might possibly be able to get my son and I a deposit for a home.
I will add that the marital home, is his and he bought it before I met him. I also worked full time up until I had my son and it was agreed I would be a SAHM and then I worked part time.
Am I being a total CF here? Am I out of order for going down this more aggressive route? I'm walking about with this awful guilt and now worried about him.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 14/08/2024 18:12

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable going formally purely because you’ve tried to do it amicably and he hasn’t engaged. Obviously it’s always cheaper to sort things between yourselves but you have tried that, he had the chance to do it that way, he chose not to.

It may be that the amount he’s offered is roughly what you’ll be due, most times a marital home bought by one person before the marriage isn’t classed as a marital asset so that won’t be divided, but without him filling out a financial disclosure you can’t be sure of that. You need that information to know if you’re getting a fair offer.

Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 18:17

@Mrsttcno1 thanks, my solicitor has told me the home is a marital asset , I was surprised as it was his to begin with and this is why I would be willing to take less than what I'm owed. But as you say I have no idea what that is without a financial disclosure from him.
He has buried his head in the sand for over a year now, he maybe thought I would forget about it all and he probably didn't think I would go down this route

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 18:28

I can see why he’s upset. What assets did you bring to the marriage?

unfortunateky for him it will go in the pot. What % of assets you are awarded will be the negotiation and depending on multiple factors but he needs to engage the process.

and you should consider that you need to return to work full time

sadabouti · 14/08/2024 18:39

He knows and is trying to avoid reality. You are entitled to your share of the marital assets. Frankly, it's not nice of him to try to avoid disclosure and starve you out with low ball offers. I'd leave it to the lawyers to force disclosure and go from there.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 14/08/2024 18:42

If he wanted to sort it out amicably he would have done so. What he wants is for you to play nice and not ask too many questions and accept what he wants to hand out to you.

He is not your friend here, he will try to minimise the settlement so you need to try and maximise it.

Especially as it was agreed to be a SAHM which meant you earning too a big dip and now you have additional caring responsibilities as your son has SEN..

Unmumsymofo · 14/08/2024 19:04

millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 18:28

I can see why he’s upset. What assets did you bring to the marriage?

unfortunateky for him it will go in the pot. What % of assets you are awarded will be the negotiation and depending on multiple factors but he needs to engage the process.

and you should consider that you need to return to work full time

What assets did she bring? What besides sacrificing her career and earning potential, NI stamps, pension payments etc to bring up his child.
this misogyny is why the husband is reeling. Because men, and some women do not value unpaid female labour until a solicitor lays it out for them.

a marriage is a contract that should be honoured, otherwise what is the point

Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:05

@millymollymoomoo I didn't bring any assets to the marriage, but I contributed to the household when I was working and I also enabled him to work full time by looking after our son so he hasn't needed to halt his career while I have had to find jobs that work around my son's school hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:11

@Unmumsymofo thank you, my ex doesn't see that I deserve anything, he's very old fashioned and has always been tight with money. He doesn't understand the whole unpaid female labour thing. He's very old school.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 19:12

her child is 6
they’ve been separated 3 years
she hasn’t sacrificed her career to support his for him to get to where he is, or been out of the workplace for decades her earnings can recover.

im not saying she should get nothing.

im saying I can understand why he is upset that he stands to lose a chunk of asset that op had no part in generating. Anyone would be upset at that

Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:13

@millymollymoomoo but he didn't have to pay for childcare, I was enabling him to go to work to pay a mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:14

Frankly, if the money is going to go towards a home for his son then I don't think he should be upset about it

OP posts:
GKD · 14/08/2024 19:14

How long were you together?
how long was the marriage?

Original poster
Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:16

@gkd we were together almost 9 years, married for 4 and a half years before separating

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 19:16

Yes i understand that. But that’s probably nowhere near what hes about to lose

youll bet your share.

But he has a right to be annoyed
that’s all im saying

pinkfleece · 14/08/2024 19:17

He is a good dad

Don't be a mug. He wants to leave his son short of money because he can't bear that it goes via you. That's not the marker of a good Dad.

rrrrrreatt · 14/08/2024 19:17

When you say he bought the house before you met - did he own it outright or was he paying a mortgage on it? If it’s the latter, did your household contributions include mortgage repayments, bills, maintenance of the property, etc or was it the odd bit of shopping here and there? Plus he’ll have saved £10,000s in nursery fees, wraparound care fees, etc.

You say he’s a good dad but I’d question that if he’s prepared to drag this out knowing full well this leaves his son insecurely housed and your potential to earn more and change this has been limited due to facilitating his career.

Tel12 · 14/08/2024 19:17

You have a child together, you need to do what's best for both of you. If you are entitled to a settlement then you need to take it

Spirallingdownwards · 14/08/2024 19:18

The reality is the need to file for ancillary relief is of his own doing in that he didn't engage with trying to sort it out without so doing. He can't opt out of providing a home for his child. As he hasn't made efforts to engage crack on with the court procedure.

millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 19:19

So if you had an asset of say 500k that he did not contribute to, you’d be happy to give him
half? I doubt it. And we see on here all
the time women who are the higher earners and brought more assets and the responses are always v different !

RipleyGreen · 14/08/2024 19:20

I’d be grumpy if I was him too. Whatever you think he saved in childcare by you not working is going to be dwarfed by what you potentially stand to gain. I suspect you don’t feel like a ‘b#tch’ at all.

AbbieLexie · 14/08/2024 19:25

Please learn from my mistakes - fight for everything you are entitled to and take it. You and your child will need it. Park any guilt in a car park and leave it.

Changingplace · 14/08/2024 19:26

He had his chance to engage with what was asked and not go down the court route, not your fault he refused to answer the requests earlier, he’s not a good dad at all as he’s basically trying to get away without providing for his child.

Obek1999 · 14/08/2024 19:26

millymollymoomoo · 14/08/2024 18:28

I can see why he’s upset. What assets did you bring to the marriage?

unfortunateky for him it will go in the pot. What % of assets you are awarded will be the negotiation and depending on multiple factors but he needs to engage the process.

and you should consider that you need to return to work full time

Would you think it was a shame for him if it was any other form of legally binding contract? And do you think he shouldn't have to provide housing for his own child? If he didn't want to be in this position, he could have chosen not to enter in to a legally binding contract nor had children.

Soonenough · 14/08/2024 19:28

Thems the breaks according to Boris. When people get married, then divorced , the assets are split .All the assets. When he says he would like to sort it out between you , you can count on it that he will be reluctant to be generous to you and your son . Stay with your solicitor as he will negotiate what is fair and what you deserve. His feelings are not your problem and using the law will eliminate any emotional issues

Winter2020 · 14/08/2024 19:29

Gettingdivorced84 · 14/08/2024 19:11

@Unmumsymofo thank you, my ex doesn't see that I deserve anything, he's very old fashioned and has always been tight with money. He doesn't understand the whole unpaid female labour thing. He's very old school.

It's a good job your ex won't get to decide then. If I was you I would just co-operate with the process, follow my solicitors advice and get what the court awards.

It sounds like you are the primary carer of a child with additional needs, and that this dynamic will continue. Being the primary carer will make it difficult to earn to the same potential that you could have otherwise. Take what you are awarded!