Why do I feel like a total b#tch for taking his money

[Gettingdivorced84]

Separated for 3 years, I filed for divorce after 2 years to give us both time to cool down after the separation etc. There was no affairs and no abuse, but he had issues and things that he wouldn't try and get help with.
Anyway he ignored the divorce petition and wouldn't sign it because he realized he was going to have to give me a financial settlement. We have a 6 year old with moderate Autism who he sees regularly. He is a good dad.
My solicitor sent a follow up letter, that was ignored. He then got a solicitor who wrote back to say that he wanted to sort things out amicably. So my solicitor sent him a request for financial disclosure which he didn't give, I gave mine in. After a year of getting nowhere with him and his solicitor , my solicitor said I need to go down the court route and file for Ancillary Relief and now he is facing a court date where he will be ordered to show his financial information.
He has been trying to corner me and ask can we not sort this out ourselves as the legal costs will mount up. He is offering me a paltry amount and even at that, it is killing him to have to give me anything. He is telling me how much his mental health is suffering etc. I feel so awful, I still care about him and I certainly don't want to take him to the cleaners. I just want whatever I'm owed so that I might possibly be able to get my son and I a deposit for a home.
I will add that the marital home, is his and he bought it before I met him. I also worked full time up until I had my son and it was agreed I would be a SAHM and then I worked part time.
Am I being a total CF here? Am I out of order for going down this more aggressive route? I'm walking about with this awful guilt and now worried about him.

He had the opportunity to do it amicably and didn't take it. In so doing, he has shown he's not willing to engage in the process. This is on him. He's brought it on himself and can't or won't accept that and take responsibility. Listen to your solicitor, they will do what is best for you and your child. Your ex won't.

I'm not trying to ruin this man's life , I care about him deeply as my ex partner and my son's dad.
But he has not responded to any of my attempts for over a year to get any of this sorted.

It’s not misogyny.

I’d suggesting not to dress it up as a bonus that a parent goes to work and pays the mortgage

there are posters going on about SAHP sacrificing their careers, but there’s simply no need for that if both parents share custody and each provides as well as cares. Nor is that the case when the couple separated when child was age 3.

I’m not a misogynist prick thank you

however, op has essentially said she didn’t have a career, wasn’t earning much and brought nothing to marriage in terms of assets.
she hasn’t enabled his career or sacrificed her career and actually has not been out of work place for long. Op can have a career.

it is perfectly possible for women to work full time, have high earning careers and have children.

nowhere have I said op isn’t due anything. They’ve been together 9 years, have a child, and. The courts will provide for that responsibility.

but at the sane time it’s perfectly understandable her ex is pissed that what he worked for ahead of marriage he”ll now lose.

don’t know why people think that’s odd.

Oh and he should engage in the divorce process to get it resolved.

@millymollymoomoo I take your point , which is why I don't want to take everything I'm owed.

He had his chance to be amicable. Listen to your solicitor and get a fair settlement.

I would recommend you try to settle outside of court as its very expensive and stressful but it depends on the value of assets...200k or 1 million.

What assets do you have? Pension, savings? What are his earnings? High or medium earner? All of this determines what a judge thinks is a fair settlement. I think if your son is at school you will need for maximise your earnings.

It's clear you're not trying to ruin his life. But who is doing the childcare moving forward? Who is your child living with?

He needs to pay for his child and make sure they have a place to live.

@millymollymoomoo I agree that he might be pissed at having to give me a chunk of the house if that's what it comes to but I still think I enabled his career or both of our wages would have been spent on childcare. You also aren't taking into consideration my son's special needs, I have had to sometimes be on call if school phones or if he is upset or has had a toilet accident. I'm the one that goes to get him and minds him during holidays and if he's sick and off school. Because of his Autism he can't just go to any childminder, so even childcare for him is difficult

For 6 years he’s not had to worry about fitting work around the nursery/school drop off, take time off to look after a sick child or take them to appointments, and will have been able to attend most, if not all, work events like training/conferences/social drinks. Even when OP has gone back to work, she’s returned PT so it fits around drop off and pick up so he’s clearly not doing 50% of those even now or she’d have a few days a week she could work longer hours. Do you genuinely think that won’t have in any way enabled his career?

Plenty of men can't be arsed with the hard graft of actually raising a child and much prefer to go to work.
If you're so affronted by the law, campaign to change it, rather than directing your misogyny towards women acting within the boundaries of it.

Well I managed it

but of course I recognise op child has some sen issues, and that will be given consideration.

as stated, I never said op is due nothing.

I just don’t buy into the general notion on here that women can’t work and men can only do so with a self sacrificing woman . that is nonsense

my point was more that it sounds like op gave up work but not a career.

in any case, op will get what she’s entitled to in the eyes of the law. That may be more or less than half. We don’t know, but I can still sympathise with her ex to a large degree. That doesnt t make me a woman hater.

@Obek1999 i guess you’re one of the women who don’t work and expect a guy to keep you. . Good for you.

oh and simply disagreeing with you doesn’t make everyone misogynistic. That must be your word of the day

But that's what marriage is and having a child together means. It's not about hearts and flowers and romance and lust. It's a legal and financial contract. That's how the law works. It joins assets together, particularly when children are involved. If they were child free, they would most likely walk away in a similar financial position than when they entered the marriage, more or less. Children change everything. The child should be housed similarly at both homes. Not one in the lap of luxury with holidays and fancy toys and the other in a bedsit eating cold beans. That's what the law is trying to address fairly. If you don't like it, don't get married and have kids. It really is that simple.

I'm a cleaner.

@rrrrrreatt i did nursery drop offs, pick ups, picked up children when sick, attended all sports days, plays, assemblies etc. still had a career. Of course I realise it’s not for everyone and some industries are harder than others/less able to be flexible. But it’s possibly to have a career and manage children.

again, not once did I say op not entitled to anything! But her ex does have a right to want to retain as much of the assets, just as much as op would want to also ensure she gets her share. Its fair for him to be pissed about it!

Op- regardless of what anyone on here thinks, there is a divorce process, and there are principles to apply to determine a fair settlement, ( in the eyes of the law)

they will be applied whether he likes it or not. He has a right to be possed. You have a right to your share. He’ll need to engage at some point or if he doesn’t the court will.

follow the process and educate yourself on what the principles are ( lots of online resources) and understand your compromises and negotiation points. Don’t make it into a win/lose battle.

Just to add as well that I am retraining for a new career and also working part time to fit around my son's school

You got mutual benefit from him working and you staying at home. Neither of you sacrificed anything, a career or being a SAHP. This is what you agreed. What you didn’t address was what this would mean if you split. Which for him is giving up equity and for you will be a suppressed income supplemented by benefits.

To anyone who thinks op should return to work full time, this can be very difficult with an sen child.

I guess my kids would be classed as moderately autistic. I have yet to find any wrap around school care or even part time holiday clubs that are suitable. Equally, they couldn’t manage a day in breakfast club, school & then after school club. It’d be far too much for them.

This is before we start talking about all the appointments, with school, with the doctors, with the autism team, child development unit, the continence team….. it goes on. It got more for my kids when they were older, not less. Their needs grew as they struggled more.

Most of my friends in the same position have one parent at home full time while the other works because that’s the only way they can manage.

There’s 2 of us & we’re clinging to our careers by the very tips of our fingers & that’s with some family help.

No comments on the settlement, as I wouldn’t have a clue, but OP, you’ve given him plenty of time to sort it previously.

You feel like a B#tch over "his" money as he likely you trained you over the last 11 years that you don't deserve anything/never contributed enough.

This is on him not you, I presume he never treated you as a true equal.

Do you have a figure in mind that you think is reasonable? Say to him that you fully agree that getting the courts involved will benefit the lawyers more than anything, so you qould love to come to a fair amicable agreement. One that takes into account your son's needs and that you provide additional care. Also keep in mind that lots of autistic kids don't cope well in school, which may affect your ability to work more hours in future, so he is welcome to do 50:50 so you can work more.

Then when he huffs off about it, go to court and get a fair settlement.

All you need to say to him is ' let's allow it to be sorted out officially and that way, we will know legally what's fair'

And then stop any discussions with him about it

If he was concerned that he may lose some of his ‘asset’ he could have not got married.