Why do I feel like a total b#tch for taking his money

[Gettingdivorced84]

Separated for 3 years, I filed for divorce after 2 years to give us both time to cool down after the separation etc. There was no affairs and no abuse, but he had issues and things that he wouldn't try and get help with.
Anyway he ignored the divorce petition and wouldn't sign it because he realized he was going to have to give me a financial settlement. We have a 6 year old with moderate Autism who he sees regularly. He is a good dad.
My solicitor sent a follow up letter, that was ignored. He then got a solicitor who wrote back to say that he wanted to sort things out amicably. So my solicitor sent him a request for financial disclosure which he didn't give, I gave mine in. After a year of getting nowhere with him and his solicitor , my solicitor said I need to go down the court route and file for Ancillary Relief and now he is facing a court date where he will be ordered to show his financial information.
He has been trying to corner me and ask can we not sort this out ourselves as the legal costs will mount up. He is offering me a paltry amount and even at that, it is killing him to have to give me anything. He is telling me how much his mental health is suffering etc. I feel so awful, I still care about him and I certainly don't want to take him to the cleaners. I just want whatever I'm owed so that I might possibly be able to get my son and I a deposit for a home.
I will add that the marital home, is his and he bought it before I met him. I also worked full time up until I had my son and it was agreed I would be a SAHM and then I worked part time.
Am I being a total CF here? Am I out of order for going down this more aggressive route? I'm walking about with this awful guilt and now worried about him.

If doing 50:50 it could have been sorted in a day. you literally just sit down with a spreadsheet and move assets between column 1 and 2, making sure the totals always match until you agree on the division. Splitting pensions costs money, selling the house can be difficult and costly, so splitting each asset in half is not always the best way to go.

he is the one dragging this out. He is the one making it difficult. If he actually wanted to sort this amicably, it would be done by now.

What the OP brought to the marriage was a uterus, full time childcare which involved her not earning outside the marriage then working part time.

They have a dc. It is their responsibility to adequately house that dc in 2 houses.

He's stalling because he knows marriage was a costly mistake for him, but that's not your problem, it's not unreasonable to go the proper channels and have the assets divvied up in line with the law. Whether it's 'unfair' or not is subjective. Are you both planning on doing 50/50 childcare?

i can’t believe you asked this. Do you think planned children deserve greater security?

So he wants to do it amicably, but refuses to correspond and supply information?!
The thing is, even if you do it without all the solicitors, if the financial part is unfair to you, it will get pushed back. Maybe suggest mediation, but no, you're not being unreasonable or greedy

Financial mediation is so much cheaper. There's no reason why you should get any less than 50/50. If you had brought more to the marriage (financially), it would have been exactly the same. Are you going to share the care of your child 50/50? If not, you may be entitled to maintenance. Get a recommended mediator if you choose this route.

@Chocoholicnightmare I don't think mediation would work with him, there is no way he would agree to 50/50 or even 60/40. With mediation he doesn't have to agree to the proposals, unlike court where the judge enforces it

And how much care has he done?

Raising a child with SEN can mean that even once children are at school the sahp or the primary carer has a very limited ability to work due to care needs. Between kids regularly being off school, therapy, needing to be picked up at short notice and unsuitability for use of wrap around care it can be very different and difficult and very incompatible with work.

I can't see why he's upset. Having a child together changes everything. He's denying his child here, not the ex-partner

I would not take HIS house

Morally i couldn't and wouldn't !!!

Don't feel guilty @Gettingdivorced84. Take the emotion out of it. Of course he needs to provide fairly for his DC.

And how much care has he done?

This is a really important question that has t been answered and could change things significantly.

You know mediation won’t work. He wants to give you very little or even nothing if he can get away with it.

He is not your friend! He is not the man you fell in love with and who worked with you as a team. He is looking out for his own interests.

You need to look out for yours and your son’s.

he will play every game he can (we used to be such friends/ why are you being so cruel/ this is affecting my mental health/ we can sort this out as adults/ it’s better for our son to be amicable) but look to his actions rather than his words.

@SunflowersMidwinter there are many threads on here where the female who earns more and has higher assets is absolutely pissed that they have to share assets or will lose more than 50% of assist that they feel they’ve built up. . Even when they state dad is great hands dad. The usual response is, he doest deserve anything, he’s a cicklodger ( sahd), it’s your money, he didn’t earn it, hide the assets, transfer money to somewhere he doesn’t know you don’t need to support him financially ,blah blah blah

i would be upset if i worked hard, bought a house, paid for it, on my own, then had to guve halve or more of equity away to someone who came to the relationship with nothing in terms of money. Fortunately fir me I was smarter than that so I wasn’t in that position.

How long did he have the house before you moved in, what equity was in it at that point and what is he offering you?

What are you asking for?

@zonder he has our son about 3 nights a week, he's a very good dad

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe thanks for this, this is exactly everything he is saying. He doesn't understand why I'm entitled to anything, he doesn't see anything I did during the marriage as being of any value. He has a history of being stingy. He said he has worked so hard to be where he is now and that it's very disheartening to have to give it away. I'm not asking for everything, just whatever I might be entitled to legally or I can take less than that. Even having to give me 10k would actually kill him.

@BetteLaSwet I don't know what I'm asking for as he hasn't given in a financial disclosure, I'm certainly not expecting half of the house or anything, but he has a child that he needs to provide for now that we have split

@Mickey79 I'm not sure about the equity and he had the house about 5 years before he met me. He has offered me 16k but my solicitor has advised against this

So you have more than 50 per cent custody. If it were 50/50 I think it would be questionable about how much he pays.

Absolutely this.
He's emotionally manipulating you to get his own way.
Park the guilt
Take the emotion out of this situation and focus on what is right for your son.
After 9 years 50/50 is the starting point
Your son needs a stable home.
Concentrate on that, be cool, calm and collected ready for the court.
He had a year to respond like an adult and he didn't so that is going to look bad for him.
"It will kill him to..." tiny 🎻
Stop focusing on his feelings, what he wants, what he thinks is fair -DETACH and focus on your son .

So he doesn't want custody or to pay a fair amount for his child? And you've offered to sort it amicably and he's don't nothing?
I think he can go play his tiny violin all the way to the court and deal with the consequences then.

Feel no guilt, this is a process designed for your child to get what financial security they deserve.

OP. Your lawyer should advise on the amount you are likely to receive from the Court and that's your settlement figure. It's the law that determines your entitlement not your ex's feelings on the issue. Just press on with the case to final hearing.

Yep. And for all that OP describes DS autism as mild, he's aged 6 and already diagnosed. He also can't cope with childcare. This is going to be significantly limiting.