Why do I feel like a total b#tch for taking his money

[Gettingdivorced84]

Separated for 3 years, I filed for divorce after 2 years to give us both time to cool down after the separation etc. There was no affairs and no abuse, but he had issues and things that he wouldn't try and get help with.
Anyway he ignored the divorce petition and wouldn't sign it because he realized he was going to have to give me a financial settlement. We have a 6 year old with moderate Autism who he sees regularly. He is a good dad.
My solicitor sent a follow up letter, that was ignored. He then got a solicitor who wrote back to say that he wanted to sort things out amicably. So my solicitor sent him a request for financial disclosure which he didn't give, I gave mine in. After a year of getting nowhere with him and his solicitor , my solicitor said I need to go down the court route and file for Ancillary Relief and now he is facing a court date where he will be ordered to show his financial information.
He has been trying to corner me and ask can we not sort this out ourselves as the legal costs will mount up. He is offering me a paltry amount and even at that, it is killing him to have to give me anything. He is telling me how much his mental health is suffering etc. I feel so awful, I still care about him and I certainly don't want to take him to the cleaners. I just want whatever I'm owed so that I might possibly be able to get my son and I a deposit for a home.
I will add that the marital home, is his and he bought it before I met him. I also worked full time up until I had my son and it was agreed I would be a SAHM and then I worked part time.
Am I being a total CF here? Am I out of order for going down this more aggressive route? I'm walking about with this awful guilt and now worried about him.

Did he want children ?? Did you activity TTC ?? Just I know a few people that have gone through what you are going though & the "but she was a SAHP and helping his career whilst sacrificing hers" is a bit much when in a lot of cases men are 'trapped" by contraception failure and feel like it's the right thing to just go along with it.

I can't see that you are doing anything wrong, OP. He had the choice not to get married and not to father a child but chose to do both those things. Any sharing of his assets, e.g. to fund a home for his child, is now a direct consequence of those choices.

His poor mental health is the result of his extended refusal to accept responsibility for those choices - and not of you being "mean" to him.

It's incumbent upon everyone to really understand what it means to get married and the financial risk it involves if it goes wrong. Stop being such a misogynistic prick.

Do you think he shouldn't have to provide a home for his own child?

@Biggaybear no we actively ttc to have our son. We were actually on the waiting list for IVF but conceived naturally.

It’s not just the base childcare costs. How many times has he ever had to refuse the 6pm meeting, or drinks following works with the senior leadership. How many times has he had to say to his own boss ‘sorry got to dash my child has a fever and can’t stay at childcare’. I would wager never. She has enabled him rising in his career.
Meanwhile she has abandoned hers. it’s not as easy as just ‘go back to work’ after 3/5/9 years. By that point you are deskilled and disadvantaged versus other applicants. You often have to take lower position than your previous role, and re-do your time on the ranks.
it is misogynistic. The courts will decide what percentage she is entitled to. If that’s what they have said, then no I don’t think he has any right at all to begrudge it.

But when women then post on here that their partner wont marry them because he's afraid he'll lose half his assets they are told to ditch him & run.

Men. Can't win can they 🤷‍♂️

A lot? Where's your evidence for this statement? Men have a choice to abstain, wear condoms or have a vasectomy if they don't want children.

I wonder whether there's a whole lot of money you had no idea existed and that's what he's trying to hide.
There's obv a reason why he's trying to make you feel sorry for him.

Please don't!! Consider your Son.. Does he feel sorry for him?! Is he wanting the best for him? Go get what you're owed!

If you still feel this way later on, put it into savings for your son when he's older. Just make sure you look after number 1 here coz you're ex obviously is trying look out for himself.

If you're a woman, you terrify me.

I'm also willing to take less than what I could be entitled to as I acknowledge it was his house before he met me. He didn't buy it outright, he's still paying a mortgage on it.

It is unlikely she would get half but he would be expected to house his child so it is possible he would be ordered to pay something.

Why did you give up your career to become a SAHP?
Once you were married why were you not added to the mortgage/deeds? Have you added your name as having an interest in the property?
Is you ex mortgage free? How long before the marriage dis he acquire the family home?

Please don’t. Emotional blackmail is being used here. Your child is your priority.

@Sayingitstraight childcare would be so expensive, that we decided I would stay at home and care for him, I wasn't on brilliant wages anyway so it made sense. I have never had my name on the deeds and he has never asked or offered.

I'm gender non-specific.

She didn't ask your gender identity, she asked your sex.

I can imagine you are.

So no sacrifice of a big career that would have you otherwise be eating high figures

just that seems the narrative of some other posters and it’s often not the case. Also they have been separated since the child was 3, so plenty of time to get back on career track, sharing childcare costs and custody.

I don’t think any parent thinks ‘yippee, I get to go to work and pay the mortgage’ as some great bonus btw.

What are you asking for, in the settlement? And how are you managing to live now (unless you’re both still in the marital home?)

I’ll have a clearer view to answer your initial question if I knew those things OP.

@Searchingforthelight My child has moderate Autism and I can't just leave him with a regular childminder after school as he is fussy where he goes. Maybe if he wasn't like this I could have gone back to work full time

Again with the misogyny. Earning less than your husband doesn’t make you less.

I guess the hand that was dealt was a sen child which may make returning to any job difficult for a STHP.

good job that hand was dealt to BOTH parents then.

Bet he isn’t offering 50/50 custody.

How much maintenance has he paid for his child since you separated ?

Yup I’m wondering why not 50:50 custody
Maybe child’s father would equally care for child?

@Getonwitit he does pay maintenance, it's the standard amount for his wages